weird session

dunno why... but i only seem to be able to post to this board. had a weird therapy session this week. sometimes... hard to explain... i guess it is partly about my feeling so tired... but he looks a certain way... and i feel averse / repulsed by it. hard to explain. guess it is about me rather than about him.

he wanted to talk to me about my goals. i rambelled on for a long time. said 'i dunno what to say so i guess i'm just talking - sorry'. he said it was okay. that if i knew what to say i probably wouldn't need to go. that sounds familiar... i hope he isn't reading here. i sent him an email of a couple poems while he was away. he hasn't said anything. don't know if he got them or not. oh well. i don't care.

want to work more. less time ruminating. the screaming / hurting cycle. that kind of stuff. took one session to get that out. the next time... i didn't really want to talk about the screaming / hurting 'cause i needed to be functional that day. talked about how i need to get better at handling myself at work. he said to take the inderal. looked annoyed with me. said something. a bit sharp. something about how he CAN help with that and that is easy fixed if only i take the medication. got me by surprise a bit...

maybe he is feeling frustrated with me. like i'm wasting his time. keeps talking about 'time limited'. maybe he can't wait for me to leave. i don't know. only time he picks up is with the little kid feelings. i don't feel okay about that though... i know this is coming from me but... i don't want to feed his sense of power / control... maybe that is why he likes that aspect. does that make sense? feel a bit scared. too tired in the morning (only 3 hours sleep before therapy) and his face starts dripping black. i get scared sometimes. don't know what to say. sorry.

Wow! That does sound like a weird experience. I hope you and him can work through whatever it is that is going on. Feel free to bring notes and read to him if it helps.
Does your insurance limit the amount of sessions ("time limited")? Did you asked what that meant? Good luck on everything.

Maybe you need to find someone that doesn't say . Time is
limited. It does sound very wierd,I personally do not go
to therapy. I felt like I didn't have much to say.Did not
help my depression along with med's.

I hope you can find someone you feel that you click.
Someone that understands you.

Please take care.

Thanks guys. The weird thing is that time is limited because it is likely that I'll be moving on when I finish up my studies. I'm not sure why he keeps saying it... Maybe because he is trying to introduce the topic so I tell him a little something about how I feel about it? Could be that. I just... Would rather avoid the topic (as is my way) than talk about it. Embarrassing. For him to see something of how upset I'm going to feel. Embarrassing.

We do get on pretty well really. I think it is mostly about how tired I feel when I go. I'm really so tired that I'm almost dreaming when I'm awake. Super dooper sensitive. Hallucinating a little. Intense feelings. Intense feelings that he is malevolent etc that are coming from a dreaming place I think. Somatic memories or something. Fear / paranoia is much much worse in the space between sleeping and waking...

There is something about... Needing someone when they don't need you. Really caring a great deal about someone when they really don't care a great deal about you. Expressing vulnerability to someone when they aren't correspondingly vulnerable with you. Hard for me.

We talked a little about how I apologise a lot. He asked me what that was about. I said sometimes it is that I'm trying to indicate that I'm aware that I've done something that isn't optimal and I mean to indicate that I'm aware of that and will endevour not to do it again. E.g., I was about 5 or 10 minutes late to last session because I missed the bus and I apologised for being late. But other times it is about... Appeasement, I guess. Trying to prevent upset. Seeking a little reassurance. I said about how I used to apologise a lot to my mother to try and get her to calm down and I wasn't really sure what I was apologising for a lot of the time. He asked if I have ever felt like he has been mad at me. I shook my head. I don't think he has been... I don't worry about him getting mad and losing it and assaulting me. I do worry about him feeling frustrated / annoyed / sick of me and wishing he didn't have to see me anymore, though. I didn't tell him that. Didn't occur to me at the time.

In the funny space between sleeping and waking...

Power and control. I have issues around power and control. Sometimes I do convey weakness. Appeasement. Trying to minimise the damage others will inflict. Trying to minimise the pain. Othertimes I do convey power and control. Untouchability. Trying to minimise the damage others will inflict. Trying to minimise the pain. Not sure how it is determined which strategy I will adopt.

My parents didn't love me. I created this idealisation of my father. my father loved me. I had to believe that. But of course he didn't love me. Nobody did. The only people who showed an interest in me wanted to sleep with me or have some kind of sexual contact with me. I don't do intimacy. If people feel close then I panic. Panic. Have to shove them away hard. Can't let people in. Can't let them be close. Don't know how to love. Don't know how to allow others to love me. Untouchable. Unreachable. I feel... Broken. Lonly. So lonly. But if I let someone in then when they extract themself I'll explode into a billion different pieces. The terror will take over. The black lines and the distorted shapes. Functioning will disintegrate. Longings for death will consume me. I'm not safe.