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Gasplessy
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Default Dec 26, 2022 at 11:14 AM
  #1
[Please excuse my english. Non native]

When I subscribed to this forum my life was a mess but just a little still manageble.
But also not. I think I did mess up really too much when younger i thought already 7-6 years ago was to late to save my soul. That's how already felt
The point is that back in the days i had to dig that. Rationally. And work.
But somehow didnt.
This post should end here

I used to be completely different in my early twenties, quite a simple person and grounded
Had a job, had some plans, had people around

Then i experienced a so called life crisis and started doing awful s*it. Being too emotional, and childish.
the timing
People usually become more responsible aging, conveniently
I did the exact opposite

I was the kind of kid who clean the house while the parents are at work
I used to do autonomosly job search when I was 18, i worried so much about family, and home

I had a dark side. Lazyness. Sometimes I would just lay in bed or isolate in parking lots to take a break

But it was under check... right?
(No)

And eventually my life went to pieces
And from here, i dont even remember well how
I let myself go. Extreme way
And yet i dont remember
"2015. I was working, i was aware of my problems i would share with my older sister. She didnt care but it wasnt her responsability. It was mine and I knew.
So... what happened after that year? Cause it was the last year of my life, i guess"

I dont want to dig into psychology. It is dangerous
However, i guess i had a psychotic event in 2018-19
Then, my father died in most awful way

I have a pain in my chest and it is like a tattoo
I dont want to have fun, i had too much when younger. The pain reminds me I have been a careless person and people died

I feel like the main character of "Manchester by the sea"(movie)
I hate it, but there is really no way out, it is too late, it's gone
I donated to charity
I vote
I am vegan (the poor way)
I am on the list as organs donor

But I lost control and can't beat it, i am obsessed by past since my father died
I dont accept the present

Last edited by Gasplessy; Dec 26, 2022 at 11:29 AM..
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Default Dec 26, 2022 at 01:18 PM
  #2
Sending you strength to be kind with yourself. You are alive. You deserve to be happy. It is a work in progress, but all we can do is keep trying to improve and move forward. You are placing a lot of blame and guilt on yourself for things that are likely truly not your fault.

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Default Dec 26, 2022 at 02:34 PM
  #3
I also think you’re blaming yourself harshly.

I don’t think life is as simple as an upward progression whereby we get more mature and responsible as time goes on, I think we can have ups and downs. Doing well then maybe not so well, there can be lots of reasons for this. It doesn’t mean we’re at fault. We’re human, we don’t come with a manual.

I’m so sorry for the loss of your father, it sounds like you’re struggling with this profound loss. Would you like to talk more about this?
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