THIS IS A NIGHTMARE -- LITERALLY!

My greatest problem with PTSD is the nightmares I have had virtually every single evening for the past 14 years.

They generally leave me paralyzed and retraumatized both mentally and physically, where the excess trauma is somatized. At times, my brain chemistry — already in shambles — is completely discombobulated and I suffer for days, even weeks, at a time.

This is where I am currently at. It’s been a week straight since I have functioned. My mind is a mess and my body is hurting as well. It seems everything I do makes it worse. So I end up staying in bed for the most part crippled by this ungodly disease.

After a fews days, I fell into depression — which is the natural response to trauma. But since I am on two anti-depressants, so I don’t go all the way down like I used to. But it just makes things worse.

I feel pissed off. I have always gotten angry when this happens. I have never had an easy time accepting my emotional maladies. I feel like a real victim. It’s not outside problems that I can take action to repair. I had no say say over this Cancer.
I have done everything I could to heal from this condition. I’ve been in therapy for years, take medication, stopped drinking and smoking weed, tried all sorts of techniques — both conventional and alternative — with little results.

I practice Yoga and deep breathing which helps me when my brain chemistry is in tact, but is useless when it is not.

I know that feeling. I also have the same dream over and over. I know the anger at the disease. I hate this disease. I write down my anger toward it and give it to my therapists. It helps sometimes.

im sorry, i really hope that luck will be on your side soon and you will at least get a break for a little while from all of this.