[Goines]

Ok, so I hope all of you can help me here, but I am really not doing to good.

I've had depression for half my life, but since October it has gotten so much worse.

Now, a few months prior I was taken off of Risperdal as it was doing something that elevated some levels to high, I dunno, basically it was slowly poisoning me. Though while I wasn't depressed my emotions were kinda deadened. Which took with it creativity.

At that point I had been on both it and Paxil for almost 10 years, and in all honesty I don't remember having to many, if any at all depressive episodes like I've been having since.

Along with the depression I have these negative thoughts, and feelings that something is true constantly nagging at me when I know it's not, though sometimes I do believe it, and when I do things just spiral down pretty deeply.

Also my concentration is basically zero at this point. Writing, which is what I do, or am trying to do, is something I'm capable of despite things, but unless I write something down right away I could forget it, even while typing something out I tend to forget what words I'd meant to use instantly. And it causes me to keep going over passages, deleting things constantly, needing it to be perfect. And like I said, even writing this what I mean to say I keep forgetting which is why it may seem a bit scrambled.

I'd never do it, it's something I'm certain about myself, but I have thoughts about wishing I was dead, or that other people would die so I'd be left alone, when things are at their darkest.

But eventually things are suddenly better, but in time things get bad again, like right now I'm feeling that nagging in the back of my head, and my medication which I though was what got rid of it last time, is doing nothing

And lastly, when something gets me really pissed, like when my computer is just awful, or when my bird screams non stop so high pitched, or even at times little things, though it's almost gone away now, it used to happen a lot more, but I'd just yell, and I'm very a quiet person, so yelling at whoever's pissed me off is different. Plus I hit my computer, nothing else though. Well my leg.

In fact, since being taken off Risperdal, I have been on Paxil, Zoloft, Xanax, Zyprexa, Wellbuttrin, Prozac, and with each one either they don't work right, causing negative side effects, or in only a few months they just stop working altogether.

So, I've been desperately looking around, and I found out about three things,
Dysthymia
Major Depressive episodes
and Bipolar Disorder.

Now, the only thing is, I don't have all the symptoms for any of them, with Dysthymia, it isn't there everyday, when it is things fit, but it's not everyday.
Major Depressive Episodes doesn't fit because its been longer then 6 months.
And Bipolar doesn't fit because I don't have manic episodes, like at all, I'm very rarely happy in any form, manic or otherwise.

So I just don't know anymore, do I only have depression and medication isn't an option for me, and I have to live utterly miserable, or is it something else? I pray one of you has some idea of what could be going on.

[kecanoe]

There is treatment resistant MDD, perhaps that is why you are suffering.

Another thought is that being irritable can be a symptom of mania. I wonder if that might be what is going on when you get so frustrated with your bird and computer.

Have you ever considered getting a full psych evaluation? That would answer your question about what it is that is troubling you.

[BudFox]

Has anyone attempted a diagnosis? I don't mean MDD, Bipolar, etc but a true investigation of root causes. Anything from childhood trauma to biological disease to some environmental issue.

I see in your post: depression, anger/irritability, cognitive impairment. I also have these issues, and more, and to me the only way out is to connect the dots and try to understand what is going on holistically and globally. Conventional healthcare is a dead end that way.

The other thing I wonder is whether you have considered that the psych drugs over the long haul are a key problem, inducing brain and physiology changes over time.

BTW, do you notice you are more angry or scrambled when using the computer compared to other times?