After my last loss

I've lost 4. The first when I was 16. The the last 3 all back to back. I have 2 children that I am so grateful for. But 3 months ago I lost a pregnancy (trying to phrase it nicely) and I was 17 weeks. I had to have a d&c. I started having some very horrible things happen. My obgyn told me I more than likely had post partum. I started having multiple panic attacks in a daily basis. I couldn't handle my kids (4&1 years old) my husband works a lot and I'm a stay at home mom. So it was just me and the kids. I don't have any babysitters and I don't trust daycare so there was no one to help. I had my mother in law telling me I was a bad mom because I kept finding myself freaking out and I would start screaming at my kids. I couldn't stop it. I tried so hard to make it stop. To control myself. .but I couldn't. Finally after two months it calmed down but now I'm just depressed. I can't shake it. I don't want to get on meds... I've been on anti depressants before and they only made everything worse. I can't afford to get worse. Like I said.. I have two babies. I want them to have the best life ever. Not a life with a mom who can't cope or handle anything. Any advice? Suggestions?

Hello Roserose329: You've sustained a great loss without having the opportunity to grieve. From the Skeezyks' perspective, it is important for you to find some way to work through your grief as well as your isolation. You don't mention, in your post, if you see a therapist. If not, this may be one important step you could take. An alternative, if such a thing is available where you live, would be to find a women's organization where you might have the opportunity to meet other moms who are or have struggled with similar losses.

I know you wrote you don't want to go on antidepressants & I can certainly understand that. I've been on them as well. And they never seemed to do me much good either... mostly just made me groggy. However, the cold hard reality may be that in order to be the kind of mom you want to be for your 2 kids, you're going to have to do something. So if some type of therapy, support group, or other similar service just isn't an option for you, AD's may be the only other alternative.

The only other thing that occurs to me is that if you can arrange for child care a few hours a week, perhaps you could at least get out & do some things on your own. Just getting out of the house & having the opportunity to do some things you enjoy, perhaps with a friend, might help to relieve some of the pressure. I wish you well...

(((hugs))) Rose, my sister lost like 5 or 6 herself. You just have to stop trying, and give life a break. And work on building your body back up where all these mishaps have depleted you emotionally, physically. Be good to yourself and take time for yourself to totally heal by putting yourself first. tc and blessings

I am currently not seeing a therapist, but it's something that I'm considering. Because there is just so much I need to let out. That I really can't with my friends. My husband is great but he's on overload himself. Poor guy. Thank you so much for all of your advice

And omegalamed we weren't trying to get pregnant it just happened, which we were excited about, but scared. Because we had already had 3 losses.. and 2 kids who we love but we are slightly overwhelmed with lol and right now we are just saying that we need to give ourselves a break. Let my body heal before we consider trying. It might be a few months or maybe a couple of years. I mean my youngest is only 1 and a half. So waiting isn't a bad idea. But I'm afraid to try again, what if I lose another one.. I dont think I could live with myself. But I'm Sure everything will turn out ok thanks for all the help and advice