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Old Aug 18, 2018 at 01:51 AM
I've seen people tell me that they don't have friends. But they would still have a flock of people who would cheer them up. Tell them that they do have friends and etc. They either do have a few friends or have tons of friends.

This happened when i was in Elementary school. My school didn't have a lot of students. It would always be less than 10 people. I had friends at that time and i wasn't a very happy individual. I suppressed all of my negative feelings and studied hard so that i would be my parent's number one child. A perfect child that is independent and smart. Everyone who had met with me can see how smart i am and how independent i looked.

Even though i like the way i am back then, i didn't feel close to my parents at all. I'd felt that my parents weren't really there. I didn't think of my father as family. I didn't like my mother because she would yell and never listen to me. So i'd always stay at my room alone, reading books and think to myself about how the universe works. Why i'm here and how meaningless everything felt.

I expected that maybe someday there would be someone who can listen to me. See for who i truly am and actually talk to my real self. I've always been a shy, innocent, patient friend and a good listener to boot. I didn't want any negative feelings towards my friends. I liked my friends too much that even if their actions are inexcusable to me and other people. I would blindly defend them in any way possible. Give all of my energy to them and help them probably because i felt like they were my only hope. They were bullies and they bullied me too, unconsciously i knew but i tried to cover up the fact that they weren't actually a friend that i'd always though of.

At the end of Elementary school (E school), i had to move to a better school. My current one didn't have the best teachers and curriculum. So my mom wanted me to move to a so called prestigious school (Let's call it M school for middle school) that would up my A game. I though of this as an opportunity to widen my horizon, get new friends and get better grades. Live that middle school life like a queen. Optimistic as i am in that timeline, Middle school wasn't as easy as Elementary school. Making friends is much more difficult. I didn't have a lot of problems in studying but i wasn't confident. I wasn't used to the many students in one classroom. Everything was so noisy. The buildings were tall and it felt so intimidating.

I made one friend at the sea of many people. It was a short friendship because one student who came late at the school year became attached to her. Happy as i was to see her happy, i felt down because other people already had their own groups and i was the only person without a group or friend. At lunch breaks i ate at the toilet alone because the cafeteria's was always full and i was afraid of crowds. I hate the noises and sounds. No one ever tried talking to me but i tried to talk to them. But they would give me a confused and weird-ed out face. They would try to avoid me and mock of how pitiful i am of being isolated. I tried to vent to my parents or my brothers but the only thing they would say is be patient or just make friends.

This made me sleep late at nights and cry by myself. I didn't have any friends to rant or vent. I was always the listener. I was all alone. I didn't have motivations to go to classes and would miss out from time to time. Locked myself in the bathroom and take long baths to become late. I missed my primary school friends and i would always have a chat with them through whatsapp at lunch breaks. I though maybe the solution is to go back to my previous school. Maybe then i wouldn't be as lonely as i am now. There will be people who have my back.

But one day there was a girl with two of her other friends who would try talking to me from time to time. She saw my doodles and drawings and we had the same hobby. The other two of her friends didn't like me much because they felt like i was invading their circle. Whenever they see us get closer, they would try to invade. And someday convince her to not be that close to me. It happened but i'm used to it. Although sometimes she tries talking to me when both of her friends are not there. But i had only one thought, go back to my previous school.

Me and my mom had a big fight, my dad kicked me. Because of me my dad can't concentrate on his job and i had lots of absences at M school. My mom was disappointed at me and i stayed quiet. I still persisted that i wanted to go back. I went to my previous school but it wasn't what i had anticipated. The friends i had before changed, they bullied and mocked me for coming back. They think i look like a dyke and my hair was fake. They took out my things and thrown it to the balcony. I was so hung out in the past that i didn't realize that they are bullies. My other classmates was also bullied by them but i wasn't close to them. I'd always sit at class alone. Never ate lunch. Played with my phone. For some reason i had a fear of crowds and people. My mom noticed but she might be oblivious about it. I like to isolate myself at my room and not go out.

I made a few friends but i had to move again. I felt stuck at this school. The teachers were never there to teach us. And to be frankly honest, i felt even more idiotic. I regret coming back there but i wouldn't want to go back to M school. So my dad had a lucky chance to get us to another prestigious school (S school), i though to myself again. I will be a new me. I should change myself. I will make new friends. Luckily, i made one friend who helped me a lot during my first year in there. We were the best of friends but my problem was my studies. I hated studying. I didn't feel any motivation and hate everything of it. I loved drawing but i hated art! I hated everyone in the class so much that their sounds would annoy me. I missed some classes again because i didn't want to see them. I promised myself to change but why did it get worse? In the next year, my best friend was not in the same class as me and began my bigger downfall. I had a distrust on everyone but my best friend. Everybody was an outsider to me. Some people tried bullying and scaring me. Broke my things and called me weird. I wanted them to go to hell. All of my previous innocent thoughts were all gone. I wanted them to die. Tried my best to calm myself but i exploded. I wanted to stop going to school. Every event that i didn't like, i would skip school. My mom was very hard on me and would drag me. Hard headed as i was, i fought back but got beaten again. Teachers weren’t fond of me and wouldn’t like to be associated with me. They act as if they care in front of my parents but in reality they don’t.

The school didn't believe that i can continue at H school because of the many absences and low grades. Even with lots of self study and after school lessons. My mom had no choice but to bring me to homeschool. My brothers were at the same school (S school) and mocked me for wasting such a big lifetime chance of going to a great school. My dad thinks i'm being possessed by the devil. My mom thinks i might be autistic. My best friend was very sad that i had to move. I was her only true friend and i left her selfishly. Thinking that running away was the problem. I hated everyone. It feels as if all of that negative feelings were bursting out. I isolated myself at home. Never going out and gained lots of weight. Ate 4 times a day. Never moved a lot and played video games all day. Never studied at home school and made online friends but i deleted myself off the internet because it reminded me of school. And i hated school. I was so unhealthy and stressed that i grew a tumor at my neck. My mom who was ignorant was worried. She convinced me to eat healthy and try going out but i would always have mood swings and lash out at my mom. I wanted to end myself but i was too scared and didn’t want to embarass my family.

My mom was headstrong and stoic but now she was stressed seeing her before 'perfect' kid become a giant messy mess. She tried bringing me to psychotherapists, priests and psychologists but they give different answers. Autism, Depression, Bipolar Disorder and will never be cured. A priest even told me that at the future i would become a crazy person. It was the most devastating moment of my life. I never communicated with my best friend after that because she was always busy. Talking with my dolls calmed me. I didn't have friends, who do you expect me to talk to? My mind was a big mess and even my mom doesn't want to understand. My dad was never there too. My brother told my mom that a person like me should just die. I felt like no one was by my side. No one. None of my online friends know who i really am. I used a pseudonym to conceal myself in case someone finds me. But well i ended it all and was alone again. I’d rarely communicate with my parents and will talk to myself occasionaly leaving me insane. But someday something happened to me.

Falling in love actually gave me the confidence to change myself little by little. Childish as it sounds, it gave me a head start to change my life. Maybe it wasn't love but admiring the way a person talks. Just like a role model. Wanting to be as confident. I tried walking out of my home. Tried losing weight and seeing how's life out there. I decided that i wanted to work in a game industry. I wanted to make life. Use my artistic ability for good use. And that's how i found out that i can go to college faster than anybody else and i took it. My mom after all these years of telling me i disappointed her, she told me once that she was proud.

I wanted to go to college and actually change myself and i did. I had average weight and felt more confident even though my choice of clothes are really atrocious. Tried getting near people and communicate, made a few friends. Even though i was afraid when i had to go to a public place but my mom tried convincing me to go. I went and met someone that would lead me to another downfall. As i'm writing to this forum right now. I can see the way i depend on people a lot, leads me to disasters or a cycle. This is part one of my story and this was a timeline of me from primary school to college. I have changed a lot but there's still a core of myself that i haven't changed. Will be continued in the second part.

If you want to ask questions feel free to ask. This isn't as fully detailed because it would be way too long. Thank you for reading if you have gotten this far.
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Old Aug 21, 2018 at 02:43 PM
Hi mimichoux. welcome to Psych Central. Sorry you experienced so much bullying. People can be mean.

Sounds like lately you have risen above that situation and found a calling in life. All the best to you. You deserve a good life. It is so inspiring to heart stories turn around like yours.

Thanks for sharing.

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Old Aug 22, 2018 at 09:25 PM
I truly feel that people, of all ages, do so much bullying and putting other people down, because it's the only way they can feel better about themselves. Most are probably not even aware of how their bullying just reveals how insecure they are. You sound very young. Try to be thankful that you don't have to demean others in order to elevate your own self worth. Thank you for sharing!
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Old Oct 23, 2018 at 12:13 PM
Iam sorry to hear that
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Old Jan 30, 2021 at 09:35 PM
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Old Aug 10, 2021 at 08:08 AM
Sometimes it is good to not have friends but sometime it seems that there will be something missing in me which no one wants to do friendship with me I always feel like this...
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Old May 02, 2022 at 12:04 AM
I don't have any friends either, the last friends I had turned out to be backstabbers, and that was over 20 years ago. Now I don't trust anyone anymore. Maybe I'm better off alone.
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Old Sep 12, 2022 at 08:13 AM
I am sorry to hear that, I too don't have many friends.
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