[iamtwilight]

...and i'm not fooling around

i am twilight, and i exhibit the classic symptoms of post-traumatic stress disoder.

though i'm not sure if it's ptsd if you're still experiencing trauma? (mods - feel free to move this to whatever forum is suitable - my raging eyes might not be able to see)

I Am Stark Raving Mad - and i warn you - this is mostly stream of consciousness. be in a good place if you intend to read will probably mention SI, whatever, wanting to kill people, anything you could imagine

repeat- be in a good place.



well it makes me mad anyhow. i've been in the eye of perpetual anxiety for two days now, i'm boiling inside, angry, bitter, anything you can think of.

and all these stupid kids going to shoot their classmates and burn classes up, god.... IT'S A FRICKIN JOKE. i guess it's getting more and more fashionable to protest violently. they call it MISANTHROPY. hate for the human race. yet they could choose that they want to kill their peers. how narrow-minded.

personally i also hate the human race, but i have never planned on going to shoot people. because a) people with guns look ridiculous and b) i'd want people to wake up from their coma and stop paying attention to stuff that doesn't matter... the stuff that keeps them from living their lives.

i'm a great fan of the saw movies, and in the second movie the character amanda young says:

By creating a legacy, by living a life worth remembering, you become immortal.

i wonder if the pathetic alcoholic pig (yes, a big fat ugly pig - though i do find the animal pigs cute - no offence to pig lovers intended) i call my father has had a life worth remembering. i wonder if any of the "friends" i knew have had a life worth remembering. well, father did travel a lot, through siberia, china, south america in his better days... met mother during his travels.

now he just drinks and hurts mother and me. calls us w****s. i'd like to ask if he was gay because he resents the female sex so. and it makes me mad because I AM NOT FEMALE. i may have the anatomy of a female but inside i am neither. and that's the way i like it. it is narrow-minded to think people are just "female" or "male" and that males just think of sex and women just think think think.

dang i'm supposed to be calling the social security office in a few and i bet they aren't going to help me with my problem because this is a small town and all the inhabitants are nazis who think i'm a filipina w***e like my mom but MOTHER IS NOT LIKE THAT. she married father respectably. they married out of love.

i will yell that at the office lady if she won't help.

and i, of course, do not belong to any race. i may have darker skin and black hair and crap, and even when i go to asia, i'm "exotic", and when i go back "home" to europe they throw stones at me because i'm "exotic".

i just don't fit into this society's standards and that's why i've got to take antipsychotics and go to that psych nurse who doesn't understand crap and thinks everything i say is psychotic. oh god don't they see that the way people have treated me all my life has left me scarred?

and some people still keep picking on scabs and make the wounds bleed.



i'm screaming. the other night i had a very vivid flashback, almost like a hallucination, but i knew it wasn't a hallucination, and i was whispering angrily to my partner, i'll kill that motherf-er one day, i don't know how yet, but i tell you, i will do it one beautiful day... well, he is already committing a very slow suicide himself. partner said it ain't worth it... it's gonna be ok once we move out - as if him being away from sight would take him off my mind. no, no, no. never gonna happen. he is going to keep calling me, the dreams and flashbacks will haunt me.

for those interested - i know some will ask - i'm not in psychotherapy. i do see a psych nurse but apparently she could care less. i told her i don't remember any trauma, in fact i hardly remember anything from my childhood - and she said, that is good. see what i meant about her not understanding?

i suppose schizophrenia will become the new trend diagnosis.

when i said i hate the whole human race, i didn't quite mean it. i do have some space in my heart for at least my partner (though he does get on my nerves nowadays) and my platonic friend (i've got only one real life friend) and i do like everyone here at PC because everyone here is so compassionate.

i just want... that people woke up from their coma. soon we will be performing public hangings, public ritual abuse, like back in the "good old days". and we'll laugh at the brutal things. what is that?

if kids shooting kids at school is tragic, isn't war tragic?

the world's a mess and i am sick of it.

i don't want to play this game.

thanks for listening,
twilight

[EDIT] no, i'm not going to kill him, or myself. if i killed myself, he'd get what he wants. i'm not going to do that. i'll be good for now.

[pachyderm]

Originally Posted by iamtwilight

i just don't fit into this society's standards...

You have company.

[iamtwilight]

oh man, wow. ;D

[Sannah]

Hi Twilight, I am sorry that you are angry and in distress..... I have always noticed that people who get really angry at the injustice in the outside world are really transferring their anger in their personal world to this outer place. I know, I hate violence and injustice too. Your dad still makes you angry every day I'll bet. You have been treated differently because you look different? I'll be you are beautiful.....

[(JD)]

Flashbacks are torture all over again. You need a therapist who specializes in PTSD. This doesn't get better - YOU won't begin to heal without help. Don't slight the nurse, many doctors don't even fully understand PTSD, and many who do won't treat it because it's so frustrating and at time infuriating (if they let it.)

The rage within won't quench itself, but feed on all the negative thoughts and memories your depression can dredge up. I'm so sorry you are hurting.

[iamtwilight]

thanks to all of you.

flashbacks indeed are torture... i wonder if lobotomy could do the trick. (just kidding)

i know i need a therapist. i want one real bad too. but i can't afford one right now, and there are other things i need to work on. sigh... everything must always be so complicated.

thanks for your support. thanks for listening to the person blowing fire out of their mouth.

twilight