This is a question about recovering from rape, so if that is a trigger for you, please, PLEASE don't read it. I don't want to trigger anyone, and can't figure out where to post this.


I was raped very violently in my late teens. I certainly could have been killed, but my rapist chose not to go that far, I guess.

I never planned on talking about this in therapy. I went to therapy to deal with the PTSD from all of the childhood crap. But for some reason I brought it up in an early session, and now it keeps coming back up.

I DO NOT WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT. The times we have talked about it, I have dissociated, had flashbacks, felt really out of control and not in the room at all. But there is a part of me that still brings it up occasionally.

It is on my mind today. It's part of why I am running, running, running all the time, I think. I don't want to think about it, feel about it, talk about it, remember it. I remember WATCHING IT HAPPEN from another part of the room. That perspective is fine for me. I don't like it when I am the person on the bed...and I don't go there on purpose, but it has happened in a flashback twice and it's hard and it's scary and it hurts.

I wrote a bit about it today. I hate that I am not over it. I don't want to have to do therapy about it. I JUST WANT IT TO GO AWAY. I WANT IT TO BE GONE.

T says that I will have power over it someday instead of it having power over me. Is that true? Please, someone tell me how you got power back, and how long it took. I am hating myself right now - HATING MYSELF - because it's still there, and I DON'T WANT IT.

T is right. We are preoccupied with the trauma because we are unconsciously trying to work it all out so we can gain control over the situation and take our power back.

T had me do this after I was stuck in flashback mode and was obsessed with one particular issue. After I was done talking about it, she asked "How can we change the outcome? What would you do about it now if you could."

I rescued the little girl, then I kicked the crap out of the guy. It's not an absolute fix, but it is the beginning.

If I had to answer your post in one word I would say "TIME."

Originally Posted by Orange_Blossom

I rescued the little girl, then I kicked the crap out of the guy. It's not an absolute fix, but it is the beginning.

(((((((((((((((((((((orange blossom))))))))))))))))))))))

Once when I was in flashback mode, T and I talked about something that happened to me when I was very young -like 6 or so. The small part of me asked T what he would have done if HE had been there....and he told me. We went over it in great detail, over and over again...how he would have taken care of little me, how he would have kicked the crap out of the guy (without even putting his coat on first before he went out in the snow to go down the street to his house), how he would have taken me to the doctor and never left my side, how he would have stayed with me, every day, until I felt safe again. It was so, so, so healing. But of course, that was T, not me...but it still made me feel better, like that 6 year old me was worth taking care of and looking after and helping.

Your post reminded me of that. Except when this happened I was 19, so maybe I will have to go back and kick his butt myself. But I can't. He's big and scary and I'm not that big and I don't think I can do it. Maybe T can help me.

Thanks for your response, OrangeBlossom. It helped.

But,TIME! Blah. I hate that part

Yes, T did that rescue thing with me too, long before I could do it myself. But the adult me really beat the guy up only after I got my small self to safety. You are in the HARDEST part of recovery. Just try real hard to believe that it won't last forever.

[Capp]

((earthmama))
truly you are in one of the hardest parts of the healing process...
jme, but I gained power over my rapes by talking about them even when I was nearly wetting myself from fear and anger.

again, jme, but I don't think we get "over it." we face it, find strength in our ability to survive, relearn to love ourselves again, and Stand Tall.
it's not easy to do but worth every tear we shed and every fear we dissolve.

yeah, I hate that four letter word--time. but we don't jump from turmoil into a measure of peace. we take one itty-bitty step at a time.
we care
Cap

[multipixie9]

dear em,

a new member quoted kahlil gibran in her signature and it relates to where you are now:

"many of us spend our whole lives running from the feeling, with the mistaken belief that we cannot bear the pain. but you have already borne the pain. what you have not done is feel all that you are beyond the pain."

you have survived this hideous abuse already and it will never be worse than it already was and you got through it.

you will heal. you are healing now and it will continue to get better. give yourself the benefit of the doubt, even though you feel weak and hurting now - IT WILL NOT STAY LIKE THIS FOREVER, I PROMISE!!!

i can promise this because i am doing this kind of work too and bit by bit getting better all the time. it is easier for me to remind you than to remind me when it happens to me. that is why we are so good for each other. strategic reminders are a gift we give each other. hugs and more gentle hugs!!!!

leslie and her pixie pals----->earthmama !!!!

[CedarS]

Originally Posted by Orange_Blossom

T is right. We are preoccupied with the trauma because we are unconsciously trying to work it all out so we can gain control over the situation and take our power back.

T had me do this after I was stuck in flashback mode and was obsessed with one particular issue. After I was done talking about it, she asked "How can we change the outcome? What would you do about it now if you could."

I rescued the little girl, then I kicked the crap out of the guy. It's not an absolute fix, but it is the beginning.

If I had to answer your post in one word I would say "TIME."

This is very true for me also.

I use this for nightmares too, before I fully wake up I go back into the nightmare and change the story to one where I gain control of the situation and take my power back.

Time has also helped me immensely.

((((((((((((((((((((((((everyone))))))))))))))))))))

Thank you for your thoughtful and caring replies. I guess it gives me some hope to know that others have talked and survived. I have T tomorrow.

I asked T today on the phone how long this was going to last- how long it would take before *I* had the power. He said he didn't know, but that it is happening. And I had a realization and told him "I'm going to have to be willing to go through it first though" - it was such an "a-ha" moment that seems SO obvious, but I just wasn't getting it. I just want it gone, but I guess that's not how it works.

I'm scared...like just crazy, out of my mind scared....but grateful for the hope I've found here.

Think of it like walking across hot coals. You are halfway through and you realize how hot they are. You can turn around and run back and try again some other time, or just run like hell towards the "other side" where you can stick your feet in the nice, cool water.

[Mouse_]

((EM)) Thanks for starting this thread, I think there are a lot of useful replys to your post, I'm sorry your struggling so much at this time, I do know that struggle

[Typo]

((((((((((((((Earthmama)))))))))))))))))))))

Always here for you, I wish I had more to say, except I care very much about you and I am here anytime you need to talk

Lots and Lots of Love
Sparrow

[Perna]

One thing that helped me enormously is taking all of us into therapy with me? :-) Remembering other people's stories and that they've gone through similar things and we're all part of a caring group like PC and thinking about what they did and what worked for them, that was one of the best things that happened to me; being able to be braver because I felt surrounded by my online friends.

[theama]

I confronted my traumas head on. I re-lived every one of them detail by detail, and I made myself admit that it wasn't my fault. And I kept doing it until I had CONVINCED myself that it wasn't my fault and that there was nothing I could have done differently, and that I did the right thing.
That's how I got my power back. It took me seven years of denying it and screwing up my life before I realized that I had to.

One still holds power over me (there are many different abusers), and that's because I still have that bed and I sleep in it every night, and I also have contact with the abuser because he has something that I need. I want to scream at him "RAPIST!!!!" and make him admit that he did rape me, and I'd like to burn the bed and get a new one - but I can't afford it.

But I took the power away from four abusers, and that's good enough for now. x.x

I wish you the best of luck, I know how hard and painful it is.

I have T in 1 hour. I know I need to talk about the rape. I know it, I can feel it pushing at me. I've been online this afternoon looking for my rapist (I think I know his name) and I have no idea why. I'm making myself crazy with fear.

I like what Perna said about taking PC with me...it does help to read what other people have done, how they have made it through.

I feel scared and small. My palms are sweating. I know the only way out is through, I tell people that all the time, and I believe it. AND I WANT OUT. But I know talking about it "today" won't end it, it's just a step. And ripping it open feels dangerous and awful.

Blah. I don't even know what else to say.

You are cleansing a deep wound, EM. Of course you're hurting and scared. You will be spinning for days about this but it will be okay in the long run. PM if you want/need to.

[Capp]

((em))
just wanted to check in and see if you are all right...
We do care

you said, "I know the only way out is through..."
there have been times when this saying has helped me"
"If you are going through hell, keep going. Crawling is all right, too." and there were times when crawling took a tremendous effort on my part.
This was one time I was not going to do the one step forward/two step back--I was getting out of that particular hell any way I could.

Peace and Power to You
Cap
You will feel that power within you...

[phoenix7]

Hi Earthmama,

If you have to hate someone hate the abusers not you - it makes me so angry that people are out there hurting others and damaging them - I wish I could put them all on an island in the middle of a shrakinfested sea and tell them they had to swim to get out of there!

I was often scared when I went to therapy - knowing that i was going to have to talk about things that i just wanted to forget - that i just wanted to be over and done with - but they keep coming back (that's what I found anyway) until you deal with them - you sound like you have a good therapist - i am glad of that for you - that helps a lot - I saw the staff psyche yesterday and had to walk for 10 mins before because i was too scared to go in - I think they understand this - tell hyour T exactly how you are feeling - I think the T's office should be a safe zone where you can say what you truly feel no matter how stupid or mad it sounds - you are cleaning all the crap out of your wound and allowing the healing to begin - you can do this - we are with you.

I can see it hurts so bad at the moment but things can get better - hang in there - we are all thinking of you P7

I survived. My session was at 6, and ran over, so I guess it ended 45 minutes ago. I am still shaking.

T sat with me, and I totally went back there. I can only remember bits and pieces.

My eyes were closed and I was sort of drifty and T said at one point for me to listen to his voice VERY closely. So I made myself focus. He had me picture myself walking out of the room. He knows the room well, because I've drawn it for him and described it, and he told me all of the things I was walking by on the way out, all of the things I was leaving behind in the room. He had me put my hand on the doorknob and open the door and go into the hall, where he was waiting for me. I told him I wanted him to go back into the room and he said he would but I had to close the door first. So, I closed the door, and then T went back in and promised he'd be back. He told me the things he said to the rapist...and then he came back out in the hall with me. He asked what we should do now. I wanted to build a big brick wall over the door...so T described us, me on the right, him on left, with mortar between us and each with a pile of bricks and we built the wall. With the rapist on the inside, and me on the outside, WITH T.

It did help. I still feel scared and kind of sick. I feel like I should have fought harder..like gouged out his eyes or something...but T said then he really MIGHT have killed me. He told me I did what I had to do to survive, and that I survived.

I am going to the bookstore with one of my sons. I just need to keep moving until all of this settles down. I still don't feel very okay, actually, which makes me feel like I'm not doing a good job. But I am trying.

Thanks for listening, and for supporting me. I tend to stay away from the PTSD board because of triggers, but I hope that someday I'll be healed enough to be able to come here and support everyone else.

In the meantime...

[multipixie9]

(((((((EM)))))))

i am proud of you. it was so scary and yet you did it. in time i think a sense of release will come to you and it will settle out inside of you - my hope is sooner rather than later! bravery is action in the midst of fear and you were brave. hugs,

leslie

[miopia]

Hey there. I have only been dated raped--not pleasant, but not fun. I've been assaulted too and that would have been a gang rape, but I screamed loudly and long. The guys were scared off. So, I do not have to cope with memories of terrible violence as you experienced.

For me, "the best way out was through." In other words, I dealt with the experiences head-on with a counselor. Have had two great counselors in the past. One was a rape crisis counselor at the YWCA. It's not pleasant. It's not pleasant going to the dentist either. I wanted to do this. In the assault by strangers my head was really screwed up and I knew I had to go. Leaving the session was the most difficult part. Having to go back to everyday life when I'd been dealing with this trauma that brings up so much emotion. It's been years. I still get triggered. I think that always will be with me.
If you can't go, then maybe "Time heals all wounds." There are so many rape survivors. Maybe group therapy?Hang in there. I think if you accept that you are forever changed, when you are triggered, "oh, it's that again. It'll pass." Like a storm. It is never all the way gone. Sorry.

[phoenix7]

Hi Earthmama,

COngrats on putting your guy behind the door and walling him up! I think you have been very brave, I hope things continue to get better for you - you sound like you are making progress - every step may hurt but its a step further away from what happened and closer to healing - take care P7