[darkrunner]

Does anyone else's T talk too much? And about other clients?
The first T I saw talked a lot about other clients. Just in an anonymous sense - no names or other identifying info.
I thought it was strange and inappropriate, and it ended up being one of the reasons I dumped him.

But now the T I have been seeing for 4 months is doing the same thing!

Just today she went into a long, drawn-out description of a couple she has been seeing for 7 YEARS (!!!) (I didn't even know she did couples counseling) - and how the husband did some really bad things (and spent $150,00 doing so), and the wife only stayed with him to make his life miserable, and how the wife would physically pummel the man at the beginning and T had to end the sessions early, and now they are the best communicators, blah blah blah blah blah - on and on and on.

I mean, yes, her stories are meant to be an example for me to learn from, I guess. But it really bothers me!
And tonight when I was thinking about it I wondered if she ever talked about ME to her other clients?

I know if it is bothering me I should bring it up to her, but I just really really can't. I would be afraid it would come off as me criticizing her.

I just wondered if this was a common thing - anyone?

[deliquesce]

my pdoc does this, and my old T used to do this, also. but in a very anonymous way, and never with any real sort of identifying detail. e.g., pdoc might say he has another client working through similar stuff as me, and this is what has helped her. or old T would tell me about how different clients worked with him (some wouldn't shut up, some had to be coaxed to nod/shake their head in response to a question).

but neither of them would have ever said something as in as much detail as what you've described here. i would be pretty uncomfortable about that level of disclosure, too.

my current T tells me a lot about himself, and his own (past) issues, but i appreciate that because it's intended to help, and he's only disclosing about himself.

i think you're right in that you should probably bring it up, but i'm scratching my head about how to do so. i would probably wait until the next time it happened, and then say something like "i hope you don't tell your other clients that much about me". i still think that's kind of imperfect though...

hopefully others will chip in with other (better!) ideas! i agree that it's an awkward situation you are being put in.

[googley]

Hi KT,
I didn't have the exact same problem w/ my T (she wasn't talking about other clients), instead she overloaded a session with questions when I was trying to work really hard on bringing a topic up for discussion. I didn't feel that I could break in and stop the questions so I just kept answering her questions. Another session I brought it up with her. She was really receptive to what I needed from her and ever since then she makes sure that I don't have anything I want to talk about before she starts asking questions. It was really hard to bring it up with her because I was afraid that she wouldn't take it well. But she took it really well and told me that any time she did something that I found was interfering with my T that she wanted to know. I would assume that your T would be the same way. It is their job to do what you need (and not to do what you don't need). She may not realize that she is going on and on and might welcome the constructive criticism. If she can't deal with that, it is her problem not yours. Good Luck!

[sunrise]

ktgirl, yes, my T shares about other clients, in a completely anonymous way. They are always examples that are directly relevant and have been helpful to me. For example, when I told my T about an adult male ego state I had been talking with, I felt so aberrant and weird. I was OK with myself having ego states who were younger versions of me, but an adult male I knew nothing about? I thought he would think I had gone off the deep end. But he shared stories about other clients and their ego states and I came to see how normal it was. Other times he has shared stories with my H and me about other couples and how they moved successfully through divorce. These examples inspire. I would love it if T shared a specific instance from my own situation with other clients and we have discussed this. I think this is really cool, because in this way I can help others, and also, I will "live on" for T even after I leave therapy, because he will be using my story with other clients. I love that part.

I think if you are uncomfortable hearing about other clients, you probably just need to mention it and your T will stop.

[ECHOES]

No, T can say all she wants to say without refering to an acutal person. I can't imagine her ever refering to another patient as an example. She would simply talk about the idea with needing to bring the specific person into it.

Like with anything our T's do that doesn't feel good to us, this is something to talk to T about

T never tells me about his other clients, unless I ask. I will ask things like "have you ever worked with someone like me? did they get better? what's the longest you've ever seen anyone for therapy?" etc.

I do know FOR SURE that if I was afraid that T was talking about me (anonymously) to his other clients, I would tell him it bothered me and ask him if he could please not do it. I already know that he used an idea I had for my own therapy with another client, and I HATE that he did it (because I am so immature!).

I don't think she will be hurt or angry if you bring it up with her, ktgirl. I think, like Sunny said, you probably just need to mention it and she will stop.

[darkrunner]

Thanks, everyone, for your replies....
It helps to know I am not the only one. I was beginning to be really paranoid about it, feeling like my Ts talk about other clients because I am such a bore and they DON'T want to talk about me.
But it helps knowing that other Ts do this.
I know I should bring it up, but I'm not sure I have the courage.
I don't see her again until Tuesday so I have some time to think about it.

Deli - It makes me feel better to hear you say that it is an awkward situation. Sometimes it is so hard to know if it is ME, or if there really is something screwy. But it helps to know other people's Ts/Pdocs do this too. My T usually doesn't go into SO much detail. IDK - maybe she was having a bad day yesterday.

Googley - I think you're right about bringing it up with her....and she has told me that I should be honest with her about what works and what doesn't work, and if she is wrong about something, and if she made a joke at the wrong time, etc etc. She would probably she would be totally open to this kind of feedback. But I am such a WIMP!
Thanks for your encouragement. You were brave to bring that up with T! I wish my T would ask me more questions when I am not so talkative, instead of doing so much talking herself.

Sunrise - You said that the examples your T uses about other clients 'inspire' you. This makes sense, and I'm not sure why I don't feel that way. It is more of an annoyance for me, and kind of makes me feel like she doesn't want to talk about ME, so she is talking about her other clients. Maybe in some way I am taking it as a rejection.
I like that you said you will 'live on' in therapy. I think that is true, and that all your hard work and accomplishments will be an inspiration for someone else.

Thanks Echoes.....I kind of agree - the example could be given without referring to a specific person. But why does she do it then?
And many times she talks about clients that went through something much more horrifying than I did.......and THAT makes me feel inadequate and self-serving.

Treehouse You are not immature - I would have been a little upset about that if my T used a therapy idea of mine for another client. Maybe he should have at least asked your permission to do so.
Last week I told my T about an idea I had for dealing with a discipline issue with my son, and she asked me if it was ok if she gave the idea as a suggestion to other clients. Totally not the same situation, but still...
The only question I have asked my T about other clients was if she had worked with anyone who had gone through the same thing I have. She said no, she hasn't. That was fine, and I really don't want to know anymore, but she keeps bringing it up!

[Sannah]

KT, everything that your T does should be for your benefit whether talking about an example or her own self disclosure. This does sound annoying! Maybe comment "what do these people have to do with me?"?????

My tdoc occasionally mentions other clients completely anonymously and always to make a point. It doesn't bother me at all. And I know for a fact that he has talked about me with some of his other clients because I am a teacher and he has some of my students as clients. It really doesn't bother me though.

[darkrunner]

Thanks Sannah...
That's a good suggestion for handling it, rather than bringing it up out of the blue as an 'issue'.......if I can just get the courage to say it.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by ktgirl

if I can just get the courage to say it.

What would hold you back from saying it (what thoughts and feelings)?

[Amazonmom]

She only tells me anecdotes about other clients when she thinks it will help me, or clarify a point she is making. She only says what's necessary. She thought one story she told me would help, but it has scared the hell out of me. I don't think she meant for me to spend three hours after the session crying. I will probably bring it up today at session.

She does disclose more about herself than about her other clients. The T and I share a lot of similarities. I probably wouldn't have opened up to her as quickly without the disclosures. I wonder if there is a little bit of counter transference going on sometimes, but I don't think it's causing a problem. My T wouldn't have the reputation she does if she was making it all about her needs LOL.

That being said....I really wish she would talk more! Then I can just listen to her talking instead of dealing with the icky stuff inside my head But she knows when I am just trying to avoid the subject, and then I end up talking. GRRRR

[darkrunner]

Originally Posted by Sannah

What would hold you back from saying it (what thoughts and feelings)?

I don't want her to think I am being critical. I don't want to make her feel like she has to be careful of what she says in front of me. I don't want her to feel like I don't appreciate her efforts. I don't know, this all probably sounds really stupid.

Amazonmom - Thank you for sharing that.
Interesting that you wish your T would talk more....I wish mine would talk less. I don't always know what to say or where to start, and I wish she would ask me more questions and push me to work harder. And I don't want to know anything about her personal life either.

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by ktgirl

And many times she talks about clients that went through something much more horrifying than I did.......and THAT makes me feel inadequate and self-serving.

I totally get that. My T said a few times the first year of therapy, "you are better than 90% of the clients who walk through my door," or something like that and I just shuddered inside when he said that. To me, it meant he didn't see me as needing therapy, that he had so much needier people to work with and I was taking up time that he could be spending with people who really needed his help. I finally told him how his comments made me feel and he explained that he hadn't meant that at all. He had meant that I was better able to do therapy because I am a very direct and forthcoming communicator, and he said many people take a long time in therapy to be able to communicate effectively. So he didn't think I didn't need therapy at all compared to those other people! ktgirl, if you speak up about these things, maybe your T can similarly explain what she means by sharing those things, and it might not be what you think.

I don't want her to think I am being critical. I don't want to make her feel like she has to be careful of what she says in front of me. I don't want her to feel like I don't appreciate her efforts.

You could include those very comments in your discussion of the issue with her, e.g. "I don't want you to think I'm being critical and I really appreciate your efforts, but I thought you would want to know that when you do X, it makes me feel Y."

[googley]

KT-
You are not a wimp! It is hard to bring things like this up. When I brought up my problem with my T I looked at it as practice at being assertive (one of my major problems) with someone who wont be offended. I started by telling my T that I was worried about what I was going to tell her and her reaction. I think that helped me say something. If you tell her what you don't like, then you could also add what you would like her to do differently (ask more questions). Different people like T different ways and she will know that. I hope you bring it up.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by ktgirl

I don't want her to think I am being critical. I don't want to make her feel like she has to be careful of what she says in front of me. I don't want her to feel like I don't appreciate her efforts. I don't know, this all probably sounds really stupid.

None of these thoughts are stupid. Now you know what is holding you back and what you have to work on..........

[darkrunner]

Farmergirl - That's pretty impressive that you are secure enough that it doesn't bother you. You must really trust your T.

Sunrise said:

ktgirl, if you speak up about these things, maybe your T can similarly explain what she means by sharing those things, and it might not be what you think

Thanks for sharing that example. I know you're right.....that talking to T about it would probably clear things up. But what if it IS what I think?? And what if it makes things worse? It is worse not knowing what she means, or is it worse knowing? Impossible to know up front, I guess....
I like your suggestion of how to say it. Very helpful.....

Googley - thanks for your encouragement. I get what your saying about 'different people like T in different ways.' The funny thing is, several times she has encouraged me to give her feedback - to tell her she's wrong and correct her, to tell her if a joke is not funny, etc. She has sort of said the same thing as you - that people's needs in therapy differ and she can't know what my needs are if I don't tell her. I SHOULD feel comfortable bringing this up!!

Thanks Sannah - you're right. Awareness is the key to begin working on it.

It is so helpful to have all these responses, to know I'm not alone, and to get so many ideas of how to handle it. THANKS, PC friends.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by ktgirl

talking to T about it would probably clear things up. But what if it IS what I think?? And what if it makes things worse? It is worse not knowing what she means, or is it worse knowing?

Knowing what is going on is always best...........