[anna342]

I feel like just quitting and saying 'i'm done' with meds.

Since forgetting to take my meds when I went away for a few days and experiencing withdrawal, it has opened my eyes to what they are doing to me.

These drugs are having a huge effect on chemicals in my brain. Changing my mood, personality and who I really am.

I feel go through feeling overly tired, heading towards manic, bingeing and feeling sick all at different times due to these drugs in my body.

It just doesn't seem right to me.

I know I should speak to my doctor before coming off anything. But I wonder, what does the real me want? What should I believe, as there is science to support both sides of the arguement.

Do I want to come off, deal with my real emotions and risk my moods becoming lower, behaviour becoming more impulsive and dangerous but all to make me feel more at one with myself and to know what is really me again. Along with possibly feeling ok once withdrawal has gone. Or do I continue the meds, continue putting these chemicals inside me to keep going on this never ending path of not knowing what is best?

I don't want to, and find it hard to accept that I may make a wrong decision.

I've been on over 10 different meds over the past 18months and I feel like they've all done something to me, but do I want to be changed?

Has anyone else made this decision? Any ideas would be appreciated.

[Christina86]

Oh ((((((((((((((Anna))))))))))))))))

Boy, do I totally understand this thought process and decision. I've only gone through 3 different meds (one med twice though) since last October when I started ADs.

You're *painfully* aware of how you feel when you experience some withdrawal. You're like HUH? As if you don't realize the impact they have on your system. But if you get a clear moment after withdrawal is finished, you wind up either feeling more "normal" or more "crazy" because you're not used to your "normal" (non-medicated) self ... Sometimes I wonder if I'll forever be stuck on ADs because my mood swings (depression) can be brutal otherwise... but I don't even have a chemical imbalance, I'm situationally depressed. So then you're stuck imagining whats happening to your brain and how its forever being changed - for the better, or for the worse depending on your perspective. But if you're *on* the drugs, on a good day you feel real and "normal" but on another day... you feel like you're in a drugged-up stupor.

It's a hard decision to make.

Some people work out really well not on ADs. Even those with chemical imbalances, or another mental illness. They use just therapy, or who knows what... and they claim/seem happy and well adjusted. Some people are med-resistant, so even if they'd like to be on a med, none will work on them - so they're stuck essentially being miserable (although there are many other options available, like ECT or light therapy and don't forget regular therapy).

Some people are realllllllly happy on meds. Essentially they don't feel like they can live without them. Otherwise they'd be in a big rut or dealing with too much bad stuff. So they'd trade some side effects of meds for a little bit of peace of mind.

I'd still suggest talking to your doctor. You could decide to go off of your drugs for 3-4 months (or less if you can't deal) and see if you like it better without drugs in your system. But it takes a while for the drugs to entirely leave your system though... probably a full month would be a safe bet.

But if your current meds aren't working for you, definitely talk to your doctor about other med options, or other non-med options if there are any to help you out.

Hope that helps some.

[ECHOES]

Yes, I wanted to see what I was like after 10 years of meds. What was underneath there? What could I do about it if I knew, and how could I do something if I didn't know?
I was at the point I couldn't cry and felt like a 'good cry' would make me feel better. It concerned me that I couldn't cry and hadn't even realized it.

So I went off the AD and the Neurontin and later chose therapy instead.

I realize now that the meds were making me emotionally flat. That might have been a good thing at one point, a way to feel better and function, but I wondered if I could find other ways. Many ways of doing things, after all, I thought.

I now use an occasional Xanax but take no med on a regular basis and nothing that zaps my brain. I don't take it every day or sometimes even every week; I've rarely finished a prescription before it was time to renew. I have a drug history that I am upfront about with all my doctors. My doctor trusted me as I am older now although he said he would monitor the usage and would not prescribe it again if I misused it. Sometimes, for panic/anxiety, it is just knowing I have it with me that' helps and I don't even have to take it. Other times I take a bit, a quarter or an eighth of a .5mg.

I'm learning to deal with all the emotions I hadn't learned to regulate. I'm glad to be getting the chance to learn that--a missed life lesson.

[anna342]

Thank you both for your replies. At the moment I'm thinking I would like to possibly come off meds altogether for a while, but be open to going back on if things go downhill.

But then even just writing this now, I get pretty bad even with the meds, I don't know if I should.

I will definatly talk to my psychiatrist, maybe come to some sort of plan with them. But then we only just agreed on trying efexor, I feel like now i'm on the max dose I should give it more of a chance.

Oh I don't know. :-/