In your opinion, would meds be helpful?

Past psychiatrists have diagnosed me with bipolar disorder or schizoaffective d/o and tried me on a million different meds*, and, yeah, some have "helped" by making me so tired, dulled, and without any drive that I of course didn't get into any trouble. Some times. Then I'd get used to them and the side effects would go away and I'd learn to "operate" at "baseline" (???) and I'd go back to manic-like behavior (mostly impulsivity, hyperactivity, and paranoia, not sleeping but that might've been PTSD because I have all those other symptoms for months now but I'm sleeping fine just with weird hours). In the past year or so they said I have BPD which seems to be more of a problem than bipolar (maybe the only problem?)

I've been without meds for a few months now, and I've been a shyt show, but I don't think I've been more dysfunctional than when I was on meds, just now I don't have akathisia, no unexplained weight gain (I have gained though but switched from restricting to binging/purging so...) can experience pleasure, and only want to kill myself half the time.

I will say with actually feeling things, I've been in more trouble (got arrested, got an STD, made two suicide attempts, was in the hospital after three straight weeks of drug use, drinking, and traveling halfway down the east coast with a stranger while dissociated of the total black out kind but some memories are coming back). Some times I'm handling it better though. I might just not care though. (I've also been working on connecting thoughts, emotions, and physical sensations that were previously disconnected due to complex trauma, so that also is causing actually having emotions along with not being on meds that docs cranked up to high doses because I was "treatment resistant")

*before you say "you just haven't found the right meds," I have tried:
Seroquel, geodon, abilify, vraylar, fanapt, saphris, clozaril, latuda, zyprexa, invega, risperdal, thorazine, haldol, fluphenazine, lexapro, lithium, depakote, tegratol, trileptal, lamotrigine, amoxapine, zonegran, prozac, doxepin, effexor, cymbalta, every benzo, propranolol, prazosin, gabapentin, topamax, and mirtazapine. And in various combos as whoever tf I was seeing at the time saw fit.

So basically the good times are better and the bad times are worse. I just started therapy again and don't have a pdoc. Obviously my therapist doesn't know me well enough to really have a good discussion with me on this yet, and I feel it's on me to decide if I should push to get in with a med-provider or not.

I mean, I've survived the past few months so... I'm leaning towards I don't need them. But it hasn't been pretty; I'm a good example of what not to do, but I feel like if I just chose to do better I can do better without a pill or ten.

I don't know man, just thinking through things and looking for insight and other things to consider.

They might be effective but you need to eat properly and abstain from all drugs and alcohol or they aren’t going to help. Given your impulsive behavior and the fact you live where drugs and alcohol are available I’d say no. Also you might use them to OD. It would be helpful if you could find a sober living situation

Good point.

My last case manager said sober living wouldn't be a good fit for me though. Firstly, I didn't go straight there from rehab and relapsed in the time between and (she said, I don't know how true this is. She didn't have a perfect record of having accurate information) everywhere would make me go through detox and rehab again. I don't need detox and then to spend 30-90 days in rehab again, I've drank twice that I know of in months and just used other stuff when I went down south and I don't even remember leaving NH. Secondly, I wouldn't be able to afford it. She said I'd probably be kicked out quickly, too, because of all the strict rules, requirements, and expectations. Honestly, probably true. It's not like we would stay there all the time, and it's not like I'd be perfect in every way 100% of the time when I was.

I don't know where I can reasonably go where I can avoid substances though.

Your list of meds sounds like mine. Although I don't have a substance abuse issue (thank God cause I have more than enough issues) I really think meds would help. Not sure what meds...I've been trying different mixtures for years. I'm finally "sort of stable" at the moment but that changes in a heartbeat. If you could find sober living whose rules you could follow and get a good med doc I think it would help a lot. Have you looked into intensive outpatient ? They'll usually treat substance abuse along with BPD or whatever.

If everyone could just "choose" to do better, nobody would have any problems. Its not your choice to abuse drugs....its an illness. Any mental health issues you have aren't your choice either. Be easy with yourself, but do what you need to do to stay safe/healthy.

So true. I hate it when people (irl) throw out that ''choose'' ****. Good post.

A lot of my actions DO feel like choices though. At least at first. When I got drunk last week, I could've sooo could've just not had that first drink. Then it was harder but I lasted a week and yesterday I drank much more, and right now I'm on multiple substances including a crap load of alcohol and I don't even know how I'm not more fked up with everything I've knowingly taken plus whatever I unknowingly have taken.

When I binge I KNOW if I just say "chill, Muddy, you have control. If you take that first bite, you will think you're out of control and continue." I could totally avoid purging after if I didn't let the shame of being a disgusting, gluttonous POS and the terror of gaining a lot of weight consume me.

In relationships, if I just take 5 seconds to pause and think about the situation with wise mind (have not mastered yet), I probably wouldn't have issues in that department. I KNOW in my current romantic relationship it's unhealthy how I put them on a pedestal while feeling worthless and undeserving and then a little comment that isn't even a direct insult will send me spiraling and in a rage. The fact I think they're having sex with other people, and that I am, also is probably a warning sign. Logic side. Ignored. Emotion side=fear of abandonment and feeling euphoric when they show affection. Only side considered in all decisions with this relationship. I could actually work on seeing the rational side of things and putting it together with emotional brain. Do I though? No

When I get calls from my treatment team, I choose not to answer, and when they leave a message saying to call back, I choose not to.

When it comes to self-harm of both the non-suicidal and suicidal nature, I choose not to reach out before or try to use coping skills/distract myself.

Because I am a shytty person. I hurt others, cause unnecessary concern, and hurt myself. I have these urges and just give in without fighting them. Sometimes other people call me strong, but I feel like if I were strong, I'd put up a fight and win the impulses before they become needs.