[fenharel]

Hello,

I guess the best way to start is by explaining my specific brand of mental illness. I had my first panic attack at 10, was officially diagnosed with GAD at 11, was diagnosed with MDD and started seeing a psychologist at 14, and was first put on anti-depressants at the age of 15.

I've had a very, very long struggle with medication. I've been on over ten different types of medication - there have been periods of time where I've been trialling one after the other so quickly that I've lost count of the exact number - and I seem to have some more unusual reactions to medications.

I think the worst reaction I ever had to one was when my two psychiatrists (yes, two, the place I was at at the time was a ****-show, speaking frankly, and I ended up laying a formal complaint on their conduct) put me on quetiapine (seroquel). I had your standard black box reaction, my mood worsened, and each time my mood worsened they would increase the dose. I ended up nearly taking my own life, and it was pure chance that I was caught out before I could follow through with it.

I've had all sorts of reactions, ranging from extreme paranoia to rapid weight gain, and the ones that I haven't reacted badly to either didn't work, or lost their effects very quickly. I struggled to find a medication that would continue to work for me.

The very first medication I was ever tried on, citalopram (celexa), is to date the only one that has consistently worked for me, though it's effects on my depression are limited. Finally, after six years of experimentation, my GP and I agreed to just stick with citalopram rather than deal with the trial and error method we'd been going through for so long, at my insistence.

Except... Recently, I had a discussion with a workmate, who has very long history with mental illness and medications herself. We were talking about my 'brain fog', my overall sleepiness and inability to concentrate, and she commented on the fact that it might be a side-effect of the citalopram.

Well. Now that she's pointed it out, I have no idea how I didn't consider the possibility earlier. For starters, I've learned so much about medications over the last six years that I could practically write a paper from memory alone, and adding the fact that I'm studying psychology... It does make sense.

Put simply, for as long as I can remember I have dealt with issues around what I often describe as 'trying to think through cream cheese'. I've had difficulties with my tendency to have my head in the clouds for years, so for a while my GP and I were actually considering the possibility that I had the inattentive form of ADHD (which would fit, considering what I was like as a child), but following this discussion with my workmate and a recent lecture on the biology behind mental illness and effects of SSRI's... I realised something.

I don't remember who I was before anti-depressants. In the last six years, the only times I have been med-free were during phase-out periods. Because of this, I've lost the ability to tell where my mental illness & medication effects end, and I begin. This frustrates me, beyond belief.

I (at risk of sounding arrogant) am generally a very intelligent person. I taught myself to read at 3, started school already reading chapter books, and was notorious through my childhood for being an incredibly bright person. When I think of when this began to change, I can pinpoint it to when my depression began to really intensify - which was shortly after I started medication trials, as a result of near-constant panic attacks.

Which came first? Was the brain fog, lack of concentration, apathy and complete loss of motivation something that came about from the depression? Or was it a side-effect from the medication, and something that was mistaken for symptoms of depression? I can't remember who I was before all of this began, and now that I'm aware of it, I can't stop thinking about it.

I want to know who I am without the medication. And the more I think about it, the more I want to go in and talk to my GP about coming off my meds.

However. There are a few issues.

Firstly, as I mentioned, I am studying psychology at university, and the inevitable dip I'm going to suffer from when the withdrawals start to kick in is not going to be pretty, particularly with my history. I also work part-time, so trying to find time where I can withdraw without ruining my school and work lives is going to be difficult.

Secondly, I do still suffer from anxiety, and the one thing I love most about citalopram is how it almost completely eliminates my panic attacks. I know that symptoms intensify following SSRI discontinuation, and the thought that I might have to deal with huge amounts of panic and anxiety for upwards of two weeks is, frankly, terrifying.

Thirdly, while I am curious about what I'm like without meds... It also scares the **** out of me. I have no idea what my mental health will be like once I come off, and even if the symptoms worsen before they get better, I'm not sure what that end result is going to look like.

No matter what I decide, I am going to have a chat with my GP about all of this, particularly if I decide to come off my meds (I know better than to go cold turkey, and she's always been great for supporting my choices). But it would be nice to get some feedback from people who might have been in this kind of situation, particularly because some older members of the site may have dealt with something very similar to this before.

I'd love to hear what your experiences were like, particularly if you had similar experiences on citalopram or some other form of medication. How did you deal with coming off your meds?

I know this was a long post, thank you for sticking with me.