"Treatment Resistant"- New Hope w Meds?

50 years old, issues since childhood, BPD, anxiety, depression etc..
Off and on meds, in and out of therapy.

"Treatment Resistant" I was told- that there are some people who just don't respond well to antidepressants etc.. And yes, I have tried a variety of doctors, and combination of meds, and putting up with side effects etc..for 30 years.
Finally, about 2 years ago I started on Lamictyl. I think it has helped my highs and lows even out a bit, and age has probably helped some too. I use to be even more reactive than I am now.

Once I took a DBT class which was helpful at the time but none of it lasted. I have liked a couple of therapists but I felt like I was paying these people to be my friends, and I wasn't able to really make any changes.

I do know this all takes lots of work; I have gone through better times than others- though none of them very good. It seems like I have only functioned "well" when it came to taking care of my kids, who are now older. I just seem to get by, always just getting through each day. For a while now, I have been unemployed, and I feel like my isolation is the only thing that keeps me sane- because I am not having to deal with the stuff that comes from working and social relationships.

In my head, I know the things I should do to help myself, but I cannot get out of my own head. I am stuck, and seem to be slipping backwards. If I even let myself go there in my head I will not be able to stop feeling the guilt and regret and disdain for myself, the complete lack of respect I have for all the time I have wasted.

Sorry- I didn't mean to write so much in order to get to the question:

I need to make another appt with my pdoc. What I am wondering is this: have any of you had similar experiences, where meds didn't help, but then you went back a long time later and tried something else? I go back and forth on this medication issue. thinking that I should be able to do this without meds, that this is who I am, and that I should be able to just get my **** together. And I always think that if I had the right job, a job that was fulfilling and could utilize my strengths etc.., that I would then be happy. But I have not been able to do that. I cannot focus and find my place in this world. I feel guilty about it all of the time.

I guess I am back at a place where I am wishing that something could help me. I want the magic pill. I'm guessing that many of you reading this will think I am just a pathetic person who doesn't want to take responsibility for her own treatment. Maybe I am. I'm just sooooo tired of myself, and so so tired of muddling through and being sad and regretful and guilty.

To answer your Q: YES!

I am 40, and have many of the same problems/experiences that you listed. It does suck, yeah. I've also run into other people who are treatment resistant and have been living in Hell for years too. Very sad ~ but it's kind of nice to know that you aren't some rare thing watched closely by all scientists! LOL!!

Many of the statements you said above have been both thought and said by me sooo many times. I often get irritated with myself when I find myself stuck in the "woe is me" mood. Irritated is an understatement, really, but I'm sure that you get the gist. Just know that you aren't alone ~ not at all. Maybe that's a teeny, tiny comfort??

i hope you find something that will help, it's been far too long in a society which doesn't tolerate different sorts of people,, best wishes,,, Gus

I hate how people say you aren't taking responsibility for your own problems if you're treatment resistent. Like its just that easy huh. -.-

So it seems like we mentally ill people get the short end of the stick. I shouldn't have done those drugs.

hello hayward....my name is Linda...new at posting here, but read every day...suppose not fair...but that's just what I can do at the time....however, your story jumped out at me........

about a year and a half ago, I had a HUGE breakdown....had to leave work for 4 months.....mentally unfit for anything....I am 47, mother of two teen agers....

what I would like to share with you is this....when I was in my biggest of big episode....I visited many meds.........Now, that time has passed and my pdoc and i are trying to settle on correct cocktail, I find that several of the meds, that were at one time, no good for me, are indeed a good fit now....

I think it all depends on the chemicals going on in our brains...and what we are lacking or over producing at the time......so yes, a med could be good/bad at one point and then further on......could be our saving grace.....

I always say.......it is just a crapshoot.....but definatly, worth revisiting some of them.

Wish you well.

linda

Hi Linda

Thanks so much for your comments. I think you are right about the time/situation/brain chemical issue.
What's frustrating is how it can take a while for things to work or even out, and then lots of times you don't know what is actually making a difference for you- is it the meds or your current situation or the season or what??!!

Just 3 years ago I was your age with 2 teenagers (barely- 18, and 19).
I know that is not easy since they are older. At least when my kids were little I could hide things easier. Now my son is all "chilled" and philosophical and says things like Mom, does this really matter now? You need to relax etc.. He is being really mindful, and I love that about him and for him, and I agree with lots of what he says, and know lots of it is good for me- to be living in the moment and all. However, having said that, it just drives me crazy when someone tells me to be calm!!!! and I get really upset when someone points out something that is good for when I am having trouble following through with the basics!

Thanks again for your post!

wow...that was fast, fetting back to me...

I hear you with the bit about our teenagers; my daughter is 17 and son...woops, now 20..not teenager....anyhow.....

Yes, I am so much more "under the gun"...as they seem privy to all my troubles.
for me, my daughter, really struggles with it all. During my breakdown...she dealt with it in anger...so so angry at me.....outright cruel....not permitting me at school events....telling me how "stupid" I was...it's all those meds you take that are doing this to you...(this was the first time for me officially diagnosed bipolar, so meds became a new regime...always self medicated in terrible destructive ways...for years)....that being said, i suppose i scared the heck out of her and she didn't know what was happening to me....it effected me in so many ways...not just mentally...it took itself on physically and in appearance)
i was a true basket case...at one point, the car was taken from me....could not be trusted with it...should have been hospitalized but I vehementally refused...
a little more background.....I stumbled upon (randomly from ins directory) an awesome psch dr......he virtually created my own IOP ; intensive out patient program; for me...every day..7 days a week, i would go to his house (private practice in his home)and spend up to 4 hrs a day there...unable to leave, due to panic, severly depressed (suicidal) and just plain old scared to death.
He saved my life.

this is also when we started working with meds....really made me a zombie. He felt it was dire for them at the time, as far as mg wise......very high doses.

It's been a very long road. Have been through at least 15 different meds in 11 months time.....finally having landed on 7 of them...some I could not manage then and now, they are vital to my being able to be a mom, full time employee...a wife (which i still am terrible at....this due to the fact that my husband took on the same posistion as my daughter...even at one point, stealing and hiding my meds from me...he too, daying they were the cause.

they both could not get the fact, that I "couldn't just get over it" and stop it.
OOOOHhh as I look back, it is miraculous that we are still married.

Yes, very ADD too...sorry...I totally went off on another tangent..so let me get back about the kids...

It is my 20 year old son, that has been my saving grace....he constantly would ask me how's it goin? see me sobbing and comfort me...offer to do things for me...and the ever so meaningful...just a random rubbing my back and telling me everything will be alright...don't pay attention to daddy and G.....simply wonderful boy/young man....

and yes, the awful part with these meds, is how long it can take to workand alsok riding out the side effects, being told they will subside......

So, there you have it, with out even asking , is a bit of backgroundfor me.....there is so much more, trust me.....but i will spare you.

Hope you are well
Linda

I hear all of you. I just joined this group a few minutes ago. I wonder if any of you have considered ECT? I am considering it after many years of treatment-resistant depression. Just thought someone might give me the what to expect routine if I go ahead with treatment. I am so afraid.
Breather

hey there and welcoome!....i myself, am a bit shy about posting...believe it or not.....after seeing my last post.....soooo long...suppose that is why i hesitate........i am very ADD and have trouble keeping my thoughts on track ...so, here i am, giving another stab at it.......

I am very...extremely...treatment resistant.....for 15 months of med inductiions....all new to me...psych wise.........so much of it to no avail.....
we are still stumbling....pdoc and me..........

about the ECT thing...........i have often wondered this for myself..have asked pdoc about it too.....he is at least 30yrs, into his practice. He says it is really not a good thing....it is as if people become addicted to it.....and the damage done to the brain does not out weigh the final effect.....

On one of my other on line communities......there are people there...I watch and read every day...they are just counting the days until their next ECT.....and they totally love it when they come home....very non invasive procedure......but....and this is a biggie..........their memory...keeps getting worse and worse..... but their mood feels better and better........

So, I say.....Gee Whiz.....what's it worth to YOU??????

Really, have been a very busy member on this site.....very tight knit community........read several times aday.........I really have observed so much.....med wise, and this ECT you are inquiring about....

I will tell you, I recently was prescribed..(can not get without RX)...trans cranial stimulation therapy.....you put electrodes on your earlobe and get zapped for some time....woopssssss..

got called away....need to return later

sorry for interrru[ti....whatever!

I'll be back

I am 30 years old, have been dealing with my depression for only about 5 years and am treatment resistant. I have tried probably 20 different meds and combinations of meds. I even tried ECT, which I will NEVER do again due to memory loss.

Was hoping to try an MAOI at this point, but my psychiatrist refuses and keeps pointing me back at ECT!

This whole treatment resistant thing is a royal pain!