sometimes i think about running away

(possible trigger)

I really do.

Sometimes I think about leaving in the middle of the night. I never would, because I could never do that to my sweet little baby, but sometimes I think about it.

Sometimes I wonder what he'd do if I did leave him with her. I wonder how he'd cope, having to wake up at 1 am to sit up with her for an hour while she refuses to go back to sleep because she's still hungry. Sometimes I wonder how he'd handle the diaper changes, giving her medicine when she absolutely refuses to take it, listening to her scream and scream and scream when she hasn't pooped in four days, and the poop is starting to hurt her tiny little tummy. Sometimes I wonder if he could do it. Sometimes I think about running away to see. But I know I never could, because I could never leave him, and I could never leave my baby.

That doesn't stop me from missing my freedom, though. It doesn't stop me from resenting the fact that his life didn't have to change as much as mine. He didn't have to trade work clothes for spit up rags. He didn't have to stop going to work. His body didn't gain 50 lbs, lose 40, then gain 50 again from birth control and anti depressants. He doesn't have to get up at one am to pop a boob out and pray she goes back to sleep. No. His life goes on relatively normally. And because of that, sometimes I resent him and wish that his life did have to do a 180, too. What better way to achieve that than running away?

Of course, it wouldn't work well. He was once given 100 dollars by a stranger for having the baby. For sticking around. He was giving 100 dollars just for showing up. He doesn't get the glares when she's screaming and I'm too afraid to pop my boob out because then I'll be glared at harder. He doesn't have old people patronizing him when she's crying, insinuating that he's doing something wrong. No, he gets sympathy. He gets people trying to help. He gets 100 dollars. I get glares, and eyes rolled, and spit up down the front of my shirt.

And people wonder why postpartum is more common in the moms. It's not just hormones.

No advice needed necessarily, I just needed to vent.

OSFED|MDD/PPD|GAD|gender dysphoria|AvPD

Feel free to vent anytime you want..

Thank you.

I do to my partner sometimes, but I feel like he doesn't completely get it.

OSFED|MDD/PPD|GAD|gender dysphoria|AvPD

I don't imagine he would get it either...

I seriously doubt the honesty of any mom who says they haven't thought what you're brave enough to say.

I will admit that in the beginning there was resentment. I hope your adjustment period comes sooner rather than later (I promise you will adjust)...

I do, too, sometimes. I think for those of us with depression, the thoughts may be more frequent - or at the very least more disturbing and intrusive - but I don't doubt for a second that most moms and many dads, too, have thought about it.

I hope the adjustment period comes soon. She's almost 11 months now, and it's a bit easier. But every now and then, I slip. I've been on medication, but the one they have me on now isn't working and I've had some troubles getting back in.

I'm trying hard, though. Thank you both.

OSFED|MDD/PPD|GAD|gender dysphoria|AvPD

Wow. Reading this 2 years later almost brought me to tears. My how things have changed (for both better and worse).

A year after writing this, I found out I was pregnant again. A year after that, and now I have a 4 month old. I'm the one working this time. So, he does kind of get it. Finally. And no, he can't handle it.

When I leave to go on walks, he'll call me to complain that I left one of them. He expects me to take both. I know he needs the break, but he doesn't understand that I do, too. See, where he would work all day and come home and sleep... I work all day and come home and work.

Life isn't fair in that way. Way more is expected of the one with the uterus, and it still isn't fair....

but, at least, at least he understands now that I wasn't just crazy.

OSFED|MDD/PPD|GAD|gender dysphoria|AvPD