Soul less

3 years ago I have birth to my son, what you would think would be a great day, was the start of my mind, body, and soul deteriorating. I never believed in depression when I was younger, I always thought people just faked it or was just weak, boy was I wrong. I feel like I could crawl in a hole and just wither away. I've been on numerous meds can't even count on two hands, nothing has ever made me feel free from these evil thoughts and crazy fatigue. I just can't seem to snap out of it, sometimes I will have a great day and the next day, reality sets in, back to my cave, when I have the really bad days and I can't stop crying, people ask me what's wrong, why are you crying? My response, I literally have no clue, but I know my entire soul, mind and body are consumed with debilitating hurt and pain. What's crazy, is I used to be so out going, light of the party, first one on the dance floor with out being drunk, now I'm so pathetic I can't even go to the grocery store, much less just to go to the park with my kids, it's unbearable to think my kids are suffering because I can't get over this evil intruder in my thoughts, constantly tell me how worthless I've become, pathetic, horrible mother, I can't snap out of it! I try to hang on, but in reality, I'm losing grip, to top it all off, I have a controlling, mentally abusive, physically abused in the past, boy friend/ baby daddy of 7 years, I have no job, no friends, no money, where did I go wrong?! I think back how I could've changed to make things better but it don't make a difference, I'm lost and will never be found