After my last loss

I've lost 4. The first when I was 16. The the last 3 all back to back. I have 2 children that I am so grateful for. But 3 months ago I lost a pregnancy (trying to phrase it nicely) and I was 17 weeks. I had to have a d&c. I started having some very horrible things happen. My obgyn told me I more than likely had post partum. I started having multiple panic attacks in a daily basis. I couldn't handle my kids (4&1 years old) my husband works a lot and I'm a stay at home mom. So it was just me and the kids. I don't have any babysitters and I don't trust daycare so there was no one to help. I had my mother in law telling me I was a bad mom because I kept finding myself freaking out and I would start screaming at my kids. I couldn't stop it. I tried so hard to make it stop. To control myself. .but I couldn't. Finally after two months it calmed down but now I'm just depressed. I can't shake it. I don't want to get on meds... I've been on anti depressants before and they only made everything worse. I can't afford to get worse. Like I said.. I have two babies. I want them to have the best life ever. Not a life with a mom who can't cope or handle anything. Any advice? Suggestions?