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Old 11-03-2021, 03:21 AM   #1
jai-jai
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Confused disconnect

I've been really on edge the last couple days. I feel afraid of my husband (he has never given me a reason to be afraid)

But I can sense this is more than that, I feel hyper vigilant when people are in my bubble, I feel like my body is on high alert always.
I am exhausted and I feel like I'm spiraling.

I don't know how to help my husband understand its not him or his fault.

Does anyone have any thoughts?
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Old 11-03-2021, 06:28 AM   #2
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Default Re: disconnect

I don't have any thoughts, but I can relate to feeling scared about someone I know really well.

Have you tried asking your T about this?
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Old 11-23-2021, 04:07 AM   #3
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Default Re: disconnect

Quote:
Originally Posted by SprinkL3 View Post
I don't have any thoughts, but I can relate to feeling scared about someone I know really well.

Have you tried asking your T about this?
Its something that I just don't seem to be able to process, he is my saviour from the torture. I was... but I'm hunting for a new one, as my previous T dropped me.
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Old 11-23-2021, 10:34 AM   #4
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Help Re: disconnect

Quote:
Originally Posted by jai-jai View Post
Its something that I just don't seem to be able to process, he is my saviour from the torture. I was... but I'm hunting for a new one, as my previous T dropped me.
@jai-jai - I'm so sorry your previous T dropped you.

Have you experienced ritual abuse and/or spiritual trauma? If so, you might need a T who is really seasoned and trained in trauma work, especially for those who have been involved with cults, religious/spiritual/ritual traumas, and other forms of traumas such as mind control.

Sometimes we survivors don't know what the triggers are, as they are hard to identify when we've dissociated in the past as well as the present. Although your husband may be a safe person for you, he could also be a reminder of past traumas, even though he wasn't involved in the painful inflictions of the trauma. If he rescued you, then that's a great thing, but it could still bring up some past trauma triggers.

Perhaps finding others online here or in specific groups for ritual abuse survivors, mind control survivors, cult survivors, spiritual abuse survivors, clergy abuse survivors, etc., will help you feel connected and get the support you need.

Support is no replacement for therapy, so all we can say or suggest is what has worked for us, and what it sounds like you're saying or expressing to us. We might be wrong on this, or what we say might also be triggering. So use caution when approaching other survivors of this nature. I know I have to use caution, too, as I struggle with dissociation, so I'm not always aware of my trauma triggers until after I experience it sometimes.

When I do experience trauma triggers and become hypervigilant, panicked, etc., I do what my T suggests:

1. I try to identify what is safe in my immediate environment, as well as what is safe within myself. For example, I can see that I'm in a safe place inside my home, and that this area where I live is relatively safe, and that my appointment with my T today is safe, and that I know my favorite Care Bear is safe, etc. This helps me to focus on the here-and-now, and on safety things (as opposed to what our limbic system wants to focus on all the time, which is danger). This is the opposite of danger, so coming up with a safety list will help put reality back into check while also help us relieve the hypervigilance.

2. I try to get up and walk around when feeling frozen. I try to remain grounded by walking around and moving my body a little, and/or breathing, and/or getting a sip of water, and/or finding something safe I can feel like a stuffed animal or a pet or a piece of safe clothing. These are a few examples of grounding techniques. There may be others.

3. Once I'm in a calmer state, I try to figure out what I can do to self-care. I can journal, go online here for more support, process this with a trusted friend or loved one (like your husband, if you could share with him freely about your feelings of him, etc.), reach out to other T's to see if you can find a new T, make a favorite meal, take something for your headache if you have one, take a soothing shower or bath, go for a walk, watch a movie, read a book, do artwork, etc. This all helps to distract you from the triggering events after you have been able to ground yourself and find safety. This helps you get into doing something healthy for yourself while moving forward in everyday life things, so that you aren't feeling so disconnected from the world. This helps to reestablish your sense of being in a safe world, being normalized back into functioning - at least a little, and doing something to self-love or self-care.

4. Getting rest and coming up with a new routine might also help, but only when you are in a much calmer place and only when you've had some distance from the triggering event. Since change is challenging and stressful in and of itself, it's best to do so in small manageable pieces, as opposed to right after calming yourself from a triggering event. For starters, you can simply decide to rest in your own way after you've processed all of this and shelved it for the time you are ready to discuss this with your T or a trusted person, like your husband.

Can you think of anything you are doing to self-care and help yourself at the moment? What have you learned from past therapeutic experiences?
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Old 11-27-2021, 04:05 AM   #5
jai-jai
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Default Re: disconnect

Quote:
Originally Posted by SprinkL3 View Post
@jai-jai - I'm so sorry your previous T dropped you.

Have you experienced ritual abuse and/or spiritual trauma? If so, you might need a T who is really seasoned and trained in trauma work, especially for those who have been involved with cults, religious/spiritual/ritual traumas, and other forms of traumas such as mind control.

Sometimes we survivors don't know what the triggers are, as they are hard to identify when we've dissociated in the past as well as the present. Although your husband may be a safe person for you, he could also be a reminder of past traumas, even though he wasn't involved in the painful inflictions of the trauma. If he rescued you, then that's a great thing, but it could still bring up some past trauma triggers.

Perhaps finding others online here or in specific groups for ritual abuse survivors, mind control survivors, cult survivors, spiritual abuse survivors, clergy abuse survivors, etc., will help you feel connected and get the support you need.

Support is no replacement for therapy, so all we can say or suggest is what has worked for us, and what it sounds like you're saying or expressing to us. We might be wrong on this, or what we say might also be triggering. So use caution when approaching other survivors of this nature. I know I have to use caution, too, as I struggle with dissociation, so I'm not always aware of my trauma triggers until after I experience it sometimes.

When I do experience trauma triggers and become hypervigilant, panicked, etc., I do what my T suggests:

1. I try to identify what is safe in my immediate environment, as well as what is safe within myself. For example, I can see that I'm in a safe place inside my home, and that this area where I live is relatively safe, and that my appointment with my T today is safe, and that I know my favorite Care Bear is safe, etc. This helps me to focus on the here-and-now, and on safety things (as opposed to what our limbic system wants to focus on all the time, which is danger). This is the opposite of danger, so coming up with a safety list will help put reality back into check while also help us relieve the hypervigilance.

2. I try to get up and walk around when feeling frozen. I try to remain grounded by walking around and moving my body a little, and/or breathing, and/or getting a sip of water, and/or finding something safe I can feel like a stuffed animal or a pet or a piece of safe clothing. These are a few examples of grounding techniques. There may be others.

3. Once I'm in a calmer state, I try to figure out what I can do to self-care. I can journal, go online here for more support, process this with a trusted friend or loved one (like your husband, if you could share with him freely about your feelings of him, etc.), reach out to other T's to see if you can find a new T, make a favorite meal, take something for your headache if you have one, take a soothing shower or bath, go for a walk, watch a movie, read a book, do artwork, etc. This all helps to distract you from the triggering events after you have been able to ground yourself and find safety. This helps you get into doing something healthy for yourself while moving forward in everyday life things, so that you aren't feeling so disconnected from the world. This helps to reestablish your sense of being in a safe world, being normalized back into functioning - at least a little, and doing something to self-love or self-care.

4. Getting rest and coming up with a new routine might also help, but only when you are in a much calmer place and only when you've had some distance from the triggering event. Since change is challenging and stressful in and of itself, it's best to do so in small manageable pieces, as opposed to right after calming yourself from a triggering event. For starters, you can simply decide to rest in your own way after you've processed all of this and shelved it for the time you are ready to discuss this with your T or a trusted person, like your husband.

Can you think of anything you are doing to self-care and help yourself at the moment? What have you learned from past therapeutic experiences?
Thanks Sprinkl, I appreciate the advice a d support. I feel so alone in this. Its hard to share, I have some resources and things I can use, sometimes they are not enough.

My trauma is relationship based, no cults or religious trauma for me, but its hard nonetheless.
I've been trying to do things for myself each day. Today I decorated for Christmas. Which was nice, ritualistic for this time of year.
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Old 11-27-2021, 07:16 AM   #6
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Default Re: disconnect

I'm sorry that you struggle with relational trauma. I'm glad it's not spiritual-based though. I have rituals of my own, but it centers around OCD-like stuff, like hand-washing and organizing to cope with anxiety.

I hope you feel better, and I hope things get better.
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