[mixedup_emotions]

I was sooooo not in the room....

I couldn't concentrate on anything anyone said. I apologized, saying that I am trying to get "in the room" but I'm struggling with it. I gave some feedback to people on things, but very very little. Not like me at all.

I just couldn't get the panic out of my system about everything going on with my husband....and then right before the session, I witnessed something that triggered something extremely traumatizing. So, I couldn't concentrate on anything other than that....And, I was not in a place mentally to be able to address it in group.

It was noticed by practically everyone in the room. One person actually broached it with me, saying that he noticed that I am upset, and he tried to get me to talk. I told him that I am too triggered and upset and don't want to talk about it right now.

Then, at the end of the session, a newbie who has only been in group maybe a month said that the most impactful part of the night was the fact that I was so quiet - and that she looks to me for my voice, and I didn't have it tonight.

On the one hand, I felt awful not being able to live up to an expectation...but on the other hand, it felt good that someone cared. Another person said that I've said so much about my life and things that I've gone through - and that it worries him that I won't talk. Another sign of impact and caring.

So, I guess, all in all, I'm disappointed in myself that I couldn't get out of the funk....and couldn't be the person that everyone looks to me to be.....but attending group tonight showed me that people do care.

It was my husband's T's last session in our group, and he gave everyone hugs goodbye.....When he gave me a hug, I told him he could tell my husband to leave me the hell alone. I feel bad that I said that now, because I value what his T has contributed to our group. I did voice a lot of that to him last week - so I know he knows. But I felt it was my last opportunity to tell his T something impactful about how I feel about my husband.

[googley]

It isn't always bad to be in group, even if you are not totally there. It sounds like people wanted to support you. About what you said to your H's T, I think that he would understand and you shouldn't feel bad. That is his job. Take care and I hope you feel better.

[phoenix7]

Sounds like you did the best you could - im glad you saw that people care about you - and we do you know

your husbands T wil understand -

and you know what - you dont have to live up to other peoples expectations - you only have to live up to being you - thats enough