PPD...The Battle I Won...Or At Least Survived

I would agree that PPD is one of the worst mental illnesses to go through. Mine may have been different from other's, because my PTSD all of a sudden came on full strength then. My son is the product of a rape so that made it all worse. Plus I was living with my father, my original abuser (who was laid off a few weeks after my son was born, so that was complete hell, bc he never left the house!) and I had no support or friends around. It's amazing that I survived it and my son is such a happy and sweet little boy.

When I had PPD, I stayed locked in my room with my son all day. He was breastfed, so it was okay (kind of, of course I would have been much happier if I had gotten out and about). There were times I had problems getting him to eat and times I was too tired or wanted to smoke and just got frustrated, because I couldn't figure out what he wanted. I was too exhausted I was trying to take care of a baby all by myself and I wouldn't let anyone else watch him, I was too scared (I'm still the same way, probably worse now). But then, I had to set him in his crib and let him cry at times and go outside for a minute and breathe. I could always still hear him cry outside. But at those times I felt violent. I wanted to hurt someone. Not exactly my son, but my son's blood father or my father, since I couldn't hurt those people, anything or anyone would have done, because those feelings were so intense. Even going outside for those few minutes sometimes didn't help. It was true I needed a break from my son, but I thought that fear and anxiety from someone else watching him would have been so much worse. I cried a lot, very easily. I watched a lot of TV. Mostly the disney channel, nick, and A&E. After a few months, I started watching 48 hours and Steve Wilkos which freaked me out even more about people. I already knew what people could do to kids and to me. Combined with those intense feelings in PPD and my hypervigilent PTSD, I could hardly move the shades on the window, don't talk about leaving the house.

Backtrack, I went to see a nurse about it about 4 weeks postpartum. The first asked me if I wanted to give my son up for adoption. She also thought I wanted to kill my son, which made me feel terrible someone would think that, but she gave me medication and I went back to see another nurse the next week, and another the week after that, and then another for my 6th week appointment (my doc i saw when I was pregnant was out of town this whole time, so this nurse didn't give me a physical at my 6th week appointment, which really freaked me out, because I had problems with my platelets, and had bleeding kidneys or something, blood in the urine, while I was pregnant, and I was still bleeding a lot from the birth at the time.) The second to last nurse I saw was very sweet though, she asked me if I loved my son and I said yes and so she didn't ask if I wanted to adopt him out or anything and she prayed for us and gave me a hug.

After my 6 week appointment, my Medicaid benefits were cut off, because I was past the "postpartum phase". So I could no longer go to see the doctor or get my prescription. I was so mad at DHS. So I had to reapply. I only got back on three months later and then a month later they took me off again for no reason. I haven't had any medication since then. But I did see a counselor for four weeks while I was visiting my mom out-of-state. I trust my mom with my son at least. But I still had a panic attack when I left him with her for hour to see a therapist for mine and my son's own good.

After I stopped breastfeeding him when he was 12 months old, I felt so much better! It was a relief. I had to give him strawberry and chocolate flavored formula just to wean him, he would have refused it otherwise. But for a long time before that I was wanting to hurt him when he ate, because I was feeling so violated. Sometimes, while I was visiting my mother I gave him soy milk or juice instead, but he didn't like the baby food, so that wasn't enough for him. I couldn't afford to buy him formula, I had gotten it on WIC and saved it at my father's house states away, because my son wouldn't take it after he was 2 1/2 months old. So I tried to start him on it as soon as I could.

My son is quite happy and healthy now at 18 months old. I'm trying to be the best parent I can be. I still struggle with everything else. But now I can deal with my emotions much more easily since they aren't so intense and out-of-control. But no matter what, my son doesn't know about our financial problems or whatever else, all he sees is whats in front of him and at least he knows he's loved and cared for.

Please, if you think you or anyone you know has PPD or ever feel this way in the future, it's not your or your loved one's fault. You're not a bad parent if you feel like this. It doesn't mean that you don't love your baby. It's mostly because your hormones go so crazy after you give birth. What truly makes the difference, is letting go of your pride or whatever negative thing you or someone else is saying about PPD, to make you or that other person not want to admit you may have it. You have to let it go, you have to get help. You asking for help is what makes you a good parent. You asking for help shows that you do truly love your baby. You have to get better for your child, because your child wants his/her mommy to be happy.

Thank you for sharing this with us

Thanks for sharing your struggles. Thanks for getting help and thanks for being the best mom you can be.

I was diagnosed with PPD after the birth of my daughter four years ago. Eventually I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder and PTSD. Thank you for sharing your story. You shared it so beautifully. Bless you!