[Martina]

So, in therapy, we are digging up issues from my past, trying to figure out why I am the way I am today. And more and more, we're digging up things that my mother did or didn't do that led to me being the way I am.

And it is starting to scare me, because now I AM a mother, and I am scared to death that I'm going to screw my daughter up for good.

How do I parent her so she turns out okay? I want her to have a good life, and I would NEVER wish my illness on her or anyone. But how do I do it right this time?

I just don't want her talking to a shrink 20 years from now telling them how awful I was.

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by Martina

I am scared to death that I'm going to screw my daughter up for good.

How do I parent her so she turns out okay?

I just don't want her talking to a shrink 20 years from now telling them how awful I was.

I understand those fears. I have two daughters and I would never wish on them my experience of growing up and the kind of relationship I had with my mother. I do try to do the best I can, and many things in my parenting, from day 1, were deliberately "the opposite" of how my mother treated me or how I was raised. Whereas my mother was unloving, I have been loving. Whereas my mother did X, I did Y. Etc. Etc.

Despite all of this effort, I seem to have made different mistakes. I have not been the perfect parent, but I have surely tried hard to do a good job. I hope I haven't screwed up my daughters too badly. I hope if they are going to a therapist in the future that they will come to realize that "mom did the best she could." Through therapy, that's the conclusion I've come to about my own mother. I don't think she was capable of what I needed, and she did do the best she could. I've think I've come to a place of forgiveness when I think of her, and I think the best thing is to extend that same forgiveness to ourselves. Just do the best you can.

[madisgram]

in therapy my t said you never talk about your mother. what type of relationship did you have with her? i thought about it and said i didn't have a realtionship with her! she was just there.
then he asked me why do i think my son turned out so good. i said anything i remembered as a child that didn't feel right that my parents did i just did the opposite! not very scientific but it worked well. i tried to show my son the same respect i wished i had had as a child. his voice needed to be heard even if i chose to discuss him changing a behavior. there are a lot of good books out there...and some very, very bad ones. i'd suggest your checking this site for some reference books.
it sounds like you are a great mom so i'd also suggest you not worry so much. with that much love in your heart, i think you will know the best way to parent....with love.
i hope there's something i've written that eases your mind.

[Michah]

Hi Martina,

I hear ya!!! my mother was horror head so I divorced her for 10 years when I turned 21. I then got pregnant. My son is 14 now and grew up with a mother(me!) who was dx with Borderline personality disorder and Scizoeffective with periods of acute depression and I was extremely violent. I was hypervigilnat, unstable, paranoid and in and out of hospital. I was so medicated I cannot remember when my son first walked, what his first words were or most of the first 7 years of his life. Sometimes I wondered if I was even his mother. All I knew was that if anyone came near him, I would kill them. That was the extent of my parenting skills!!

So I spent ten years, working my guts out in therapy, to NOT become my mother. I truly understand the terror of thinking "My God, save me from becoming my mother". My son has become a compassionate, socially conscious, intelligent human being. He LOVES animals like I do and is very passionate about the environment. He struggles a bit with the stigma of mental illness in general but never with me. He just sees it as part of my make up. As long as I get help when I need it, behave honourably and set a good example, I hope that will be enough. My boy knows I would give up my life for him in an instant, that is enough for him. As for him experiencing stuff in the future.....well I have to give my hypervigilance a rest and TRUST in the process. His school principal knows about me and his Scouts group leader. They are working with me to set up a safety net for my son, so if he falls and I don't get to him first, they will catch him.

Honey, the fact that you are aware of it, means it will never happen. You are a great mum and doing ALL that you can so you do not perpetutae the cycle.......you are doing real well......

[MissCharlotte]

HI Martina,

Yeah, it always goes back to the mother doesn't it? I remember being freaked out over that realization because I am a mother too. I have three children. Well, they're not all kids anymore but anyway.....

I have come to know that realizing the problems is a good thing. It doesn't mean you will be a bad mother. In fact,you are moving in the direction of healing. Without this realization you might be likely to repeat the problems but now that you know you can take action! Mothering our children, whether they are adults or little kids, is a huge challenge that we all take seirously. I know now that I am a much better mother to my youngest than I was to my oldest. But now that I am more aware I can still mother my oldest in a way that is healthier than I did when he was little.
The thing that was the best help to me was reaching out for information on parenting, because I realized I ha no decent role model to guide me.

Peaceout.

PS PC has a parenting chat you might want to join in with any questions you have. It's on Wednesday afternoon with gimmeice.

I also had a mother from hell and when I had my kids I did the opposite as she did and they are now 13 and 14 and really awesome kids. But I also read A LOT of parenting books because I didn't want to mess them up either. All mom's make mistakes but some mom's are abusive and there is a big difference.

One funny thing last night that made me laugh unexpectedly and made Pepsi go up my nose. My daughter is redoing her baby pictures and putting them in a bigger album. She saw pictures of her and my mom and she said that my mom's freaky eyes are scary and she looks like she is evil. Ya, outta the mouths of babes. I laughed so hard, and she said "I am serious!" Well yes, she was even more evil than she looks.
You can be whatever parent you want to be, just the fact you are worrying a bit about it makes me believe you will be a good mom. My mom always said "I don't need to read no parenting book." I wish she did.

[chaotic13]

I am SO afraid of what I might be doing to my kids. I had a good mother. Sometimes during and after therapy I get angry with what my parents did or didn't do. But at the moment, I think they loved me and did the best that they could. I'm sure I was a difficult child to deal with.

Originally Posted by chaotic13

I am SO afraid of what I might be doing to my kids. I had a good mother. Sometimes during and after therapy I get angry with what my parents did or didn't do. But at the moment, I think they loved me and did the best that they could. I'm sure I was a difficult child to deal with.

I feel very much the same way about my parents. They were good parents who did the best they could. Certainly I would have handled the situation differently, but that is with the hindsight of experience. Yes, I have anger towards them though.

I think I'm a good mother also. Probably in ways better than my own mother; in other ways I come up way short. I worry what having a mother who was often depressed and in the hospital will do to my children, but like my own mother, I'm doing the best that I can under my circumstance.

[dalila]

My mother had a mental breakdown when I was a toddler and nearly killed me, she was abusive at times, negectfull at times and caring and loving at times. What she was mostly was inconsistant. I never knew if she was going to reject, ignore or love on me. She had a terrible childhood - her mother broke her fingers and forced her out of school and those were only some of the minor things... she did better with us than her mother had done. I have four children, I did better with them than my mother did with me. It is my prayer and hope that they will do better yet with their children. Abuse has been a family value for many generations in my family. However at least since my mother we have attempted to change that negative value and turn it into a positive value.

No one is perfect all we can do is our best. Surely going to therapy and working on becoming the best we can be has to have a positive effect on our children. My oldest has said that she can see how much I have grown and changed. She tells me that I was and am a good mom and have become a better mom through the ages. Don't give up on yourself and don't fret too much about the future. You only have today. Tomorrow will be the result of what you do today. Each baby step forward adds to the health of tomorrow.

[chaotic13]

Yesterday, my H and I were cleaning the house and my oldest was not being very help. H kind of lost it and started screaming at him. "Your an f'en lazy kid." "I'm going to knock your f'en head off, if you don't start helping." I gave H "the look" and he of course said then said some choice words to be but stopped. Some days I feel like I am doing a good job avoiding the mistakes my paerents made. Then others I realize, I'm only half the equation and just worry.

[searchingmysoul]

For me there is something terribly, differently wounding about my own bad or difficult relationship with my mother vs my bad or difficult relationship with my father. I don't understand the why of it. I do try as much as I can to be a better parent than both of my parents were and are to this day. Everyday is a challenge.

I have a close friend who has a similar familial makeup to mine. We call our therapy adventures attempts at healing the "mother wound". Recently we had a conversation and we agreed that if our children need LESS therapy than we do than we have succeeded. Probably a morbid look at things, but unfortunatly I started parenting before I started really engaging in therapy and getting "parented" in more a loving way. I do believe that what we are not conscious of we a destined to repeat somehow.

(((((((Martina)))))))

Being aware is certainly the first step.

[elliemay]

I had the mother from hell as well (Bipolar, agoraphobic, just terrible). SHe wasn't treated until much later in life.

My brother and I both have problems.

I do wonder sometimes at the amazing array of things people will give themselves permission to do to children, to animals, to people they claim to love. All the while spouting "i'm doing the best I can". It's astounding to me.

Even as a child I knew what my mother was doing was wrong. I didn't have to go into therapy before I realized there were other ways of parenting. If my husband ever threatened to knock my child's head off - well, that would garner much more than a look from me. No child of mine will ever live under the threat of violence. It's just not fair.

Lots of people will say "children are resillient" and that is very true. They are. They can develop elaborate survival strategies to tolerate things, but I want my child to do more than just survive. I want him to thrive.

The last thing I'm worried about is whether or not my child will one day be in therapy talking about me. I'm concerned about his well being, quality of life and development right now. He's so bright, fearless and happy, so unlike me when I was a child.

[searchingmysoul]

(((elliemay))) and (((everyone))) else

I want to apologize for what I wrote here:

Originally Posted by searchingmysoul

Recently we had a conversation and we agreed that if our children need LESS therapy than we do than we have succeeded. Probably a morbid look at things, but unfortunatly I started parenting before I started really engaging in therapy and getting "parented" in more a loving way.

I feel as though it was insensitive and in bad taste. I wish I would have thought it out before I posted it and I am sorry.

[elliemay]

Originally Posted by searchingmysoul

(((elliemay))) and (((everyone))) else

I want to apologize for what I wrote here:

I feel as though it was insensitive and in bad taste. I wish I would have thought it out before I posted it and I am sorry.

SMS,

I never had a mom. However, even now - after all these years, if she came to me with genuine love and caring in her heart, I would welcome her in my life. I personally think the spirit of forgiveness is stronger that people give it credit for being. I think it is especially strong in children.

EM