Harming myself or the baby

I've always been an extremely independent person. Always could do anything and everything by myself. I've never harmed myself or anybody close to me or even an animal. I've always been happy with my life,I love dogs,videogames,been in quite a few relationships etc etc
Well my life changed when I gave birth. She was 10 days late, I was in labour and pain for 4 days and then in the delivery room for 16 hours. She just didn't want to come out. As soon as she did and I held her on me..i never felt anything..like that is some stranger that is now MY RESPONSIBILITY? Our parents live very far so I had help for the first few months..but now,she is almost 6 months old,my husband works all day and we are alone..she is gorgeous and looks just like me. Smart big baby. And I believe I will ruin her life. I am such a bad mom. I yell at her cause I don't know what she wants, sometimes she cries for no reason at all,sometimes doesn't want to sleep but sleepy af,sometimes doesn't want to eat other times she eats or sleeps too much..there is no pattern..there is no logic in this..
I really feel like some day I'm gonna loose control and hit her instead of the couch when I get angry..Then I'm just gonna kill myself cause I couldn't forgive myself if I do anything bad to her..my temper gets the best of me..
I want my old childless life back so bad!!! I wanna turn time so she disappears..she is beautiful and sweet and all but who is this child,i don't feel like she's mine..i don't want this responsibility..
I din't know what to do anymore.
My husband says it will all pass. My mum says a lot of ppl have it way worse then us and why am i complaining..
Sometimes I really feel i should kill myself to prove a point. I don't want to be some baby's maid and that is literally how I feel.

Please seek help immediately. Post Pardum Depression goes beyond the "baby blues". I was hospitalized when my daughter was 3 months old for suicidal stuff. They have medication that can help. Do not jeapordize your bond with your baby or yell at her. I know you will say that your husband works so you cant get help but you must.

[QUOTE=Ines123;6429773]

Hello Ines123. It sounds like you are having an extremely difficult time. Were you able to share your concerns with a doctor at all? Either someone who cared for you during pregnancy and the birth or someone new?

It sounds like you need some support. No shame in that. I think a trusted doctor could be a place to start. Would you feel comfortable with that?

There's a poem by Sylvia Plath which sounds similar to how you are feeling. It's called Morning Song. I don't know if you enjoy poetry but perhaps it would be of comfort to you to know that someone else also felt detached from her baby.

I wish you and your baby peace, understanding, and hope.

Morning Song

Love set you going like a fat gold watch.
The midwife slapped your footsoles, and your bald cry
Took its place among the elements.

Our voices echo, magnifying your arrival. New statue.
In a drafty museum, your nakedness
Shadows our safety. We stand round blankly as walls.

I’m no more your mother
Than the cloud that distills a mirror to reflect its own slow
Effacement at the wind’s hand.

All night your moth-breath
Flickers among the flat pink roses. I wake to listen:
A far sea moves in my ear.

One cry, and I stumble from bed, cow-heavy and floral
In my Victorian nightgown.
Your mouth opens clean as a cat’s. The window square

Whitens and swallows its dull stars. And now you try
Your handful of notes;
The clear vowels rise like balloons.

Sylvia Plath

I know this is a slightly old post, but if you happen to get on I want to say... I've been in your shoes. I know what it's like. I may not know exactly how you feel, but I've been here. 3 years ago when my first was born, I could have written this. It can get better, but only if you get help. With therapy and Zoloft I was some how able to make it to a year postpartum. And then two. And now I have a second baby, and while I have PPD again it is nowhere near as bad as it was after my first.

I hope you are doing okay.

OSFED|MDD/PPD|GAD|gender dysphoria|AvPD