I need help vs No, I'm fine!

Deep down I know I need to address this stuff. But when an appt is cancelled, I am so dadgum relieved.

I feel so torn between the concept that yes, I need help to get rid of all this mess in my head, and.....
Good heavens this mess has built up for almost 50 years. With every dr I see, I realize MORE of my life that was totally abnormal and have messed me up in MORE ways. How is it even possible that I could clean it up in what's remaining of my lifetime? Maybe I should just accept that this is who I am, and make the best of it, instead of trying to scrape up all these crappy old memories, and torture myself!!!
Anyone else feel like that?

I've been through a lot of painful times. What I have found out is that the body stores that stress in our tissues, and it impacts each system. Today, I had an appointment with a somatic practitioner who does bodywork, and I was surprised by what she told me. The upper back has nerves that connects to the digestive system, which can led to issues when chronic stress happens. And with every passing day/trauma/stress/anxiety that our mind, body, and spirit goes through each area is affected. It's not just the brain.

For me, I have digestive system issues, and spine pain, I also was diagnosed with major depression, PTSD, anxiety and psychosis. Each part of me reacted to the stress but it is all connected. After I had the bodywork done, I have felt better, both physically and mentally. It's amazing how much was released from working with my stomach.

I know not everyone will believe in bodywork. And that's okay. Just remember that we are not just our brains. We are a human being, that includes. The whole body, every cell, impulse, and memory, and behavior.

To me, this makes sense. But I know that not everyone can afford the bodywork, but I know it works for me.

I've never even heard of bodywork but it makes sense. I mean - your digestive system is it's own nervous system. Our bodies are controlled by glands and organs, much more than by the brain. It's like the brain is the CEO & Board of Directors, and our other systems are upper management, lower management, and day-to-day employees. If there's an earthquake(stress event), an employee might panic and throw their lunch into a storage bin and run (stuffing away feelings)- and everyone gets to smell it a few weeks later, but no one knows why it's there or even exactly where it is. Just that it stinks. And the smell gets into everything.... (Effects of stuffing the panic reach all parts of the body)
Kind of a weird analogy, but it makes sense to me, lol.

I agree with Puzzclar, I believe stress and traumas do impact our overall health and multiple systems in our body.
I’m not sure what “bodywork” is referring to. I’m not able to comment on that. I do know from region to region and state to state we all have different names for certain things.
I believe working through traumas is messy, emotional but the beauty after healing is worth it. It’s worth it not to pass traumas to future generations. Future generations that will view traumas as a culture, traditions or normal.

I do feel like the only reason to work through my stuff is to be a better Mom - I already am super careful, and even have my kid in counseling just to make sure I don't rub off my issues. I just can't imagine that beauty after healing thing. My idea of Heaven is a mind-wipe so I don't even know my own name, much less anything else that's ever happened to me.

I think it's a personal choice. How badly do you really want to feel better? Do you just want to be a better mom? Maybe just focus on that. I think you might be overwhelmed with the knowledge of all of your problems. Sometimes this causes me to freeze.
Maybe just take one little piece of your issues and work on that until you get some clarity or breakthrough. Then stop and allow yourself to really feel good about your progress no matter how small. This will give you the energy to tackle another piece when you are ready.

That's good advice, thank you. It is all soooooo overwhelming. I don't even know where to start, lol. My therapist is going to try me with EMDR once she has an opening, but.... what it seems like is the VA (I'm a veteran) is all about treating the appearance of the symptoms. Learn how to act like other people, basically. Not - learn why you feel the way you feel, and what's causing your different issues, and then pick out a thread and start untangling.... Nope. They're more like, 'if you wash the thread multiple times, it'll become a firm mass, which you can wrap around your foot, and call a sock.'

People have different opinions on EMDR. It works great for me. My first thoughts were like yours. It sounds like some kind of mind control numbing process. The work is actually all you. You process your own feelings however you need to. The therapist just basically interrupts you every few minutes and you tell them what you are thinking, then tells you to continue. Watch some youtube or research it. Be careful, it is very intense! You MUST have a good therapist who can help keep you grounded. They should be teaching you some calming techniques before you get started. It will bring up whatever ugly memories you may have. You will feel like you are experiencing them in real life. But if you can stick with it, you get some really quick relief that is permanent, in my opinion. Good luck!

Well, hopefully it works for me as well. Haven't met a therapist yet who spent time on any calming techniques. One did tell me that if I start having a panic attack, I can put a bag of frozen peas over my eyes and lean over -and that actually did help, lol!
Hopefully my brain's capable of processing things when it comes to the point. When I tried the prolonged exposure therapy, I just had the same reaction every time. No matter how many times we went over the memory. Therapist got annoyed with me, and transferred me to someone else, haha!

Interesting, I think EMDR might be similar to prolonged exposure since in both you are recalling the traumatic event. EMDR may not be for you, but try it once at least. Maybe your bigger concern is with the calming techniques. There a tons of them out there.

I get the bag of peas, but it's not very practical if you have a panic attack while driving to the bank, etc.

Find something that works for you. I use binaural beats and controlled breathing. You can look this stuff up on youtube or reaearch calming techniques.

Will do, thank you. When I was having a lot of panic attacks (before I was able to move, when my stalker had my address) I used a lot of box breathing. Now I'm all numbed down, and no one knows where I am, so I don't panic hardly at all anymore.

Hey there, I just wanted to mention that in my experience not every VA is equal, there are some real bad ones out there. It took me several attempts at finding a good therapist and psychiatrist I could trust a bit, in several moves and a lot of time. Also I was told by one of my therapists that we have the equivalent of a cat's brain worth of nerves in our body, below our brain. I think that is why stuff like EMDR works, like others here have said it's almost stored in the body, the body's memory.

EMDR did help me, but I had established some trust and still felt very vulnerable. The sessions were challenging for me, IDK if they are challenging for everyone. I have a lot more memories of my youth and my experiences overseas. I'm less reactive, and am less hyper-vigilant. I still have nightmares on occasion and still have insomnia at times. However I think along with a combination of correct medication, another process in itself, CBT and EMDR I have a lot of my symptoms lessened and function better. I came to these forums hoping to find some news that it gets even better, that I would be my old self, but it seems that a lot of ptsd cases are chronic. That is ok, just hard to swallow. Anyway, I really hope EMDR works for you too, though it's not the holy grail in my opinion. I also hope you find a good VA/therapist. Take care.

Thank you very much! I don't think there's such a thing as the holy grail for this mess, since each person is different. I asked a lady at the VA who was doing a PTSD group session whether it was possible to take longer than the 8 sessions or whatever per therapy type, since every concept in CPT, CBD, and so on are new to me, and I feel like I'd benefit from taking more time to really explore them and understand them. I've got a lifetime of dysfunction, and really had never even considered the concept that, for example, some people do not think that the world is a dangerous place. That blew my mind. She told me that studies show that people benefit most from 8 weeks and you can't argue with science, and that's what there is. And I'm welcome to do the 8 weeks, take time to practice on my own, and then come back for another 8 weeks, etc but I'm not going to be able to really focus just on one of the skills at a time with a therapist at the VA. But that's better than the other therapist that told me I'm taking up space another veteran needs and I need to just stop using up therapy slots and use the skills I have. I've gotten all kinds of materials to do at home, I'm just so disconnected from the world due to fear that I feel like I'd really benefit from being able to talk to someone non-threatening once a week about the skills, ask questions, and sort of make sure I'm not going astray. I don't know enough to even know what I don't know, if that makes sense.

Hi I know I'm a bit late to the party (just recently joined), but I wanted to let you know I am grateful for this thread because I have felt similarly for a long time. In my personal experience I recognise that something could be there (a traumatic event), but I find it hard to accept that I'll truly never know for sure whether the event happened (and to what extent) or whether it's an exaggeration or fallacy of my anxious imagination. Therefore, I considered therapies such as EMDR and hypnosis as possible methods of trying to remember with more clarity exactly what happened. But this event to me is like Pandora's box... sometimes I feel tempted to open it in the hopes that I'll reach a resolution and stop coming back to it thinking 'what if', while at other times I realise that opening that box will be extremely distressing - and once opened, there's no going back.

It's not something to be considered lightly, so I think the fact that you're showing considerate thought about it means that you take it seriously enough. Whether you decide to seek help or not is entirely up to you, and I think you will know when or if the time is right. It is within your right to explore help and stop seeking it at any time, should you wish to do so. This is very sensitive and something to be taken on your terms, so patience from both yourself and the therapist is required.

I did engage in talking therapy (counselling) for over a year, and I did disclose my possible PTSD, but my counsellor was respectful and didn't push me beyond my boundaries so we didn't make any progress on it because I either actively avoided it when questioned about it or chose to focus on other aspects of my life. I guess I wasn't ready and I didn't trust my counsellor enough. However, I did learn some grounding techniques from my counsellor when focussing on my generalised anxiety, which can come in handy when experiencing any form of anxiety. I made the decision to stop therapy recently due to financial anxiety and impatience with progress, but it would be wise to remember that progress is as fast or slow as you let it be.

Best of luck with whatever you decide to do!

Agree & thanks. I read that a good therapist will start with 'what are your goals?' and then kind of keep things moving in that direction.
I'm currently on a waiting list, and the longer time goes on, the better my brain gets at telling me everything's fine, none of it was that bad, etc. So hopefully I'll be able to re-summon the feelings etc by the time I'm able to see someone.
Best of luck to you

What you are experiencing is exactly how myself and many others have described repressed memories. Others may try and tell you that you are fabricating them, but I have been working on mine with EMDR with great success.

Take your time and explore as little or as much as you need. The more concrete your past story becomes, though, the more relief you will feel. I went from only knowing squirmy feelings to now having partial imagary of my past and as horrible as it was, I feel much better knowing that I have concrete events in my life that made me who I am.

I am NOT trying to be argumentative, I swear - but... I have both awful squirmy feelings around hazy years, and actual clear memories that are horrible. And the stuff I remember clearly --- it doesn't help me feel better to know about it. Is it the EMDR that makes the difference? Or is it the knowing what actually happened in the 'ew, something happened there, but I don't want to really look at it' time? Because if it's the actually knowing what happened that's supposed to make you feel better, I'm defective, haha.

And - maybe I'm not even right about applying this to me, lol. I have one individual squirmy 'something happened' memory, but the rest of it is literally a space of months (a summer vacation) and years (ages 9-12) that are frosted like bathroom glass.