[mixedup_emotions]

I was able to suppress my anxiety and fear with a goal of being emotionally detached from the topics in the session. It ended up being VERY good because T felt that I was not ready to delve into some of the higher anxiety causing issues, considering everything that's going on and what I'm working on.

Here's a recap, based on the notes I posted earlier....

- Summary of recent events with my husband - the continuing cycle of his abusive pattern - and how things were handled, how I felt, how I now feel....

T said that I was assertive and self-aware. He even said WOW in such a non-T tone about something I said to my husband...that he is the only one that can control his actions and to only come to me with valid issues or concerns. T feels that I've really "found my voice" in such a short time and that it's very good.

- A question about something T said to me last week - that he said he was forceful with me early on in therapy because he was fearful. I want to know what he was fearful of - because I don't see my husband as "dangerous".

T explained to me that because I have been in this relationship for so long, I've become accustomed to the behaviors so that it doesn't seem so harmful or dangerous to me. Considering he has seen so many people in his profession, he is able to identify based on his experience. My husband's behavior exhibits a high potential for violence. He said that my husband is very unstable and feels no regret for his actions, almost anti-social in a way.

- How to move forward after being in a dysfunctional relationship my entire adult life....I fear ending up in a similar situation.

T said that he feels like I am moving forward - rapidly - and that it takes most people months to do what I've accomplished in weeks. He pointed out some key highlights of what he's recognized as changes in me.

- How I felt and feel about disclosing past SA to him...and how it took days for me to block it from my mind (acknowledging that blocking it is not getting through it).

T said that our mind tells us when we've had enough of fear and "puts it away". He said he should have warned me about how I might feel after disclosing the SA to him. I was not prepared for the aftermath of anxiety. He said that he does not think I should take on too much too soon and that when I'm ready to address the SA and work through it, I will know...and we can set aside time during a session to work on it.

- How I have always been self-conscious and am extremely uncomfortable with being touched.

T feels that I will be continuing to work on developing interpersonal relationships on emotional, physical, sexual and intellectual levels - but that it may take some time for me to feel safe.

- My tendency to try to figure out how to blame myself for things, feelings of insecurity. Raised a comment that someone in Group said that bothered me.

T said that it is not uncommon for people pleasers, those who do not want to hurt others, to feel the way I do. We talked a bit about this.

- How do you know when a memory is real or not?

T said again that we can address this when I'm ready. He said that many times, people tend to only remember bits and pieces of a traumatic experience, but as you work through it, more pieces come back and feelings surface that tend to validate the experience.

- Why do I feel so strongly about not wanting a female T?

Something to address at another time.

All in all, it was a wonderful session. It seems as though he feels that I am taking on too much too soon, so he doesn't want to rush me into working on deeper issues just yet. Especially since I'm not yet through the crisis of "the current".

I feel REALLY good right now....

[rainbow8]

I am very happy for you! It does sound like a productive, amazing session!!!

[phoenix7]

What a great session!!! well done you for settng the agenda! and well done T for answering your concerns

[darkrunner]

Good job, (((((((Mixed Up)))))))
It sounds like your T really cares about you.
Your effort is awesome!

Hang on to the good feeling.......

[mixedup_emotions]

Of course, shortly after my session, my husband started acting manic...texting me, "You can kiss my arse....I rule the roost, tighty".....shortly before he was going to spend some time with our daughter...and I panicked...So, I called T.

I know he wants me to make my own decisions and not have to rely on him....but I REALLY wanted him to help me at that particular time. He asked me what I wanted to do. I said that I wanted to call my husband to try to calm him down, so that our daughter would not be with him in this frame of mind. But, that only prolongs supporting his pattern. My other option was to not back down which could ultimately lead him to being in an angry, manic frame of mind when with our daughter - which is not good for her.

T said he didn't know what I should do - one way seems to handle the short term, the other more long term. I told him I didn't know what I was going to do, but thanks for listening.

Grrr.

I ended up thinking long term and did not back down to my husband. I told him that if he was not going to be civil and respectful, then we will have the courts determine his visitation. He called me, angry that I would even suggest involving the courts. And I told him I was not going to tolerate his behavior. If you act decent, then you get the same in return. If you act like an arse, you will stop dealing with me and will have to deal with a lawyer and a judge. I'm done with the bs.

He ended up canceling his dinner date with our daughter (supposedly working late)....He'll try for tonight instead.

I feel great about my T appointment, but I obviously still have a loooooong way to go with dealing with my husband and his instability. I wish he would just leave me alone.

[phoenix7]

its difficult breakin these ties - you did a great job of standing up fr yourself and your daughter - dont be so hard on yourself.

take care of yourself

[peaches100]

(((Mixed Up)))

What a GREAT session!! I'm sorry about the continuing stress with your husband though. Is he bipolar? Is he on meds for it?

[mixedup_emotions]

Originally Posted by peaches100

(((Mixed Up)))

What a GREAT session!! I'm sorry about the continuing stress with your husband though. Is he bipolar? Is he on meds for it?

Thanks....

My T suspects he is bipolar...but I do not know the official diagnosis from his psychiatrist and his T. Yes, he is on meds now...Paxil and Xanax...but his patterns haven't changed at all. *sigh* I'm just trying to make it less a part of my life.

[Sannah]

Wow MUE, you are an accomplisher!

[mixedup_emotions]

Thanks, Sannah!

I am trying so hard to be.....doing what I know is right, even when my gut and my heart are saying otherwise (because I know my gut and my heart are deceiving me at times). I am trying to be strong even when I feel weak.

It is exhausting.

Tonight, my husband stopped by the house to pick up some things and was here for about 2 hours packing up stuff. We talked briefly. There were moments when he started to delve into sexual content (part of his pattern) and I stopped him dead in his tracks. I wasn't tolerating it.

I then noticed that he wasn't wearing his wedding ring. I probably shouldn't have said anything (moment of weakness I guess), but I told him I noticed that and that it's good that he is moving forward. He then noticed that I was still wearing my rings and immediately started getting upset. He wanted to go to his car and put his ring back on. I told him not to do that. There was no point in doing that.

When we were packing up his car, he did put the ring back on. I told him that it does not symbolize a change in a different direction. The marriage is still over, that's not going to change. He said, "Because you gave up on us"....I said, "Yes, I did".....and we left it at that.

When I came in the house, I just started bawling my eyes out. I can't see myself taking the rings off. When I look at them, I remember the days we were in love....our wedding day....the day our daughter was born....all these memories flooding back in. It's so hard to walk away from that.

This is all part of the grieving process. I am aware of it. And I can't let the feelings interfere with the progress I am making. Being an adult is hard, because you can decide to change your mind. I'm not doing that. I can't.



I know this all belongs on the relationship board....or the divorce & separation board...or heck, even the grieving board....but I want it here. I hope nobody minds.

[searchingmysoul]

(((((((((((mixed up))))))))))))

I am so sorry for all you are going through.