Husband is a lesbian?

I am hoping to have some guidance. I am married for
almost 10 years. Last year my husband told me that he was a woman. He's always been a woman and that he wants to have surgery. He explained that he was a woman before we were married too. He dressed in my clothes and some of his mothers. He claims that his feelings are female too.

One word that stuck with me was when he told me "It
doesn't matter if I am an attractive woman. I need to
be on the outside, what I am on the inside."

He thought that we would still be married and that I
would be ok with a lesbian relationship. I told him I
was not. We went to therapy together and individually
since that time. He even threatened suicide a few times.

During therapy he claims that he wished he never said
anything to me about his feelings and that they were
wrong. He had a troubled childhood and is suffering
from PTSD not gender identity.

I am not sure if this is true. I admit I am
hypersensitive to this issue and worry about my future
with my "husband." He has not been to therapy in over
a month and since his "coming out" we've only had sex
maybe five times. I wondering if this is a bad sign.
I'm thinking it is. This week I have pushed for him
to return to therapy.

I'm not sure if he is now denying that he is a
lesbian. I honestly would rather not stay with him
only for him to "come out again" ten years from now.

Can you offer any insite? Thank you for taking the
time to read this.

well, for starters, welcome to psychcentral! i hope you will like it here, and find the support and caring that you need!

wow, this has to be really hard to deal with. of course you care about him, and probably do want to be with him, right? but i take it you are in no way interested in being in a lesbian relationship. that's pretty complicated stuff to navigate.

i'm wracking my brain trying to think of something helpful to say, but i just don't have anything to say that will help! i think this is one of those situations where you just have to let your own heart and conscious decide what is important and right for you, ya know?

i'm so sorry you're faced with this. i wouldn't want to be in your shoes. ((((hugs)))) <-- only if you want hugs

Angela

Thank you for your welcome. It is an odd situation that I am in and every so often I wonder why me. Other times have trouble believing I am in such a position. He's currently finishing his college degree and is not working. I've been supporting us and slowly slipping into debt. He'll graduate in December which is good but in the meantime, I've been muddling through financially and emotionally.

My heart is confused because prior to his "coming out" our relationship was not the best, especially around sex. We started out as newly weds doing it often. Then it turned into me having to dress up in order to "do it." Then it turned into me having my nipples pierced (which I did for him and kept them in for a few months) and dressing up. Then we would only "do it" when I dressed up. Later, he couldn't perform regardless of how I dressed for him. Now, he does't want me to dress up and we rarely do it. I have to sit him down and force myself on him. He doesn't caual flirt with me either. When I confront him about it, he says he's tired or he will wordsmith the conversation ending up blaming me for not being more amourous or tired etc.

I feel like I am in the show "Married with Children" where I am Peg and my husband is Al. They don't "do it" much and when Peg asks, Al complains.

He was under the impression that everything was ok in our relationship. He wants me to talk to him about it but in the past the therapist told us to only to discuss our problems with her because don't do well at this point discussing such a hot topic together.

I was upset this morning and told him to make an appointment for us with the therapist. I'll get an appointment in a few weeks I'm guessing.

I really don't have anyone to ask about things like this...is this normal for a marriage that has lasted 10 years or is it "gender disorder" or is it a form of him suffering from PTSD?

let me preface by saying that I've never been married and i'm a virgin (i'm only 22), so i don't have a lot of experience in that arena.

i don't know about the nature of the trauma your husband has experienced (and no, i don't expect you to divulge that), so i can't say for sure if it sounds like PTSD or not. i think there is a strong possibility, though.

but a lot of people have problems with lowered sexual desire. generally it stems from relationship problems, i think. (although definitely when a person has been through sexual trauma, it generally becomes an issue in later intimacy. also, some people have physical disabilities that are problematic).

this is not an uncommon problem in marriage, but it isn't "normal" and "healthy" either, you see what i mean? and i do know another couple who had the same issue, with the woman wanting it and the man never wanting it. i know how damaging that can be to your self-esteem particularly because i have seen what she's gone through for years over it.

i think couple's counseling is your best bet. maybe you need a different counselor, though? it doesn't sound like things have resolved much in therapy. am i wrong? also, i don't know if you're aware of it, but there are psychologists who specialize in helping people specifically with sex-related issues. if you can find one of those, that might be a good idea. sometimes they are called "sexologists." but i would reccomend checking credentials because i do know there are people out there with no training who call themselves "sexologists" as well. and finally, if your husband has not had individual therapy for the traumatic experiences in his past, his getting some therapy for that would probably help things out a lot, too.

((hugs)) <-- if you want them

i hope this helps!

Angela

Hi CH:
We used to have a member here who had some confusion about his gender identity. I'll see if I can get ahold of him and ask him if he's interested in logging in and giving you some insight.

Sex 5 times in a month ... actually, that seems about all we can manage considering that life tends to get in the way of that. But regardless of the actual physical act, it sounds like the intimacy is missing as well.

It makes me sad that he regrets 'outing' himself to you. I'm not judging you and don't want to push my personal opinions on you about your situation. All I can say is that if it doesn't feel right to you, then it is good that you are getting help for it. You're not helping him by staying in a marriage that constricts who he feels he is. I'm glad that you're willing to go to therapy about it, and I hope that you can convince him to also go if he wants to save your marriage. You're right to be concerned -- there are quite a few red flags. I only urge you to not judge or criticize him, but instead try to listen to his feelings and not react immediately. If it turns out that you and he do not want the same kind of relationship, then that's fine but I imagine that it must have taken a lot of courage for him to reveal this to you about himself. Whether it's PSTD or gender dysphoria, I'm sure he lives with a lot of turmoil and would appreciate kindness and understanding.

Even if he won't go to therapy with you, I think it would be helpful for you to go anyway. Most people would have a very difficult time dealing with this change in their relationship, and in a way, it's like grieving for a lost future.

Will think of you and send you good vibes,
LMo

It doesn't quite sound like he is a lesbian, he maybe leaning more toward transgender. Has he dated any men since you have been married, if so please get blood testing for HIV also have him tested.

He told her he wanted to be a woman, and in a lesbian relationship with her.

Wow this is a lot for you to deal with, sorry you are in such a situation.

IMHO it sure could be PTSD... and perhaps the "one" who is a woman is one of his dissociative personalities? That would fit with HIS changing his mind about it, or regreting saying that... not everyone who has PTSD has DID, but dissociation is a part of PTSD... so it isn't too far off base...

Yes, I would think that therapy is indicated for your relationship to even find a ground to make decisions upon. Seems to me you both are in a quandary, and if you can hold on to each other through this, you can get THROUGH it.

Good wishes with this, hope my thoughts have helped...

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Thank you everyone for your replies. We have been going to therapy together and alone. I would go about every other month with his therapist and we would discuss our relationship.

I am upset about our lack of intimacy. Sex has never been outstanding but it's the resentment I feel when I ask him to have sex or I start kissing him (other than a peck) and him not responding back. I'm the agressor and he doesn't get "turned on" or tease/flirt me about sex since he came out. Before it was rare but it did happen. If I ask him for a back rub (and I'll do one for him in return) he rolls his eyes in annoyance.

He wants me not to think he is a woman but the lack of intimacy, especially this last year and a half has declined faster. Thinking about it, he was this way about a year or so before he "came out." After a while, I don't bother to ask or try to turn him on. I keep getting shot down.

I've told him about my feelings about intimacy and he said that sex isnt' important to him. This weekend he did grab me once and hold me. I'm guessing that's his way of showing intimacy based on our discussion. I said that I like that he touched me and held me. He talks to me all cheery as if nothing is wrong.

I'll be going to the therapist with him on Thursday. I will bring this up in detail hoping to figure something out for both of us. I wonder if I am asking too much out of the relationship. I did take the vow "for better or for worse" and I meant it and I know that if I am not giving it my all in a postive manner, than I'm not helping him through his troubles.

I mean, I can have a comfortable life financially with him and we do get along except for the lack of sex and intimacy.

Wow. His gender issues or possible PSTD diagnosis aside, do you really want to spend the rest of your life in a relationship like this? Sex and intimacy are a huge part of a successful relationship. Sounds to me that he has some resentment built up against you, and naturally yours is probably growing as well. I agree with the 'for better or for worse' and I take the marriage commitment seriously, but only so far as my partner is committed to me. The problem with 'better or for worse' is that it obligates the committed partner to keep on trying even after the noncommitted partner has stopped. I've made that mistake once already and don't recommend that others do the same.

And you know what? I can recall my ex-husband saying the same thing about him being a lesbian. I didn't really take it seriously -- I attributed it to him trying to say that he identified more with women's feelings than with men's. He wasn't the typical Man's Man. He also had the same intimacy problems and emotional wall that your husband does. He also eventually dumped me. So, that's where I'm coming from. Hopefully your situation has some improvements.