4 months of symptoms

In November, a grandparent passed. I realized that I had to make some changes and I wanted a lot of things. It took 4+ months to go through high intense symptoms of flash backs, regret, and negative self-image.

There were several times that I wanted to go in for care but got denied. I was not in a high enough symptomatic state. You see I am incredably good at talking my way out of going in because I hate wearing a mask in those places and I hate them period.

One day during February I was most-likely in shock from cold exposure. After a I.V. and a med I was lower symptoms. I thought it was Christmas, Yet it was February, yet still had to recover on my own as an outpatient.

Finding a bed for higher level of care was not possible because of space, yet I found a way. I engaged in cleaning and trying to organize things, taking a med that I hated. I started playing music, I started moving my body. I started finding a way to live that was more to who I am.

I was reminded that being me is the most important aspect of life.

Greif brought out symptoms of many traumas and I was reliving them with little support from professionals and doing things that I was always told to do by professionals and people around me.

Here's my simple list:
Organizing, Creativity, Letting the emotions go, and breathing.

The simple things are the hardest. It took 5 months to work through all of the pain of strong emotions. And the pain lasted years.

As long as I continue doing the same things, I will continue to heal one day at a time.

“I engaged in cleaning and trying to organize things, taking a med that I hated. I started playing music, I started moving my body. I started finding a way to live that was more to who I am.

I was reminded that being me is the most important aspect of life. “

I am so sorry we have so little support in this country, so little care, so few programs and so few active clinicians for the people that need them. Trauma has become a massive money making ‘industry of expertise’ in my experience, in which actual help exists but for a very few, usually who are wealthy enough to buy it at great expense.

Yet amidst that you have found the inner resources and strength to put your wisdoms and knowledge into practice. I’m so proud of you 👏 !!! May you continue to heal and be steadfast in nurturing and cultivating so many healing things in your life. You are proof that healing things work when we do them. We’re cheering for you!