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AppleLime
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Member Since: Aug 2022
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Default Dec 02, 2022 at 02:29 AM
  #1
Was I traumaised by my ex friends?

My therapist told me she be doing EMDR therapy to help me process the memory and emotions because I keep having flash backs from the past when I talk to them.

One of them rescently wanted to reach out and talk after 4 years of not talking, however I have try to talk to them and they have been nice but I keep having flash backs and nightmares.

Did they like cause PSTD in me?

History of the friendship.

So this old friend well I thought was a friend but after going to therapy I realised their behaviour and commication was gaslighting, invalidating, projecting blame on other people and down right a bully.

This friendship goes way.....back to begining stages of high school.
I was 12-13 at the time and this friend we will give them a fake name for the sake for their privacy we will name them Ashely.

Ashely became friends with this girl who I was friends with at primary school we will named them Rachel.
My friendship with Rachel was very off and on and she would tend to bully me and then I will come back being all sorry and we be friends again.

So Ashely and Rachel thought it be a great idea and pretty much bully me for that whole year.

Following year unfortunately I was in the same class as Ashely. Again she bullied me.

The last year of that school before I changed school was the turning point.

I told Ashely that I had a dream about us being naked and looking at each other. You might wonder why I told her, well at the time we were "friends". Well so I thought.
I felt guilty for some reason to have this dream so I guess in the back of my mind if I confess it, then the guilt will go away.
I was going to a catholic all girl school. So the whole confessional thing being brought up Catholic was at the time very deep in me.

Ashely litterally ran away and told everyone I was gay. Yes we are talking about early 2000's here so at the time it wasn't accepted to be gay.
You weren't even allowed by law to be married if you were gay.

Basically it got so bad I had six weeks off school and moved to a public school.

I realised at the public school I wasn't gay. I believed what Ashely told me was true because at the time I had a lack sense of myself who I was as a person. However once I went to a public school and their was oppostie sex I realised I wasn't.

One year without Ashely was a blessing. Although she still try to get to me by talking to some guy at my school and he started saying stuff. But no one take notice of him, thank goodness.

Following year you wouldnt believe it!
But she came to my school!
Someone from my old pervious school who I happened to work with after school at this job. Told me Ashely bullied someone else and spread rumours, no one believed her and she became a loner.

However I was aboustely scared of her being at my school now. It felt like she was haunting me.
We ended up being in the same class together.
Basically we became friends and I learnt a lot that her family was pretty much emotionally, verbally abusive to her.

After we finished school we went to a art course together.
Everything was fine until this pattern of bullying started again.
Ashely realised when we went to our art course that this other girl we will name her Sophie went to the same school we all did. But I never knew her since our school was massive and had a lot of students.

We all sat in the same class but over time Ashely and Sophie started to bully me. It was litterally all over again from what happened with Ashely and Rachel.

I always asked for help for some things with written theory. They got impatient with me and I felt I was in the way, so I asked the teacher if they could move my desk.

Ashely and Sophie stopped talking to me. I felt isolated and lonely.

I remember it all came down when I joked to a class mate in class how you wouldn't want Ashely to look after kids because she takes drugs. Which a few of students did and I don't think the teacher care at all. It was obvious who was taking drugs or not.

Suddenly after class I was in the elevator and just joking with Ashely, at that time we were talking terms.Then as we step out of elevator and I was about to step out of the building Ashely switch her behaviour and told me not to say that about her and drugs because she could get kick out of class if they found out she was on drugs.
I thought at the time she was being paraiond and the teacher probably knew like many other students and didn't care.
I told her I was sorry but she walked off in a huff with Sophie and this other girl we will name Kate.

I felt really ashamed and guilty. I txt her saying I'm really sorry but Ashely and Sophie started to get really cruel and started sending abusive txt messages to me. I recalled laying on the floor in my mother's house after I got back from my class and cried so hard.

I was then bullied by them even more so, I eventually had to change class rooms.

Same pattern as in high school changing schools

I was left alone by them and they never spoke to me.

My partner told me this ,year's later back then Ashely and Sophie try to talk bad about me to him. Thankfully my partner told them "I be judgement of that" and walked away from them.

Following year I thought to mend things with them. I recalled Ashely was like "Oh no stay away" but Sophie thought "hang on let's just mend things"
and we'll... I was pretty much wasn't allowed to sit next to them. I didn't realised at the time they weren't friends but I had such a bad habit blamming myself for every situation that happen with them I couldn't see pass it.

During that year Sophie take me to the side and told me in privacy that last year when Ashely was sending abusive txt messages to me and as well her. That it was actually Ashely using Sophie's phone. Sophie asked Ashely but why? and she said I need back up.

I still think Sophie is still responsible for it, since when Sophie got home and had her phone with her. She could've message me and say it wasn't her back then. Plus she still gave the phone to Ashely.

After that year I didn't went back to that art course.

It really affected my mental health I found myself crying the toilets at that art course. Plus my socail anxiety just sky rocketed.
I try to do another different course but I was so afarid I be bullied I stopped going. I did notice I became hyper aware of things like if I saw two girls laughing I assume they were laughing at me. I ended up crying after the course as well.

Later on Ashely showed up again probably back in 2012-2013We became chatty and got along. She asked if she could stay at my mum's house cause of her father was being abusive. She moved out and stopped talking to me.

Later on I notice most on Ashely's and Sophie's Facebook page of photos of them hanging out. I felt hurt and upset because they never invited me. I always thought what was wrong with me?

Then they suddenly included me in. It all came to a end when I didn't want to go to a bush walk because of my anxiety. Ashely pretty much gaslighted me project blame on me. Very toxic commication that I notice looking back.
So she stopped talking to me.

Sophie was nice and message me saying she didn't want to take part with what Ashely was doing.

My last interaction with Ashely would be back in 2017. When I was mentally unwell and had a crappy, terrible student therapist that made my symptoms worse. She was kind enough to ask to hang out with this other person who I knew at our art class but I didn't really knew them that well enough.
It was some thing small that Ashely did but it made me feel small and ashamed and kinda dumb.

Ashely asked me when we were at the mall at a shoe shop ,how much these two schools bags cost together. I just gave a randmon guess, I'm not good at maths and have dsylexia.
Ashely knew I did not do well at school neither did she since we were in this Learning class at school together.
Basically I gave a randmon number and she told me "That's wrong, usally people get it right".

I was shocked and confused why she did that because I didn't do anything before during the day we hang out to upset her.

I asked her later on why she did that? she told me she thought it was cute.

I then message Sophie what happened and they told me when they use to hang out with Ashely and with that same person from that art course. They would make fun of the words she would say and English is her second language. Which I look back was really mean.

Unfortunately with Sophie that friendship fell a part too in 2017.

Here is what happened

Regards to Sophie when I look back I was really not mentally well at all. I had suicide thoughts , self harm and my therapist wasn't even helping me. I never left the house either and if I did it was to go to therapy.
My therapist wasn't kind to me told me and I quote "my mum should've of had kids" that I should camp outside out of my mum's house. That I wasn't doing the work which the therapist get go to was just mindfullness and that was it. He told me to do it for a hour when I haven't done mindfullness before, so when I said hey I did it 10 mins he got bothered by this. I only reached 45 mins in the long run doing it.
I would tell my therapist "Hey I don't think therapy is working" and he would say "I'm a bad therapist". I was as well had a love transference with the therapist which was horrible as well.

It all ended and I got myself a descent therapist at the end of 2017.

Basically thats what happened to me at 2017.

So with Sophie this all started in that year 2017. I sent her my art work and she message and told me "Looks nice but don't you think the head looks a bit big" I felt crizited of my own work and I didn't ask for any feedback.
I just sent her photo. I didn't know how to respond so I just did at the time what my nightmare therapist told me to do when someone says something upsetting "I don't appericate the negative comment" and then after I said that Hell broke loose. Sophie got really pisst off at me.
All I remember was crying so hard about it all.

I reached out to a friend who knew Sophie from our art course. We will name them Rory. Rory told me their experience and going out with them and how Sophie made Rory to leave his current girlfriend and come and live with her but he said he couldn't do it.

And how Sophie spoke behind his back and their work place.

He rescently reached out to her back in 2017 because one of his friends told him that Sophie was still talking bad about him. Their relationship I assume happened 5 years ago at that time.

I recalled Sophie telling in 2017 and was confused why was Rory contacting her and seem really paranoid about it. I was confused and didn't know at that time their history. I even thought did something happened between them?
I even asked her this but she never told me. She just made fun of his art work.
I told this to Rory.

During our fight between Sophie and that Kate I told you earlier on at the art course that hang with Ashely and Sophie. Well she! got involved I told her what was happening because I was talking to her anyway and I slowly realised she was siding with Sophie. I thought Kate was a mediator between myself and Sophie and was helping us, but that was further from the truth. I said to her well Rory said this about Sophie and after that Rory messages me and said "Hey did you told Sophie I was talking about her"? I was confsued and said "no why"? and she replied back and said "Well she message me and said this" and he show me screen shot of the converstation. "Hey if she ever comes and talks about me, come and talk to me first she is seeking vaildation"

I felt upset and thought to myself who is to say her experience is the "only truth". You need to hear two sides of a story and then make your own judgment.
I notice that someone was my friend on Facebook defriended me and I learnt they were friends with Sophie. So I assume she talk bad about me to a lot of people.

I stopped talking to Rory all together.

Kate kept talking to me.
I was abit suss thinking she was just reporting back to Sophie. The reason why I thought this was one day that Kate by mistake sent me a screenshot of this person friend list I knew from art course and said "Sorry that was meant for Sophie"
I thought wow so Sophie uses Kate as some spy or something.

I confronted Kate and said "did you told Sophie I spoke to Rory"? and he said "no, but it was obvious" and I was thinking really? so Sophie went around randmonly messaging people about me?

I eventually found out Kate hanged with Sophie and she lied to me saying she was going to some camp but looking on the socail media wasn't the case.

I asked if Kate if they could send a apology message to Sophie.it was super long and I take time to sit and think how she felt etc. He did because Sophie had me blocked after many times telling her for 1 year I was sorry.
He sent this message after 3 years not talking to Sophie.

It take 3 months for her to replied back and it wasn't really well...in depth more surface level..I notice she didn't even told me how she felt more like describe the situation..My therapist told me if someone says "I feel like...." they are
intellectualizing their emotions.

Sophie said this quote. I will say I didn't block her so I don't know what she was going on about not contacting me on Facebook. I think cause she blocked me and got confused or something.

Also I haven't seen Sophie in person since gosh maybe 2015.

"Hey I got your message from Kate a while ago. Sry took some time to get back to it. Also been trying to contact u on fb but the option wasn't there to do so.

Regarding your message yeah I've moved on from what happened. Everything is fine and u don't have to worry about anything. It was just difficult when I feel like my care and time has been taken for granted and that you would let ******** Rory said affect your own judgment on our years of friendship. I just don't want to be dealing with these repeating turmoil when all I was trying to do was help. Hope u understand I had to step back recover from it myself.
Best if we both just move on from this.

Hope you're doing well and coping well with things at home.

My response was
" Hi. Thank you for taking your time to read my message and replying back.
It's much appericated and vauled. Thank you.

I just want to say I'm sorry and regretful for not recongising the time and care you put in to help me,when I was struggling. And the hurt I put you through. Cause I was hurting in the inside and putting it on other people and not taking responsibility for own hurt. So I understand why you needed to step back from this. It makes sense.

I agree too it's best to move on from this.

Yes,I'm doing well. It's been a very healing, self development the past 2 years and worth it.
Hope you are doing well and all.

Sophie's response was
"Happy to hear

I wanted to cut ties with this guy I kept having flash backs of the past it was upsetting me deeply.

I did but about maybe 6 months later he contacted me again. Ask for a print of my art work which I didn't had anyway. I spoke to my therapist about it and told me to just keep it general don't need to tell him details of my life.
So it's just sending cat videos these days. But even then he is triggering.

Sophie wasn't nice in general she said things to me like when I was going through the awful love transference she said " you act like a dog with a bone in it's mouth looking for love from your therapist"
she said very blunt things to me.
When I told her my grandma died she didn't say anything but during that year when my grandma died she message me telling me how her online friend died and how shocked she was. I felt resentful because she wasn't there for me when my grandma died. Which I was very close to her.

She would randomly message me her art work and say how terrible it was and it is terrible and I found myself saying no it's not.

She told me how she watches poor people on YouTube in Africa to make herself feel better.

Sophie told some strange stories one was how her ex boyfriend cut himself when she said she wanted to leave him. And how they went to and once in hospital her boyfriend bleed out. When I look back it doesn't make sense. I've been to albance and to hospital you don't wait at a waiting room you instantly go and be treated straight away.

Sophie would say how her dad is paying her apartment and then the next it was her paying the apartment. It didn't add up.

I recalled when I spent time once with Ashely and Sophie I mentioned how my dad spent all his money from what he got from his parents and never on my mum or me. And he cheated and left my mum.
Suddenly it became a werid competition and Sophie said "Well my dad took our pet fish and put it down the toilet"

I recalled how she said to me once how she stood outside out of her boyfriend's bedroom window in the dark crying. Because she was upset with him.

I told this all to my therapist and said to me she has some sort of personality disorder.



I try to mend things back in 2018 after I got better and got myself a descent therapist.

However I notice they take forever to reply back as usally it be months if she ever got back to you. I thought I can't really have a friendship with someone like this that never replies.

They did ask to hang out in 2019 but I refused after going to therapy and knowing this whole time this friend was toxic.
I back off.

Regards to Sophie when I look back I was really not mentally well at all. I had suicide thoughts , self harm and my therapist wasn't even helping me. I never left the house either and if I did it was to go to therapy.
My therapist wasn't kind to me told me and I quote "my mum should've of had kids" that I should camp outside out of my mum's house. That I wasn't doing the work which the therapist get go to was just mindfullness and that was it. He told me to do it for a hour when I haven't done mindfullness before, so when I said hey I did it 10 mins he got bothered by this. I only reached 45 mins in the long run doing it.
I would tell my therapist "Hey I don't think therapy is working" and he would say "I'm a bad therapist".
He promise me once he graduates from his studies end of that year I be able to continue therapy with him. Well that was a lie. You might think but why would you continue therapy with him if he was making you worse. Well like I said I wasn't mentally well and didn't see how toxic it was. Anyway it was a lie because second to last week of therapy he told me it was going end. I contacted my Occupational therapist who works with my therapist as a team and he didn't know this that the therapist was leaving.
Pretty much I didn't go to the last session because I was afarid I would end my life due to being abandon by my therapist.

Basically thats what happened to me at 2017.

So with Sophie this all started in that year 2017. I sent her my art work and she message and told me "Looks nice but don't you think the head looks a bit big" I felt crizited of my own work and I didn't ask for any feedback.
I just sent her photo. I didn't know how to respond so I just did at the time what my nightmare therapist told me to do when someone says something upsetting "I don't appericate the negative comment" and then after I said that Hell broke loose. Sophie got really pisst off at me.
All I remember was crying so hard about it all.

I reached out to a friend who knew Sophie from our art course. We will name them Rory. Rory told me their experience and going out with them and how Sophie made Rory to leave his current girlfriend and come and live with her but he said he couldn't do it.

And how Sophie spoke behind his back and their work place.

He rescently reached out to her back in 2017 because one of his friends told him that Sophie was still talking bad about him. Their relationship I assume happened 5 years ago at that time.

I recalled Sophie telling in 2017 and was confused why was Rory contacting her and seem really paranoid about it. I was confused and didn't know at that time their history. I even thought did something happened between them?
I even asked her this but she never told me. She just made fun of his art work.
I told this to Rory.

During our fight between Sophie and that Kate I told you earlier on at the art course that hang with Ashely and Sophie. Well she! got involved I told her what was happening because I was talking to her anyway and I slowly realised she was siding with Sophie. I thought Katw was a mediator between myself and Sophie and was helping us, but that was further from the turth. I said to her well Rory said this about Sophie and after that Rory messages me and said "Hey did you told Sophie I was talking about her"? I was confsued and said "no why"? and she repiled back and said "Well she message me and said this" and he show me screen shot of the converstation. "Hey if she ever comes and talks about me, come and talk to me first she is seeking vaildation"

I felt upset and thought to myself who is to say her experience is the "only turth". You need to hear two sides of a story and then make your own judgment.
I notice that someone was my friend on Facebook defriended me and I learnt they were friend with Sophie. So I assume she talk bad about me to a lot of people.

I stopped talking to Rory all together.

Kate kept talking to me.
I was abit suss thinking she was just reporting back to Sophie. The reason why I thought this was one day that Kate by mistake sent me a screenshot of this person friendlist I knew from art course and said "Sorry that was meant for Sophie"
I thought wow so Sophie uses Kate as some spy or something.

I confronted Kate and said "did you told Sophie I spoke to Rory"? and he said "no, but it was obvious" and I was thinking really? so Sophie went around randmonly messaging people about me?

I eventually found out Kate hanged with Sophie and she lied to me saying she was going to some camp but looking on the socail media wasn't the case.

I asked if Kate if they could send a apology message to Sophie.it was super long and I take time to sit and think how she felt etc. He did because Sophie had me blocked after many times telling her for 1 year I was sorry.
He sent this message after 3 years not talking to Sophie.

It take 3 months for her to replied back and it wasn't really well...in depth more surface level..I notice she didn't even told me how she felt more like describe the situation..My therapist told me if someone says "I feel like...." they are intellgenicing their emotions.

Sophie said this quote. I will say I didn't block her so I don't know what she was going on about not contacting me on Facebook. I think cause she blocked me and got confused or something.

Also I haven't seen Sophie in person since gosh maybe 2015.

"Hey I got your message from Kate a while ago. Sry took some time to get back to it. Also been trying to contact u on fb but the option wasn't there to do so.

Regarding your message yeah I've moved on from what happened. Everything is fine and u don't have to worry about anything. It was just diffcult when I feel like my care and time has been taken for granted and that you would let ******** Rory said affect your own judgment on our years of friendship. I just don't want to be dealing with these repeating turmoil when all I was trying to do was help. Hope u understand I had to step back recover from it myself.
Best if we both just move on from this.

Hope you're doing well and coping well with things at home.

My response was
" Hi. Thank you for taking your time to read my message and replying back.
It's much appericated and vauled. Thank you.

I just want to say I'm sorry and regretful for not recongising the time and care you put in to help me,when I was struggling. And the hurt I put you through. Cause I was hurting in the inside and putting it on other people and not taking responsibility for own hurt. So I understand why you needed to step back from this. It makes sense.

I agree too it's best to move on from this.

Yes,I'm doing well. It's been a very healing, self development the past 2 years and worth it.
Hope you are doing well and all.

Sophie's response was
"Happy to hear

I wanted to cut ties with this guy I kept having flash backs of the past it was upsetting me deeply.

I did but about maybe 6 months later he contacted me again. Ask for a print of my art work which I didn't had anyway. I spoke to my therapist about it and told me to just keep it general don't need to tell him details of my life.
So it's just sending cat videos these days. But even then he is triggering.

Sophie wasn't nice in general she said things to me like when I was going through the awful love transference she said " you act like a dog with a bone in it's mouth looking for love from your therapist"
she said very blunt things to me.
When I told her my grandma died she didn't say anything but during that year when my grandma died she message me telling me how her online friend died and how shocked she was. I felt resentful because she wasn't there for me when my grandma died. Which I was very close to her.

She would randomly message me her art work and say how terrible it was and it is terrible and I found myself saying no it's not.

She told me how she watches poor people on YouTube in Africa to make herself feel better.

Sophie told some strange stories one was how her ex boyfriend cut himself when she said she wanted to leave him. And how they went to
ambulance and once in hospital her boyfriend bleed out. When I look back it doesn't make sense. I've been to ambulance and to hospital you don't wait at a waiting room you instantly go and be treated straight away.

Sophie would say how her dad is paying her apartment and then the next it was her paying the apartment. It didn't add up.

I recalled when I spent time once with Ashely and Sophie I mentioned how my dad spent all his money from what he got from his parents and never on my mum or me. And he cheated and left my mum.
Suddenly it became a werid competition and Sophie said "Well my dad took our pet fish and put it down the toilet"

I recalled how she said to me once how she stood outside out of her boyfriend's bedroom window in the dark crying. Because she was upset with him.

I told this all to my therapist and said to me she has some sort of personailty disorder.


However now Ashely has message me saying they coming back overseas and say they miss me after 4 years of not talking and want to meetup.
I message her back to be nice but I realised I'm actually scared of her seeing her.

I spoke to my therapist about it gave me two options say you are okay to talk but don't want to meet up or you need a break from the friendship.

Since I was already having a conversation with her I said I'm not ready to catch up but we can be still talk. Ashely seem okay with that but I've notice I keep getting flash backs from the past.
From the art course to being bullied at high school by her and even with Sophie.

I find myself talking outloud pretending they are them and telling them how they hurt me or what was going on for me.
It would take a hour or half a hour of this. It does disrupted my day and it only happens when I'm alone in the house.

And it seem to got more intense since I've spoken to Ashely before it would happen now and then but not like this.

Thoughts?

thank you for reading my long message and my history with this friend.

I do appericate you taking your time to read this and any advice would be much appericate it. ❤️
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Default Dec 02, 2022 at 11:34 PM
  #2
I would like to respond to your post but sadly I am recovering from an eye injury and cannot read long posts. Hopefully others here will see your post and respond to it kindly and helpfully. I hope to read your post when my eyes are better.
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Default Dec 07, 2022 at 12:47 AM
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After reading the first quarter of your post I'm gonna say yes, they abused you and abuse can cause ptsd. I would stay way clear of these people if I were you.

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Default Dec 07, 2022 at 03:17 AM
  #4
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Originally Posted by AliceKate View Post
After reading the first quarter of your post I'm gonna say yes, they abused you and abuse can cause ptsd. I would stay way clear of these people if I were you.
oh thank you for reading it even the first quarter. I know it was long haha. I find it hard to shorten things.

Yeah I always thought that pstd was people who go to war or been sexually abused etc.
But even being bullied by someone over time can do it?
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Default Dec 07, 2022 at 05:31 AM
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Yes. Research on complex ptsd. that is the essence.

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Default Dec 07, 2022 at 07:01 PM
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Yes. Research on complex ptsd. that is the essence.
oh so it's called complex PTSD. So there is a difference between PTSD and complex?

gosh it sucks though that Ashely friend, her parents live near where I live.
I felt a bit anxious yesturday walking my dog thinking oh gosh! what if I bump into her.

I was talking to her because she reached out like couple weeks ago and said she is coming overseas. However I try to but can't. I keep having flash backs of the past and over obsess what happened in the past. I had to delete Reddit because I kept making post about it to get different people veiw on it.
It take a lot off my time and neglected the stuff that I enjoy.

So worried I would see her is like a nightmare for me. That's what happened today! well kinda. I was driving and take the left turn from my lane where I live to avoid her parents house from the memories. However as I turn left and went further I saw her walking with her dad and the dog. I felt shocked and thought to myself she must've lied to me.

I say that because she messaged me like today saying she Arrived and she would talk later. Saying she felt strange and that these were not going good with her family.

However I saw her walking with her dad and her dad seem engaged what she was was saying.

It's not the first time she has lied to me.

Wondering how to cope since she lives close. I thought to avoid the supermarket that's 5 mins where I live and wer where parents live and avoid the wall routes around that area.
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Default Dec 07, 2022 at 07:43 PM
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Things not going well with her family and her feeling strange doesn’t mean she can’t be walking and talking with her dad. They were maybe discussing their relationship or who knows. It doesn’t mean she is lying. You can’t make such assumptions. You made similar assumptions about other friend, the one you had art business together. You can’t just assume things

You seem unusually preoccupied with this lady. It’s pointless trying to analyze why she is walking with her dad. Just let it go. She bullied you as a kid. You can’t fix that but let’s try to work on it in therapy and move on. Analyzing her current life is not serving any purpose
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Thanks for this!
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Member Since: Jan 2021
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Default Dec 08, 2022 at 01:10 AM
  #8
Maybe it would help if you blocked her on social media? There is absolutely no need for you to be available to her if you do not wish to. No need to be polite. Just cut her out as much as you can. If you run into her in the super market just tell her you can't talk. Changing your habits to avoid her just increases her power over you. She is irrelevant.

That's how I would try to deal with this at least

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Default Dec 08, 2022 at 01:28 PM
  #9
I understand you trying to avoid the routes where you might see her.I did the same recently.A person from my past tried to contact me that she was moving to my town.I didn't respond to her texts or calls because it induced anxiety in me.I don't want to rekindle the relationship. She and her entire family were toxic to me back then.So what's the point?I went shopping with my friend and lo and behold She was the sales associate there.But she pretended not to recognise me,put up a scorned face.It induced a mild anxiety in me.I decided not to go to that shop any more.I felt the need to protect myself.The mere sight of her aggravated my feelings.I don't want that to happen again. Anyhow plenty of places for shopping around here.I get it what you said.Take care of yourself.
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