Visiting

Possible trigger, just in case.


...

Not much to say, I'll type more later, but visiting my half-brother in jail today so please keep me in your thoughts and hope everything goes well for me.

fingers and toes crossed

Trigger warning.

So I visited him earlier.

I apologized to him. This whole blame thing drives me crazy. I said sorry and all he did was laugh at first, that cruel, mocking laugh showing that he doesn't give a ^$%! and he's still proud of himself that he has completely ruined his little brother forever. The laugh he used to laugh when he'd hurt he, violate me... the laugh that echoes in my head as I write this.

I asked him why he did it. What drove him to do it.
He said it was because I was stupid, because I deserved it.

I asked him what his childhood was like. He's my half-brother, his mum left dad when she was pregnant with him.
He said it was fine, he was never hurt. His mum was well off while she was alive, he had great grades, lots of friends. Is it wrong I almost wanted him to say something bad happened in his childhood? At least it would provide some justification to what he did to me if he had said something horrific had happened. I never wish bad on a childhood but if he had said something it would have at least given me something to say, "I bet that's why he hurt me for so long."

The only justification is I'm a worthless &^#& and that's how I deserve to be treated.

He said he had heard Vlad died- but he wasn't sorry. He said I was probably a lousy father.

&^**%*^&^(. Triggered right now. Feel awful. They'd all be better off without me.

Someone sit with me please.
I hate asking for help or support but I need.

I am sitting with you.

I'm sorry your brother has hurt you again. I hope one day you will reliase that you don't have the problem but he does.

You see Griffe, your brother has no one who love him but you do. You have your g/f, your children, all of us here at PC and a whole life in front of you to make new good friends who will also love you.

There is people in this world who knows how to give and share love not everyone is mean and abusive. Put some distance between these abusive people and fly away my friend. Fly towards kindness.

I care ((((((((((Griffe))))))))))

((( JG )))

Just feel so alone right now, no one to talk to, friend is out, not in the same city as my GF right now. Seeing the memories over and over again and feeling it... &$)& I can't do this.



At least the knife & some pills would stop this... can't do this at all. They WOULD be better without me.

Sorry.

There was a few times when I did think that people would be better off without me but as time when by I reliased that this wasn't true. I would leave a void in some people's heart that would never heal just like your son left a void in your heart.

It's hard, so very hard to deal with abuse and PTSD. I am on that road too.

Fight my friend. Fight and I will fight beside you. Like warriors we will conquer.

(((((((((((((((Griffe))))))))))))))))

((((((((((GRIFFE))))))))))
I am here too. I'm so sorry that you don't have any real reason for what he did to you. I know what you mean when you talk about it.
I do the same thing.

You can do it...you can fight!!!

Sitting by your side,
BJ

(( JG )) + (( BJ ))


I guess it would leave a void, but maybe a void that could be healed with someone bunch better then me, whom they would deserve instead of a stupid worthless person like me.

Feeling so... ugh. No words for that without swearing. I'd go sit in support but I don't matter enough & it would be a waste of time.

Shouldn't have visited him, should have known I'd feel like &%)^. Flashbacks and I just wish I could go back in time and change them, stop myself from feeling this and seeing it happen again and again.

Does it ever stop because I don't think it does. I'm waving a white flag, I want to give up, but it'll always be here haunting me.

griffe
Is there someone there with you?
remember self care
giving up is not the answer
can you call a friend?
Or your Dr?
we are all here with you
But maybe more is needed?
stay safe
muffy

Staying with a friend who is out and will probably come back at 5 AM.
I'm in a different city from where I live, so not with my GF.
It's getting late and my doctor is probably enjoying time at home + I'm not in the same city as him.
Don't like calling people at night (nor would I want to bother anyone).
Most of my friends in this city will be out right now.

So, no, I'm completely alone.

<font color="purple">Just because nothing bad happened to him doesn't mean he's seriously messed up in the head. It's not okay for him to abuse you, it never was. And yeah, he is a lousy father too because he didn't even care when his own son died. His "justification" would be that he's sick. Really sick. But in the end, no amount of justification could make what he did any better in my opinion. You're a GREAT person Griffe, and NOBODY deserves to be treated the way you were.

So, maybe you don't matter to him, so, maybe you have really lousy friends.. but you also matter to alot of people, I'm sure to the people you love, like your girlfriend, that you're their world, to your friends here at PC...well gosh, I've never even met you- but you're like a good friend to me, like a brother. If you were gone, it'd just...be too sad for words.
</font>

its sad that you appear to have a lack of IRL support Griffe.. sometimes tho we try, PC is not the cure all we would like for it to be... please provide the best hopes of healing for yourself by finding and applying as many forms of support as you are able.. as always, wishing the best for you

((((((((Griffe))))))))))

I'm sitting with you friend,
Everyone here on PC cares very much, never forget that.
If you where to disapear I would be very sad and so would your girlfriend and a bunch more people IRL and so would everyone here on PC.
You didn't deserve all of that abuse, you never did and you never will.

Sending lots of hugs and safe thoughts

Silver

Eh, took too many painkillers last night and now I feel like &$%!. Whatever, don't matter, at least GF and kids are coming here soonish and I talked to her on the phone this morning.

Keep hearing his stupid voice in my head... over and over again... probably deserve to because I was stupid enough to visit him and apologize to him. I feel like a coward for still being scared of him. locked the doors and scared as hell that he'll suddenly break out of jail and burst into my room and hurt me all over again.

Does it ever end? Is there ever recovery?
I'll never be safe.
I hate this. I &^$#@ing hate this and I hate life and I hate that this all happened. Why can't I just curl up into a ball and go away forever?

((((((Griffe))))))

I'm glad you girlfriend and your kids are coming soon.
Sitting with you
Feel free to pm me if you want to.

Hugs-Angel

(( Silver )) + (( Angel ))
TY

I guess it's because it's night again I come to the sad realization I'm alone & have no one to talk to. Too scared to PM anyone, phone anyone, or sit in support.

Stupid me. Always feel like &^$# at night and knowing where my friend hides his drugs doesn't help.