[AliceKate]

Hi guys,

Possible trigger:

so I have this friend who still has family and friends in Ukraine and he's not doing so well. He constantly reads the news and is very unsure whether he wants Ukraine to keep fighting or give up, because he fears for the people's life and livelihoods. He is looking for ways to help and finds an insufficient amount. He himself does not live in Ukraine anymore.

I'm not looking to give him advice on how to deal with it or how to live his life (that's his wife's "job", if it is anyone's). I am just wondering, as an outsider that has some contact with him, how to talk to him. Like, what should I not say, can I bring stuff up, do I just listen, etc.

Any advice?

Yours, Kate.

[am6985]

I would say just listen and let him know you are there for him. I would avoid saying things like “it will be ok” or “others are going through the same thing/worse”. What he is feeling is valid and phrases like that can make his feelings seem not valid.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[AliceKate]

Thanks am, I will do that

[downandlonely]

I agree. Listen and maybe say things like, "I see" and "This sounds very difficult for you."

[AliceKate]

And it's okay not to add much of my own, right? I really have very little of value to say

[am6985]

I think the less you add the better. Just be sympathetic for what they are going through and a ear for them.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[downandlonely]

People actually love it when I don't add much input, but just listen. More therapists should see the value in that.

[AliceKate]

Thanks guys, I'll stick to that - his need to be heard without a doubt trumps my need to desperately stumble about trying to find something useful to say at any rate

[Open Eyes]

A friend of my daughters is really struggling because her family is in Ukraine. She sick with worry. All you can do is be a caring presence willing to listen while the person struggling vents.

[AliceKate]

Yes, and help when they come...

[RollercoasterLover]

Listen when they talk. Phrases that acknowledge and validate like "this must be difficult" and "I can hear the (insert emotion they are expressing such as fear,anger or frustration) in your words"
I also think it's OK to tell people you don't know what to say. I also think it's OK to ask them if there is anything you can do or say that would help them. They may need someone to just listen. They may be tired of processing difficulties and need a distraction from it all.

[AliceKate]

Thanks for your inputs guys

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by AliceKate

Thanks for your inputs guys

I have friends that are like family in Bulgaria, in Sofia, and now Putler has turned off their gas.

AliceKate, how is your friend?

[AliceKate]

He is better. His parents have been able to leave Ukraine and are now living with his wife and him. His brothers, their wifes and children, by a stroke of mirical, were outside of Ukraine when the war started. He and his wife still have friends and some family there, but his closest one's are thankfully safe now. It's still hard, but it seems to be less traumatic now, and more hard to a non-traumatic degree.

How are your friends?

[Oakland]

One thing I know is when I was in a bad place I was not consistent, also I tended to be bad tempered, plus of course specific things or pressure made me worse.

If I was in your shoes I'd have to realize - as CJames has said - that you need to make sure you are OK long term. One of the ways of doing that is not to try to try to accommodate your freind's every mood change but simply try to steer a sensible constant course. If you can get across the idea that you are going to be there for her that is a very big thing. My partner did this and it made a world of difference to me. What I'm saying here is based on my experience with her.

[AliceKate]

Thanks Oakland, I'm really not. His wife is my friend, he is by proxy. I don't see either of them very frequently, just recently I helped a friend of her's find accomodation in Germany, so the contact was more frequent than it usually is. I do accomodate his mood shifts when I see him though, but that is aproximately once a month.