Lost a piece of my life 5 years ago.

Today is my little girls birthday. She is 5 years old. She is a beautyful, healthy, blond haired blue eyed cuttie. But I suffered from postpartum depression when she was born. I feel like I missed so much because I was not well. I had her after my boys were older. Not way older but 8 and 10. My H and I were not getting along so he didn't support the pregnancy. Then it turned out to be a little girl. I was alone and scared. When the baby got here I was even more alone and scared. I dreaded night fall. She had colic and cryed all the time. We went threw 3 vibrating bouncers in 9 mo. and burnt up the motors in 2 swings. But they did help.

I should have remembered this sweet little baby. I should remember her sleeping and yawning and doing the things babys do. Instead I remember dressing her like a boy just so I could deal with another baby. She had a name on her birth certificate but I called her baby, the baby , that baby like she had no name. It hurts me to this day to know I could not love her enough to even call her by her name. I was left at home with 3 kids and a colic baby and no one would believe she had colic. My H was insensitive and would not help. He would burst into the room and wake her up. All I could do was set and cry while she cryed. Even when she was not crying I would cry.

Eventually I got on Zoloft. That helped so much but after talking to the T she told me she was so suprised they gave me that because I didn't have just postpartum depression I had severe depression as well and panic attacks on top of that. But the dosage was increased so quickly that it did end up doing the trick. I don't remember anything good about my baby until she was 6-8 mo. old. I just lost so much time. Now that time is gone and like I said it hurts me still today 5 years later to know I delayed medication and missed that part of my baby's life.

So in hind sight if you think you have postpartum depression seek help right away. You can never get back the time you miss with a new baby. Any ideas how to reclaim some positive memories, if there is a way.

I am sorry you are feel bad
If I'm not mistaken you were also dealing with undiagnosed ADD. It sounds like your H expected you to do everything regarding the children. How completely over-whelming that must have been. I jumped into my role as the dad and split duties with my wife. She did the 10pm feeding, I did the 2am feedings. We split diaper and bath duties. I'm not saying I did 50%, but I made an effort. We both work full time stressful jobs, so I always figured we split all household/child duties.

So... Baby (DD#1) was a good baby and after a few years I thought "This is easy", just under 5 years later Baby (DD#2) another beautiful girl but TOTALLY different. I had to re-learn everything. When the subject of a third baby came up, somehow I just Knew I was at my limits. I stuck to my guns and kept us at a family of four...

Seven years after DD#2 I was diagnosed with ADD. I was a pretty high functioning ADDer for 43 years, because I seemed to juggle the right number of oranges. 2009 was a really stressful year for me. New stressful job after 12 years (Great $), pretty stagnant marriage, and one of the most important family member in my life withered and died. It was the perfect storm that threw a bunch of extra oranges into my act. Anxiety attacks like I never knew were possible. My GP put me on anti depressants, which helped for a month or so, then I just felt nothing. No Good / No Bad, just Nothing... The anxiety sent me to my doc, I scored high on the BP quiz, he sent me to my first psych, who diagnosed the ADD.

Sorry for the ramble... But I could see in your story so many things that could have been me. I have so much guilt and hurt from events in the past. ADD devastates your self-esteem over your lifetime.

Please try to not be so hard on yourself

Thank You. Yes you do remember correctly Newly diagnosed with ADD. My H never well only twice changed the last childs diapers. He has yet to give her a bath. Not alot of help then not alot of help now. A sperm doner I suppose. He does do a good job finiancially though. But kids don't remember that. And as a wife if you are so stressed out no amount of money can replace love and affection for the children as well as the mommy.

I'm sorry you had to deal with everything all alone. I know that was not easy. I suppose the way you have to look at things is, back then, you were in survival mode. You did what you could to be able to function enough as a mother while dealing with all the emotional stress of a completely removed father. If you ask me, you did what you did out of LOVE for your little baby. She just needed you to get through all that, so she could get through it and be where she is with you today. Many mother's are not only emotionally removed, but physically as well. You powered through everything and I do not know anything more respectable than that. Sometimes we aren't the happiest, most caring people, but most of the time we react the way we need to in order to move on to the next day. I believe your children are lucky to call you mom, especially when they are older and understand what you have been through. I would not waste anymore time feeling bad about something in which you had very little control. Your daughter is smart and will pick up on you feeling bad about yourself. The best thing you can do for her now and forever is to forgive yourself for being human and continue loving her and caring for her as she already knows you do

I wrote a post earlier and for some reason I guess it didn't go through. Thought it was just being moderated, so I'll post again. If the other one shows up sorry

I am so sorry to hear about everything you had to go through alone. I can't imagine how hard that was to have everything put on your shoulders. While that situation seems to you to be horrible, I see it differently...maybe because I am removed from the situation and just going by basic understands of what a mother is. I do not see everything you have "done" as "not loving your daughter", I see it as the opposite. While you were dealing with heavy emotional feelings, YOU are the one that stood by your daughter, even during the times in which you thought you couldn't. Sometimes we have to push the details aside and go into survival mode. We have to do whatever it takes to get ourselves through that day. You brought your daughter every step of the way with you when many others would have physically checked out. I can only hope my child protection/survival mode would have come out like that. I suffer from sever depression and have no idea how I would get through that when I can't even take care of myself. I would be proud to call you my mom and because you are with your daughter, loving her everyday, she should be too (especially when she grows up and knows how everything played out). My advice is forgive yourself for being human and doing what you needed to do at that time to function. Otherwise, your smart little one will pick up on your negative feelings instead of all the love you give her. I am convinced, given your past situation, that you will overcome this. You sound like a strong, smart person to me and I in no way, shape or form took your story as anything other than inspirational.

Bink...Thank you so much for your kind words. That makes me feel so much better. I guess I didn't see things that way at the time. It does take someone not so close to the situation sometimes to shed light on things. Now that my little girl is 5 years old she is the greatest gift ever. Girls are certainly different from boys. It was tough in the beginning but God did know what he was doing. I never doubted that I just wish he would have let me know what he was doing. Thank you again for input.

I am sorry that you had to go through all of this. I know how hard a new baby can be and to do it all alone is tough. My daughter had colic and cried the first 6 months of her life. Her father was not much help either. SO it was up several times a night, nurse, change poopy pants, rock her, try to sleep, get up, work a few hours and come back and do it all over again. Now she is in her second year of university and becoming a beautiful young woman. In retrospect, as hard as it was that first year I wouldn't ever regret it.,,After 3 miscarriages I am just thankful for what I have.

You have had it hard and deserved to have a lot more support than you ever have gotten. It is especially hard to try to raise a child with no support. Be good to your self and give yourself credit for the job you are doing. My husband walked out on me for another woman 4 years later and has been a dysfunctional mess, but when it is important somehow you find a way. It will not be easy but you can do it for the sake of your child

Hugs -- I am rooting for you
Larissa