[clydeblack]

Found out I likely have CPTSD and not bipolar which explains so much.

Doesn't it feel like endless suffering?

I am afraid of depending too much on other people, one person in particular, while also being so afraid of them going away. It's pain all the time.

I try to do my work - which is my passion. Had to quit day job. I have a bag packed in case of hospitalization. I'm afraid of hurting myself everyday but I can't have that person there for me every second or ask them to do that.

[clydeblack]

Also I immediately switch from thinking people are good to terrible and out to hurt me. It's exhausting, especially if that is not their intention.

[leomama]

Are you making all your choices in line with your doctor?

[clydeblack]

Yes, I am

[modestlychee6463]

I agree with you. It seems like the suffering never ends when I think of the times I was made fun of for my interests and for my speech and mannerisms and times I was called selfish and once being made to apologize. Those memories have burned into my brain, and there's hardly any escape at all. I feel like it'll stick with me as long as I'm alive. It NEVER really ends EVER. It seems like I'll never heal. I don't know why I feel that way. My gloominess about all this is beginning to set in now that I'm over forty. When you realize that you can't make it all better and it doesn't get better.

[modestlychee6463]

Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to be my child self and not have to relive those memories over and over and over again on repeat.