[everyday]

Hi everyone,

I signed up here with a different username I've since forgotten late last year. I have just decided to make a new account as I feel very conflicted about a few things at the moment and this seems like a good place to ask.

I started getting therapy back in March 2013, mostly for anxiety/depression (anxiety much more than depression) and it definitely helped. I did 12 sessions but decided to take a break in mid-June as I live in Australia where you can only get 10 Medicare rebated sessions, and after that it's $200 with no rebate. My therapist is good but at times I feel like she would try and treat me for straightforward depression/anxiety even if I was clearly psychotic/manic/paranoid etc.

I had a period from early June to around the middle of July where I felt unusually optimistic and positive about things but wonder now if that was a (mild) manic episode as things have went downhill a bit since then. My social anxiety has improved over the last few months, I now get out for walks every day with little to no anxiety involved which is great, but I still don't really feel like 'me' that much lately, I feel stressed/angry/irritable far more often than I'd like and things just don't really feel right at all to me.

Somehow, over the past 6 or so weeks I have found myself wanting (or feeling like I "need" to more than wanting per se) to completely sever ties with my sister. A few months ago this wasn't something I would have ever considered and I know that, but in my mind it still feels quite justified for some reason.

This worries me as I don't think she has truly done anything to warrant it, basically she's been living with us since late April and often makes a lot of noise at night which wakes me as I've been a very light sleeper since I stopped smoking marijuana last December. She is also just difficult in general to live with and I feel a lot of hatred and anger towards her but still feel like actually wanting to cut her out of my life completely to the point that I would cease to acknowledge her presence at all is hardly rational or fair...

I have felt similarly about someone I consider a close friend who I have been friends with since 2006. He is essentially my best friend, perhaps my only real friend, and I have had to resist the urge to do this for the past month or so. There are reasons for this that are impossible to really go into here but again, it seems like something I would have never considered doing a short while ago.

I had been very concerned about my physical health for quite a while so I went and got blood tests and an ultrasound done recently, almost expecting to have cancer or some other terminal illness. There was nothing too serious in the results and while at the second GP visit in as many weeks (I almost never go to the doctor's mostly due to social anxiety, sitting in a busy waiting room can be a nightmare) I told him that I feel like I may be experiencing psychosis as I have been delusional about one or two things for most of the last 2 years and quitting marijuana hasn't seemed to help much.

I had never taken any psychiatric medication before aside from risperdal (antipsychotic) and epilim (mood stabilizer) for a few months in early 2007, again prescribed by a GP and I don't know if I was really psychotic back then either nor can I remember that period clearly enough to know if the meds helped at the time or not.

I feel like I can deal with anxiety and depression naturally without meds but for whatever reason I decided to ask for some antipsychotic medication despite feeling relatively 'normal' in my head aside from wanting to sever ties with people and having delusional beliefs.

The doctor didn't seem overly keen to prescribe me something (which is probably a good sign if anything) but he did anyway. He also asked if I'd ever seen a psychiatrist (I haven't but am wondering if I should?).

He gave me a script for olanzapine as well as one for epilim which I had taken years ago with risperdal. I looked up olanzapine/zyprexa when I got home and (against my better judgment perhaps) decided to try it. I am already overweight so the fact that this stuff practically guarantees weight gain (and can even lead to diabetes) should have put me right off it, I almost feel like I'm taking it to 'punish' myself in a weird way as I've basically been going against my instincts and intuition in deciding to actually take it.

Under "Indication for use of item" he put schizophrenia, but I've never really been diagnosed with anything per se (used to think I had bipolar years ago). This is the same doctor I saw years ago too if that's at all relevant.

Anyway, I took one 5mg olanzapine and one 200mg epilim at 6:30pm on Monday evening.
By 9:30pm I was struggling to stay awake at all and was surprised at how strong the sedative effect was.

I slept for 10-12 hours and woke up feeling very groggy/out of it, it's also worth noting I had completely realistic and vivid dreams practically all night, it often felt like I was drifting in and out of sleep but dreaming the whole time if that makes sense.

I learned the next day that olanzapine is also a mood stabilizer in itself so decided not to take the epilim anymore as I felt it might be overkill, also both of them had warning stickers about drowsiness on them and I thought maybe the sedative effect would be less pronounced if I just took the olanzapine by itself. Don't get me wrong, I love the actual effect and how relaxed it makes me but needing 12 hours sleep just to avoid waking up feeling like crap the next day was a bit of a worry.

Anyway, I took one 5mg olanzapine tablet every night with my dinner since last Monday, including tonight. Tonight about an hour after I took it, I started to feel this sense of dread and I guess anxiety mostly related to the aforementioned things that I have been feeling regarding my sister and best friend. It reminded me of the way I used to feel if I got high after being completely sober for a week or two. Marijuana would lead me to freak out a bit for a few minutes after smoking, I would feel like I had been out of my mind for most of the time since I last smoked so I'm wondering now if marijuana was having a short term antipsychotic effect (but also probably worsening my mental health in the long run) and maybe that's why I'd often feel 'saner' for a few days after getting high.

I'm rambling a bit but to cut to the chase, I guess I just feel unsure about whether the olanzapine is working or not and maybe I started feeling that way tonight because it actually was having an antipsychotic effect, or is it just making me freak out over nothing?

I know that I can't take it long term due to the side effects most people seem to get from it but I had kind of planned to take 5mg for 1 week then cut down to 2.5mg for another week or however long it takes to be able to stop it safely.

I don't suppose after only 6 days of use that I could safely just stop taking it now without any real side effects?

I feel really confused and unsure about whether I am psychotic or not, but I'm leaning towards yes I am but I've been this way for so long (as in years) that it basically feels like normality to me...

So I'm in two minds about this as I basically know I can't take olanzapine for more than a week or two without making things worse, but I probably am psychotic and need some sort of medication to help with that?

Hopefully this isn't too longwinded (just checked and it definitely is) or just hard to follow.

Any help or advice would be appreciated, thanks in advance

[Travelinglady]

I do suggest you see a psychiatrist about your diagnosis and any meds you need to take.

You also might want to break this post up and put parts of it in other forums--maybe the Relationships one, for instance?

I agree a psychiatrist is the way to go here. Meds shouldnt really be messed with unless your doctor knows. I was on 5mg - 10mg of olanzapine PRN so I went on and off it from day to day. I dont remember any bad adverse affects but I was pretty doped up on other meds at the time.

You can go through the public system for therapy but it takes a long time to get into.