Scared to take meds

Hello everyone, I haven't been on this site for a while but I need somewhere to vent. I got pregnant in June and I got off all my meds (150 mg Bupropion and 20mg Paroxetine). My depression DISAPPEARED during my entire pregnancy. I had one bout of depression for a day and that was literally it. Getting off my meds was hell but afterwards I was fine.

Well about two weeks after giving birth to my son I started feeling it. I refused to believe it was my depression coming back. I didn't want to believe I was sick again. It was just the baby blues... hormones... anything but depression! I went so long feeling better without anti depressants and I felt it slowly consuming me once again.

I have been having a hard time. Taking care of my son is so trying at times because I feel like crud. I cry a lot. I have been feeling more like a babysitter than a mother. Like someone is going to come pick him up any moment. I have good days and bad and I tend to feel worse in the mornings and at night. I love my son so much and I feel like a horrible person for not being able to be happy.

Also, I'm breastfeeding. So I can't take Bupropion which is actually the only antidepressant that had less psychological side effects to get over during the first two weeks. I just had my six week checkup and my OB prescribed Lexapro which is an SSRI. I am scared of SSRI's because the Paxil gave me terrible suicidal thoughts, hypnagogic hallucinations and racing thoughts. I don't want to risk being out of my freaking mind for two weeks. The worst the Bupropion did was give me a stiff neck, tremors and some heightened anxiety.

I want to take care of my son to the best of my abilities. I really don't feel safe experimenting with new SSRI's. I at least know what to expect with Bupropion. But then I would have to stop breastfeeding which just kills me to think about not to mention my husband doesn't want me to stop breastfeeding either. He actually doesn't want me on any meds at all but I don't think he understands how badly depressed I am. I don't want to look back and regret not getting better so I could really experience parenthood.

There is also the obligatory feelings of worthlessness and failure and shame to be mentally ill and be a mother. I wish every day I was normal. I feel like my doctors only see my depression and not all the other parts of who I am. And I am NOT a danger to my son. I would never hurt him. And I hate when they say if I feel like "hurting myself or others" to go to a hospital. I'm not a violent person. I'm just an unhappy person desperately trying to be happy so I can enjoy my life.

When I think about my depression I feel like my son deserves a better mom. These last few days I've been feeling okay but I don't know if it will last. I have the Lexapro sitting on my table but I'm terrified of taking it. I don't know what to do.

(((hugs))) This is all normal, it is called post blues. You still should probably see about going back on a lower dosage of an antidepressant... check with your doctor. In the meantime it takes time to adjust to feeling whole again after having a baby. Your body has to adjust and heal...give yourself a break and find a support group of other mothers who had babies. The drs office can set you up usually through community health team a group of other new moms to talk to for support. This will make a world of difference for you... blessings and tc

I breastfed each of my kids for a year, and I believe BFing is great, but it isn't better than your mental health. Please consider bottle feeding and getting back on your meds. As you said, you might be a more capable mom on meds, and formula has come a really, really long way and it is great for babies. Good luck either way!

I bottle fed because I was taking Prozac. My Pdoc said that it doesn't do the baby any good if you are depressed. She always told me a happy mom means happy baby.

Btw, my baby is 19 and finishing her first year of college.

My obstetrician said the same thing: happy mom = happy baby. But she didn't advise bottle feeding. Apparently, there are a lot of antidepressants that are ok when breastfeeding. However, I'm still being stubborn and haven't begun taking anything yet.

Here's an article about various antidepressants and breastfeeding. Some of them don't have much data behind them, but it's some good information, I think.