Diagnosed last March

I can't really say that it came as a surprise, but it still doesn't feel entirely real. Or maybe it's just that it doesn't feel alright to admit.

My parents are both alcoholics and my life growing up in that house was fairly awful. I'm also a victim of childhood sexual abuse, and at least one emotionally abusive partner. I won't go into details, but I've had nightmares about my parents killing me since I was in middle school. Almost all of my nightmares are about my parents, tbh.

I still go to visit them sometimes, and it's not impossible for me to have a good time with them. But every time I even think about going to see them I start having a panic attack. I don't think they'll ever get sober, or divorce (they should), or anything else that would make me feel less anxious around them. I also don't think I could ever fully cut them off - I'd feel guilty and they'd lose their **** trying to find me.

It's not even easy for me to admit that I was abused. It feels like I'm being mean to the people that hurt me or something. I guess that's why it's difficult to accept this diagnosis as easily as I've accepted my others - it confirms my trauma which also confirms my abuse and neglect...

Hi @bad4yourKarma - I am sorry you suffered abuse. No one should have to go through that.

People who have been toxic in our lives are difficult to be around. It brings up all that trauma again.

Alanon is one organization that has online support for family members of alcoholics. If you find that trauma is disrupting your life, you might consider therapy with someone trained in Surviving Abuse and or PTSD.

I know how you feel. I was 40 yo before I told anyone, including my husband, about my childhood abuse which included sexual abuse as well. I am now 60.
I recommend you find a good psychiatrist and take an antidepressant and an antianxiety medication. Propranolol is helpful for the hypervigilance and overactive startle reflex. I also highly recommend EMDR therapy.

Good luck. With treatment, life becomes better.