How to tell the difference?

I posted this somewhere else on the internet and after 3 weeks it has no replies. Maybe here someone will answer me?

How to tell the difference?

I have C-PTSD from childhood abuse and bullying. To this day I can’t tell the difference between abusive cruelty, versus innocent teasing. They look, sound, and feel identical to me.

Also, no matter which category it actually falls into, I know if I speak up, I’m just going to hear, “Oh, quit being so sensitive and grow a sense of humor. I (or he or she) was just messing with you.” It seems to me that “messing with” people IS a form of bullying.

Then there’s people’s tendency to find out something bugs, annoys, or even triggers me, and then they make it a point to do exactly that. To use an unlikely example, let’s suppose I was trampled by a herd of buffalo. Now I do anything from flinch to outright pee on myself every time I see a buffalo. Well, that’s going to be some people’s cue to bring on the buffalo at every opportunity. Some of that may be a misguided attempt at desensitization, but most of the time it’s because they think it’s funny to watch me freak out. Even if I do successfully put a stop to this kind of treatment, now I’ll be ostracized and excluded because I’m no fun.

So in summary, how can I tell if somebody really is just messing with me, or if I’m their verbal and emotional punching bag again?

Hi there,

Sorry for your suffering.

Not having been there to assess the tone and body language of the person 'messing' with you, I cannot adequately answer you. Normally, though, someone might lean in and have a sparkle in their eye, if they're just joking.

Have you ever thought of doing theatre games such as improv? That might help you...

Also you might want to read The Gentle Art of Verbal Self-Defense.

Are you in therapy?

I think a lot of the answer will depend on who is making the remarks, what relationship they are to you, the dynamics of that relationship etc.

For example, if the person is a significant other such as spouse or partner and they are deliberately saying hurtful things to provoke some kind of reaction from you because they enjoy seeing you upset, then that is abusive behaviour. If that significant other is saying things more in a thoughtless way and you don't get the sense they are deliberately trying to hurt you, then that could be classed as innocent teasing.

Do you see the difference? It all depends on context, and without knowing the particulars, very difficult for anyone here to say definitively abusive cruelty or innocent teasing. But I would say think about the person / people who are making the comments, what their relationship is to you and also how important their opinion is to your sense of wellbeing.

I hope that helps a little.

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I am in therapy, and that is a good thing to discuss there, I think.

Part of the reason I can't tell the difference is that even if someone does deliberately say something hurtful, they are always going to claim they were just joking, and I'm too sensitive.

That's called 'gaslighting'.


Stay away from those people... they are cruel and not your friend.