Hi there

Well, I am new here and I'm not really sure what to say, so I'm just going to talk a little about myself and why I am here. I've suffered from depression since I was a child, that is, almost thirty years ago. I've had treatment with a number of psychologists, but I never saw any improvement, and tended to stop shortly after starting. After my daughter was born, I had a severe crisis, and I haven't really recovered from it ever since. It's been ups and downs, all the time. Lately there have been more downs than ups, and I've been taking my treatment more seriously. I've been trying all different sorts of medication and I've found a psychologist I really like. Still, for the first time in my life, I've really considered, seriously, the possibility of committing suicide, and that's really scary. Even more so because, as my psychologist and my psychiatrist both appeal to the fact that I have a child and can't abandon her, I've already had thoughts of ending her life before ending mine. I'm really desperate, and don't know what to do...

I just came across your post and realize you wrote at the beginning of the month. May my words encourage you to do what you can to work with your hormones in this delicate time. I, too, had postpartum depression and thought of suicide. As I was on my knees, I felt an overpowering sense of hope as if God was telling me things would work out in time. That was in 1970; my son is 41 and is a joy to me.

Over the years I have felt so guilty about my PPD until recently when the disorder was named and meds offered. I learned many things in thereapy: my homelife before becoming a mother was greatly abusive. I thought I could just get married and snap out of it. When our son was born, the responsibility lay heavy. Overwhelmed is more like it. I didn't know how to ask for help, and instead tried to over prove my motherhood dedication, and ended up feeling numb inside as if I were dead but still in pain.

I didn't know then that I was overwhelmed from being my mother's "mother" (she is paranoid schizophrenic) all my life and when the real baby came along, I transferred those same feelings to our child. I didn't interact with my child like I wanted to but didn't know how from the inside out. He was not abused in the regular sense, just born to a mama who would eventually seek the help she needed. He and I are close in a good type of way: open and honest and celebrate the changes I (and our family) have made. It makes sense now--I have chronic PTSD and OCD related to my mother's schizophrenia. For my own sanity and that of my family, I stay away from the core family "triggers" and hang out with healthier ones.

Ending your child's life is not the answer. Ending your depression is and with proper help, meds and time, you can carve out a healthier life for yourself that you and your child will be pleased with. Protect your child's life even if it means adoption. In time, you will find out how to protect your own life with help from those who understand the neurobiology of PPD better than you can right now because you are in the depths of the depression.

I am so sorry this didn't get to you earlier. Please let me help if I can. I understand the feelings of PPD--and the other side. From childhood on, I never thought I'd live past 40 because I was so sickly and miserable. Years later I found out I had Celiac disease, changed diets and felt a lot better. I also got help for my background problems, etc. and life eventually turned around. I am a mother of four grown kids, and a grandmother who is no longer depressed and happy that my life continued, so I could arrive at this totally contented place.

There is much HOPE. Susan Quinn

Hi STef, and hi Susan,

Just wanted to say I read both your posts and they both sound exactly like me, too, and what I went through.

I was also a "mother" to my own mother, but didn't discover this until I had my own child, she's now almost 18, and the light of my life. I have become a great mother to my daughter, and, in the process, I've become a great mother to myself as well, because my own real mother was very dependent on me.

I had bad moments when I was first getting diagnosed, and trying to look after my child and husband as well. I tried a few therapists, then I found one that "clicked". I also found out that my family has a history of severe depression (no-one had ever told me) and I tried 3 anti-depressants until Zoloft helped me restore some much-needed serotonin in my brain.

Stef, I had some very low points when my baby was tiny. I remember having similar thoughts as you are. However, I just hung in there, and some days were shockers, others were ok, then after a while of seeing a good therapist and taking the right meds, I started to have the occasional glimpse of sunshine. It took a long time, but I was determined to do whatever it took to get better.
I also lost contact with my parents and brothers at this time, they were a toxic influence in my life. One brother was and is particularly supportive and we remain close. The others, well I see them occasionally but we are not close. I will never forgive my mother, in particular, for the way she treated me.
It's rough, having to be a mother to your child, and to yourself, at the same time. And often your own mother is demanding that you look after her as well. You have to draw some boundaries in order to survive.
I wish you all the best, Stef, I used to tell myself, "sometimes life is just the art of hanging in there". And my doctor used to say "two steps forward, one step back, you'll get there in the end".
I'm still on Zoloft, and joined this forum because I was having a rough time before Christmas. It's like any other illness, managing depression, but you can do it, remember it's the illness making you have strange thoughts, it's not you, it's the illness and it can be treated.
Very best wishes to you. Let us know how you go.