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Default Jan 23, 2023 at 11:13 AM
  #1
I am finding this book enlightening. The process and emotions described are EXACTLY what I have been describing my experience to be.

If anyone else here has read the book, I’d love to discuss it.

I feel this understanding is really going to help me stop getting triggered and control the compulsive reactions.

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Default Jan 23, 2023 at 12:40 PM
  #2
It is the feeling of being not seen, not heard.

Here is a silly example of what I experience:

I am reading the book in the room with my husband. I read him an interesting point the book made about the role of music. He asked what it meant. I discussed it a minute more. Meanwhile, he was cooking at the stove. I went on to discuss for another minute about the part right after in the book and how it pertained to our problem (him and me together dysfunction). He said nothing, was cooking. I realized I was going on, talking by myself. It was obvious by his lack of response, that he had shut down and was not interested in the conversation, which is about my recovery albeit recovery from a toxic relationship with him. So I said I see he’s not interested and stopped talking. He thought I was angry. I told him I wasn’t. But, he then said that he was silent because he was thinking about the role of music and what that meant. That’s why he didn’t speak. He was stuck on that. I asked if when I was speaking the second time, did he hear me, was he aware I was speaking while he was in deep thought? He said he knew I was speaking but he was thinking of something else- and that I should have known he was thinking. I should have given him more time to respond. I should have asked him if he was thinking. I should not have thought he was disinterested but should have known me was thinking. (Now this gets me upset normally, but not anymore since I understand) I say I see a man cooking who is silent. That behavior signals to me that you are not interested in having a conversation and I am not wrong to get that message. This is gaslighting that he is telling me my perception is wrong when it isn’t. It is his poor communication that is wrong. He is the mind reader who thinks I know he is thinking, good grief!
See this crazy-making paragraph I just wrote? I know how awful it is to even read this!
This little story is an example of how and why I do not feel seen and heard, it is destabilizing having it chronically done to me and gaslit that my perception and emotions are wrong by someone who is communicating in effectively (or just lying and gaslighting because he did not seem interested in talking about our issues and I know that he is not a partner in my recovery, only I am my own champion with a little help from my therapist and you kind souls.
Anyway, I effectively communicated this time without any fighting asking him to please speak up if he is reflecting and to not let me monologue while he tunes me out.

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Default Jan 23, 2023 at 05:03 PM
  #3
I haven't read the book but I hear it is quite good.

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Default Jan 24, 2023 at 07:02 AM
  #4
I read it years ago....excellent!The book that saved my life and sanity: The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans; it helped me get a divorce from a verbal abuse after 31 years..... I know all about "crazy-making" behavior. I was the moderator of an abuse survivor group.

I wrote a paper, Society's Hidden Pandemic, Verbal Abuse;Precursor to Physical abuse and a Form of Biochemical Assault.

The brain can physically change with verbal abuse.
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Default Jan 24, 2023 at 09:22 AM
  #5
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Originally Posted by Marie123 View Post
I read it years ago....excellent!The book that saved my life and sanity: The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans; it helped me get a divorce from a verbal abuse after 31 years..... I know all about "crazy-making" behavior. I was the moderator of an abuse survivor group.

I wrote a paper, Society's Hidden Pandemic, Verbal Abuse;Precursor to Physical abuse and a Form of Biochemical Assault.

The brain can physically change with verbal abuse.
It’s funny, when I first came to this forum, I said in my childhood it was “only” verbal abuse.

I’m half way in to the book so far, and it is using extreme abuse as examples. IME it is a constant series of smaller invalidations and maltreatment. It’s like I keep getting zapped with a bug zapper, and I don’t get myself away from the people because they are some of the closest to me.

I did read The Verbally Abusive Relationship. Yes, I’ve been exposed to that and have to control my own mouth as well. I’m learning to walk away, disengage. It’s really helping my emotional state to leave the conflict and distract myself.

I think, because of the role modeling I had, it subconsciously taught me to have a compulsion to seek it with my partner and engage in it (even though I hated to witness it and vowed I would never be like that).

He was antagonizing yesterday, and I disengaged.

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Default Jan 24, 2023 at 10:21 AM
  #6
Ive read most of her books. In this book, one of her examples was so similar to my life, i got freaked out.
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Default Jan 27, 2023 at 06:20 AM
  #7
Sometimes it’s not so intentional but instead comes from an attention deficit. That is something I have had to deal with and it can be very challenging to deal with. If you don’t understand it’s due to how the other persons brain is wired, it can seem like the other person is not interested in what you are trying to explain.
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Default Jan 27, 2023 at 06:33 PM
  #8
I shared about what has challenged me because I noticed how the trend is to describing people as abusers and toxic because it’s easier to get into that black and white when it may not be intentional manipulation or abuse.

I can definitely get triggered and angry and frustrated because my husband had both ADHD and dyslexia and his presence can feel intrusive and loud and impulsive and impatient. Talking to him about things that bother me can get frustrating because of his impatience and lack of being able to hear me the way I want.

I have also been around individuals that have ADD and their attention is slow and they too can not hear all of what you want. I usually end up making lists and let them go at their pace. It’s not a question of intelligence but instead ability to pay attention the way one expects.

I know for myself that because I have had extreme boundary violations that resulted in trauma and loss that my husbands intrusive loud behaviors can trigger my to react physically and getting my hypervigilant and my body producing cortisol leaving me all wound up and then very tired.
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Default Jan 27, 2023 at 06:43 PM
  #9
Actually, when I first joined this support site I had a habit of using quotes a lot. That was not normal for me to write that way. Yet, it was showing what I was dealing with IRL when it came to communication with individuals having attention deficits.
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Default Jan 30, 2023 at 11:22 AM
  #10
I am finding the book triggering as I read farther. It gives very graphic descriptions of horrendous physical abuse examples. These images, visualized, are repeating on me, kind of upsetting, encroaching into upsetting dreams. My heart goes out to anyone who has endured this kind of abuse. The statistics of how often this happens has shocked me, very upsetting.

I didn’t have physical abuse (just one time really), yet I am as affected as I am, having most of the symptoms described, all due to emotional abuse that has been constant in my life from a small amount of difficult people closest to me.

I feels kind of shameful to me that I am saying that I have these issues (I truly do) when the book only gives very severe examples. I feel like I am overreacting. The book kind of invalidates me because how can I compare my “only” emotional abuse with severe physical abuse.

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Default Jan 30, 2023 at 12:14 PM
  #11
Tisha - maybe emotional abuse is like leaving physical bruises where they won't be seen. Plus i think they are longer lasting.
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Default Jan 30, 2023 at 04:35 PM
  #12
Read that one.It was helpful.
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Default Feb 04, 2023 at 08:58 AM
  #13
The book suggests Neurofeedback therapy and yoga for healing trauma.

My takeaway from the book is that a long-term series of lesser negative experiences (than addressed in the book which speaks to severe abuse) causes trauma reactions on a spectrum. It was enough to really mess me up. Humans are resilient. Healing is possible with positive attitude and effort following experts’ directions.

I never thought I had a life’s mission. It feels really bittersweet now feeling like it has unfortunately become my “purpose”, out of necessity, to heal from trauma.

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Default Feb 04, 2023 at 04:55 PM
  #14
Dear Tisha, and anyone else who might find this pertinent:

Emotional abuse, over years, IMO, is as bad as any other form of abuse, and more insidious. It erodes self confidence, and, left too long, can zap a person's self esteem right into the dust. Physical and outright verbal abuse are bad, too, don't get me wrong. But at least those are nameable, and quantifiable. Emotional abuse is just as evil, and that's partly because it's harder to identify with certainty, and much harder for us to accept it's actually being done to us. It is often committed by the very people we lean on for support and comfort. It's a betrayal of the worst order.

It took me years, literally, to finally realize what was being done to me very coldly and callously by several people in my life. It's no wonder I developed a very bad case of major depression, as well as generalized anxiety disorder. And it's taken me several years to find the right resources to help myself heal from the damage done.

Healing doesn't happen overnight. Little lightbulbs seem to keep going on over my head, the farther I am away from the abusers. I am getting stronger, but it feels like it's at a glacial pace to me. I only feel I've recovered minute, tentative aspects of my former self.

Whatever is responsible for your husband's poor communication skills, and the subsequent way it makes you feel, you have every right to continue to seek support, advice, and healing. From what you say, I feel it might be a combination of things---not just one cause. His attitude, in general, comes across as suspicious, and not genuinely interested in helping you to understand where he's coming from. That's far from ideal, at the very least.

You'll have to do some more educating yourself about emotional abusers and how they truly operate, before you can make the call.

When Is It Emotional Abuse? | Psychology Today Canada
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Default Feb 06, 2023 at 04:54 PM
  #15
Well said Museum Ghost.After moving far away from my abusers,I found myself angrier at my father than I was at my mom.It was so confusing to me because he seldom raised his hand on me. I felt immensely guilty for being angry at him.It has literally taken me years to understand the emotional and psychological cruelty he dished out upon me.My healing didn't commence until I understood his style of abuse which was more damaging to my being.
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Default Feb 07, 2023 at 01:42 PM
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Thanks, Mending. That's often how it goes for people.

As I've mentioned, it's often the kindest and the genuinely nicest people who are the targets of their scorn. They can get away with a lot more, for far longer, when the victim is patient, forgiving, and kind. Psychiatrists theorized they also are such empty people, that they despise those who actually do have a rich inner life, and are truly good human beings. I have taken a lot of comfort from this, in a roundabout way, and long after the fact.

I went through a series of shocks upon realizing what had been deliberately and steadily done to me. Sometimes, I still experience them. I equate them with the aftershocks of an earthquake.

Sadly, many therapists are not well-prepared to give the kind of advice and direction to help people heal, also. If you're lucky enough to have a therapist who can really assist you, you're very fortunate, indeed. With the proliferation of books and helpful videos, one can find help to start the process. Also, the healing happens in stages, so be prepared for that.

Much compassion for you, if this is what you've been through/ are enduring.

Last edited by MuseumGhost; Feb 07, 2023 at 01:57 PM..
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Default Feb 07, 2023 at 03:19 PM
  #17
I am really thankful for the resources I found online.They have been very crucial in understanding the dysfunctional dynamics of my abusers.The process of healing for me has been really very slow and it's going two steps forward and then one step backwards. None the less it has been progressive. Some times just sharing a little snippet of my life triggers an episode of bawling, like just yesterday night.Cried the whole night into my pillow until 5 in the morning. That felt cathartic.
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Default Feb 07, 2023 at 07:04 PM
  #18
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Originally Posted by TishaBuv View Post
I am finding this book enlightening. The process and emotions described are EXACTLY what I have been describing my experience to be.

If anyone else here has read the book, I’d love to discuss it.

I feel this understanding is really going to help me stop getting triggered and control the compulsive reactions.
I haven't read the book as of yet, but I'm sure it'll be helpful for me to read due to the things I've experienced in my life. I'll let you know once I'm done reading it. Did you order it from amazon?
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Default Feb 07, 2023 at 10:30 PM
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Originally Posted by Amethyst_Stargazer View Post
I haven't read the book as of yet, but I'm sure it'll be helpful for me to read due to the things I've experienced in my life. I'll let you know once I'm done reading it. Did you order it from amazon?
I was able to check it out from the library. It’s available on Amazon, too.

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Thumbs up Feb 13, 2023 at 06:59 PM
  #20
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Originally Posted by TishaBuv View Post
I am finding this book enlightening. The process and emotions described are EXACTLY what I have been describing my experience to be.

If anyone else here has read the book, I’d love to discuss it.

I feel this understanding is really going to help me stop getting triggered and control the compulsive reactions.
I am currently looking for this book.

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And life goes on.

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