How to talk to someone going through Trauma

AliceKate · Mar 13, 2022 at 05:46 AM

Hi guys,

Possible trigger:

so I have this friend who still has family and friends in Ukraine and he's not doing so well. He constantly reads the news and is very unsure whether he wants Ukraine to keep fighting or give up, because he fears for the people's life and livelihoods. He is looking for ways to help and finds an insufficient amount. He himself does not live in Ukraine anymore.

I'm not looking to give him advice on how to deal with it or how to live his life (that's his wife's "job", if it is anyone's). I am just wondering, as an outsider that has some contact with him, how to talk to him. Like, what should I not say, can I bring stuff up, do I just listen, etc.

Any advice?

Yours, Kate.

am6985 · Mar 13, 2022 at 07:52 AM

I would say just listen and let him know you are there for him. I would avoid saying things like “it will be ok” or “others are going through the same thing/worse”. What he is feeling is valid and phrases like that can make his feelings seem not valid.

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AliceKate · Mar 13, 2022 at 02:41 PM

Thanks am, I will do that

downandlonely · Mar 13, 2022 at 02:43 PM

I agree. Listen and maybe say things like, "I see" and "This sounds very difficult for you."

AliceKate · Mar 13, 2022 at 02:53 PM

And it's okay not to add much of my own, right? I really have very little of value to say

am6985 · Mar 13, 2022 at 02:56 PM

I think the less you add the better. Just be sympathetic for what they are going through and a ear for them.

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downandlonely · Mar 13, 2022 at 02:57 PM

People actually love it when I don't add much input, but just listen. More therapists should see the value in that.

AliceKate · Mar 13, 2022 at 04:14 PM

Thanks guys, I'll stick to that - his need to be heard without a doubt trumps my need to desperately stumble about trying to find something useful to say at any rate

Open Eyes · Mar 19, 2022 at 02:54 PM

A friend of my daughters is really struggling because her family is in Ukraine. She sick with worry. All you can do is be a caring presence willing to listen while the person struggling vents.

AliceKate · Mar 20, 2022 at 10:59 AM

Yes, and help when they come...

RollercoasterLover · Mar 20, 2022 at 03:55 PM

Listen when they talk. Phrases that acknowledge and validate like "this must be difficult" and "I can hear the (insert emotion they are expressing such as fear,anger or frustration) in your words"
I also think it's OK to tell people you don't know what to say. I also think it's OK to ask them if there is anything you can do or say that would help them. They may need someone to just listen. They may be tired of processing difficulties and need a distraction from it all.

AliceKate · Mar 20, 2022 at 04:02 PM

Thanks for your inputs guys

*Beth* · Apr 27, 2022 at 03:58 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by AliceKate

Thanks for your inputs guys

I have friends that are like family in Bulgaria, in Sofia, and now Putler has turned off their gas.

AliceKate, how is your friend?

AliceKate · Apr 28, 2022 at 12:26 AM

He is better. His parents have been able to leave Ukraine and are now living with his wife and him. His brothers, their wifes and children, by a stroke of mirical, were outside of Ukraine when the war started. He and his wife still have friends and some family there, but his closest one's are thankfully safe now. It's still hard, but it seems to be less traumatic now, and more hard to a non-traumatic degree.

How are your friends?

Oakland · Apr 28, 2022 at 03:17 PM

One thing I know is when I was in a bad place I was not consistent, also I tended to be bad tempered, plus of course specific things or pressure made me worse.

If I was in your shoes I'd have to realize - as CJames has said - that you need to make sure you are OK long term. One of the ways of doing that is not to try to try to accommodate your freind's every mood change but simply try to steer a sensible constant course. If you can get across the idea that you are going to be there for her that is a very big thing. My partner did this and it made a world of difference to me. What I'm saying here is based on my experience with her.

AliceKate · Apr 28, 2022 at 11:58 PM

Thanks Oakland, I'm really not. His wife is my friend, he is by proxy. I don't see either of them very frequently, just recently I helped a friend of her's find accomodation in Germany, so the contact was more frequent than it usually is. I do accomodate his mood shifts when I see him though, but that is aproximately once a month.

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am6985 Junior Member Member Since Jul 2021 Location: Missouri Posts: 15 2	Mar 13, 2022 at 07:52 AM #2 I would say just listen and let him know you are there for him. I would avoid saying things like “it will be ok” or “others are going through the same thing/worse”. What he is feeling is valid and phrases like that can make his feelings seem not valid. Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
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AliceKate Grand Member Member Since Jan 2021 Location: On a raindrop far, far away Posts: 871 3 2,208 hugs given	Mar 13, 2022 at 02:41 PM #3 Thanks am, I will do that __________________ my life explained in two smileys
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downandlonely Legendary Member Since Mar 2018 Location: United States Posts: 10,760 (SuperPoster!) 6 10.6k hugs given	Mar 13, 2022 at 02:43 PM #4 I agree. Listen and maybe say things like, "I see" and "This sounds very difficult for you."
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AliceKate Grand Member Member Since Jan 2021 Location: On a raindrop far, far away Posts: 871 3 2,208 hugs given	Mar 13, 2022 at 02:53 PM #5 And it's okay not to add much of my own, right? I really have very little of value to say __________________ my life explained in two smileys
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am6985 Junior Member Member Since Jul 2021 Location: Missouri Posts: 15 2	Mar 13, 2022 at 02:56 PM #6 I think the less you add the better. Just be sympathetic for what they are going through and a ear for them. Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
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downandlonely Legendary Member Since Mar 2018 Location: United States Posts: 10,760 (SuperPoster!) 6 10.6k hugs given	Mar 13, 2022 at 02:57 PM #7 People actually love it when I don't add much input, but just listen. More therapists should see the value in that.
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AliceKate Grand Member Member Since Jan 2021 Location: On a raindrop far, far away Posts: 871 3 2,208 hugs given	Mar 13, 2022 at 04:14 PM #8 Thanks guys, I'll stick to that - his need to be heard without a doubt trumps my need to desperately stumble about trying to find something useful to say at any rate __________________ my life explained in two smileys
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Open Eyes Legendary Wise Elder Member Since Mar 2011 Location: Northeast USA Posts: 23,113 (SuperPoster!) 13 21.3k hugs given	Mar 19, 2022 at 02:54 PM #9 A friend of my daughters is really struggling because her family is in Ukraine. She sick with worry. All you can do is be a caring presence willing to listen while the person struggling vents.
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AliceKate Grand Member Member Since Jan 2021 Location: On a raindrop far, far away Posts: 871 3 2,208 hugs given	Mar 20, 2022 at 10:59 AM #10 Yes, and help when they come... __________________ my life explained in two smileys
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AliceKate Grand Member Member Since Jan 2021 Location: On a raindrop far, far away Posts: 871 3 2,208 hugs given	Mar 20, 2022 at 04:02 PM #12 Thanks for your inputs guys __________________ my life explained in two smileys
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