Side effects too bad, what to do? (Zyprexa, I think.)

I think it's the Zyprexa, I've been on it for a month and it's not getting any better. I'm gaining weight - not good when I'm at risk for diabetes! - painfully constipated, so shaky at times I can hardly do what I need to, conflicting with my ability to do things I want to do, too. Words are difficult to speak at times, stuttering - especially when I'm anxious, and I certainly don't need that with my social anxiety. I just feel more frustrated and depressed over these things.
But this is the medicine that boosted me out of being "darkly" suicidal. And I've run out of time for experimenting - I can't do it outpatient because I can't trust myself to stay safe when my meds are unstable. And I can't do it inpatient because school is starting, I don't have the time, and with how I'm doing lately what I may really need is a long stay to find anything that really works. The combination I'm on now is only minimally helpful. But if I were to wait on school, in order to take care of a meds change, the bank is going to start expecting me to pay back my loans - which are currently deferred as long as I'm a full-time student.
I feel so stuck, I don't know what to do. I don't know what keeps me here anyway... I guess I'm just afraid of failing(being thwarted) and being stuck living with an even more messed-up life.

Tao,

You started me thinking way back to school loans with your question. I would suggest calling the lender of the student loan & ask them if a letter explaining why you aren't able to be in school for a semester/quarter would be acceptable from your Doctor/pdoc to continue the deferrance of your loan payback. If that is possible, or they may have another way to handle the situation....but then you could talk to your Dr/pdoc & get him/her to provide you with the letter.

There are people who could be in need of an operation that must be performed & I'm sure the lending company has exceptions for them, they are required to treat mental issues in the same way.

Botton line is talk to the lender & see what they require to keep the loan deferred.

Debbie

Everything's so complicated. School has been good for me, it gives me structure and something to work towards. While I'd be willing to give it alone up for a semester, there's more to it. I'm supposed to be in a co-leadership position in my dorm - something that would either be good for me or a heavy responsibility - I'd hate to step down from that, it'd be very difficult emotionally. And then the question of where to be if I'm not inpatient - I'm sure I wouldn't be inpatient the whole semester. Home isn't a healthy place for me to be for long - it breeds my depression. School gives me the chance to be away from home, in a structured environment.
And then my biggest fear - if I don't improve enough, I'm afraid I'll end up in the state ward, because I'm so chronically suicidal - I'm not even that safe right now... I think they were just getting pressure to release me... that was 2 weeks ago, and it's been pretty tough to stay safe.
There is no good option. That thought just drives me toward suicide, but I'm holding out for something... I don't know what. I want to give school a try, but I need to get this med changed, I really can't tolerate it any longer. I'm even between pdocs right now, so contacting one holds a lot of second-guessing as to whether I should call him at all. Maybe I could call my case manager about this... but I see her Tuesday... I guess I'll just have to wait.

Don't quit anything till you can discuss it with a T... imo....

2 weeks and you are still safe... that means it was a good decision... yes, tough though.

You might be holding out for change... and it probably will come...

Call your former T... or case manager... or both... let THEM make the helpful decisions. TC

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But I'm NOT safe... that's part of the problem, I'm impulsive, and the only reason I haven't done anything yet is because I haven't had transportation when I'm impulsive.
I'm not going to quit anything without talking with a dr/someone... I've thought of taking myself off it, but I know better.
I guess I hold out in fear of making a move... fear of the results if I fail... I avoid hope with all my strength of self-protection. Hope fails. I don't know why I bother.

Personally, I had to stop the Zyprexa. Made me feel just awful. Made me paranoid...and too jittery. I take Remeron at night now, instead. It is becomming a controversial drug.

~Dottie