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jai-jai The pain is always there, its how you live with it determines how you move forward.
 
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Trig Oct 17, 2021 at 03:29 AM
  #1
I've been having a pretty rough week. Flashbacks have been violent. I relapsed with self-harm, I kind of blacked out. No memory of it, like I had disassociated. Struggling with coming to terms with it tbh. Lots of feelings keep coming up and I'm just feeling overwhelmed. I've also been dealing with a fear of sleeping, I wake up feeling like I'm being strangled, I see things that aren't there and I have to sleep with the light on... otherwise I just can't sleep. Awake for hours

I had a really hard time at a massage appointment this week, I really needed it the appointment, I like the guy I work with, however its getting really tough, I'm always tense. I've been trying things to relax and going through my usual coping techniques. Its so HARD in the appointment. I feel so intensely, I keep trying, but maybe I should take a break from the massage appointments for a while? I feel stuck.

The pain still feels very real, and I've been doing Life Span Integration with my T, we just built the timeline, hoping that I can get through this ok. I'm really worried about being triggered through the process. I was triggered this week with some friends. Unintentionally and I totally freaked out at them. The I felt guilty for acting out like that. I really honestly don't know how I can cope with it.

I feel very alone in my marriage with all of this, and I'm at a loss as to how to talk to him about it. I am starting feel a real sense of hopelessness in my relationship and I don't know where to turn. The depression is draining me and I feel devoid of all energy to have the conversations.

I am proud of myself for saying out loud to my T that I was sexually assaulted, it was really hard, but I'm glad she knows.

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Default Oct 17, 2021 at 04:11 AM
  #2
I am sorry for how you are feeling and your struggles.

it's the subject of your message that struck a cord with me, "defeated and afraid"

well: I feel like that. for me, it's because no one cares what I want and I feel that I am constantly living for others. their's no well, she can decide this, she can do what is right for her, because that's wrong. that's bad. that's unhealthy. she can't make decisions who does she think she is.

and that leads to the fear of speaking up and the fear of actually living.

I often find that if I hide how I feel, people press me for more information.

if I tell them, it's wrong. it's bad. it's unhealthy

so where's the middle ground?
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jai-jai
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jai-jai The pain is always there, its how you live with it determines how you move forward.
 
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Default Oct 18, 2021 at 01:45 AM
  #3
Quote:
Originally Posted by raging vortex View Post
I am sorry for how you are feeling and your struggles.

it's the subject of your message that struck a cord with me, "defeated and afraid"

well: I feel like that. for me, it's because no one cares what I want and I feel that I am constantly living for others. their's no well, she can decide this, she can do what is right for her, because that's wrong. that's bad. that's unhealthy. she can't make decisions who does she think she is.

and that leads to the fear of speaking up and the fear of actually living.

I often find that if I hide how I feel, people press me for more information.

if I tell them, it's wrong. it's bad. it's unhealthy

so where's the middle ground?
Thank you for commenting, Its such an isolating feeling. I feel like when I do stuff for others, I can hide my feelings. But I also agree, the more i try to hide, the more other press, but I never want to share, I feel like its not their place to judge me for what I've been through.

The middle ground is something that escapes me. I feel the fear, of living, but I feel the fear of things/life falling apart, then I fear myself. Thus the defeat comes in... the cycle is hard to break.

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