Wow, I left my appointment angry at T and it just keeps getting bigger and bigger. He knows.

I have ALL of this crap going on with my mom and had a super bad super triggery day yesterday with H, who can be a really mean drunk. T knew about all of that. So, we spent the first 30 minutes or so talking about that stuff and then he brought something else up out of the blue that I had disclosed to him a couple of weeks ago.

He said all of the wrong things and it just kept getting worse and worse. I finally told him that all I REALLY wanted to do today was to connect with him. He actually said that bringing up what he brought up was kind of mean. And he apologized. This was at the very end of session. I told him it was okay, or that I accepted his apology or something, but it didn't "fix" it.

When I left he was totally standing between me and the door. Triggering. We usually hug, which is nice, but I didn't want to today, and I don't like being blocked in. He just stood there and asked "what are you thinking?" and I said "I'm thinking I need to get out of here" and he stepped aside and I left. I slammed the door in the lobby on the way out, SO not something I would normally do. I think I wanted the next clients to know "hey, that guy in there SUCKS"

I KNOW KNOW KNOW that we will work through this. We work through stuff all of the time. I don't care right now. I am so angry.

I told him that with all of this other stuff going on, he basically just gave me something new to add to the big pile of crap. He was like "I know".

I usually love him, but sometimes he seriously, seriously sucks. Like today.

I hate being angry. I don't want to have to work through a big rupture with T, I have too much other stuff going on. This just sucks. Ugh.

[MINIME]

Hug i slammed the door at reg t the other week so unlike me. I know sometimes it is frustrating when they add to rather then help.

[darkrunner]

(((((((((((((((oh, Treehouse)))))))))))))))))))

What is it with T's today? They're supposed to be be helping us!!!
Good grief.

Why can't they be perfect and do all the right things!?!?!?!
FRUSTRATING!!

I'm so sorry you didn't get what you needed from the session. It's good your T apologized but......geesh!!

I wish I could do more, but I am sending a bunch of hugs..

and some smileys

even though I know they don't help.....but I care about you.

All I know is that I want a door to slam dang it! Treehouse I just have to tell you how much I adore you! I am sorry you are hurting so much and that T didn't help you much today and actually made things worse. But what I do like is how you weren't afraid to show your anger, especially at T. I would have loved to have seen his face when you slammed the door! Take THAT you dummy! Well I just think you are awesome and I hope you know that. :-)

Seriously, good for you for telling him that he was basically a jerk for doing that! What does he mean, "I know" - why did he bring it up then? I'm glad you feel comfortable enough with him to know that you'll work it out with him, but how frustrating for you. Hang in there!

[ECHOES]

(((((((((( treehouse )))))))))
WHY do they manage to do these things at the worst possible times!!?
I'm glad you know that you're going to work through it. That's good to know. Still...grrr!

I'm also ANGRY at my T. The Attachment Issue. I'm over it majorly. I'm really glad that yours apologizes and realizes his part in the situation. I think my issue is ALL ME. Long story. (((((((((((Tree))))))))))))))
I hope things get better for you soon!

[coconut64]

(((((((((((((MB)))))))))))))) it sounds like you have a lot on your plate right now, I hope things get better soon. Will you be talking to T tomorrow? I hate it when T is the bad guy in my mind. It seems like lately we're hitting a lot of my triggers so he is the bad guy pretty often these days. It's really hard.

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by treehouse

I don't want to have to work through a big rupture with T, I have too much other stuff going on. This just sucks.

I so totally get that. It seems like "the relationship" rears its ugly head just at the moments when you don't need it.

I don't get angry at my T often, but once in a while... I remember saying once, "I so don't need to be angry at you now," and he said, "more than anything, you need to be angry at me now." WTH did that mean? Sometimes their platitudes are annoying, aren't they?

I think he probably meant we weren't going to make any progress on anything else until I got this out of my system, so we had to deal with it.

Sigh. I hope you can mend this rupture soon, treehouse. I know you have so much going on.

((((((((tree))))))))

i'm so sorry t pissed you off. but it actually is a real sign of health that you can express your anger to t! i bet you could give a fig about that though right now. i hope things work out really quickly with t and life calms down a bit too.

[sittingatwatersedge]

(((((((((((((((((((( dear treehouse )))))))))))))))))))

1. I am so sorry you had to go through that.

2. it's just a thought, but maybe your T deliberately directed your anger toward himself because it is safer for you? You need your relationship with yr H, and don't want to act toward him with anger; you can't vent your frustration on yr mother, because you'd end up beating yourself up for doing it (I know I would); but you can be very angry with T, and even while you are SO SO angry I hear you saying, we will work it through.

I may be on a wrong track there but from what you related of his actions and words, it did seem to be a possibility.
I am sending you sweet peace, dear Treehouse, you need to breathe and hold onto some interior silence and peace.

(((((((((((((((everyone)))))))))))))))))))

T left me a message last night that actually just made things WORSE. I'm torn between going tomorrow and pretending nothing ever happened - because I feel desperate for my safe place and my safe T - and canceling my appointment just to punish him. Typing that out, I see how black and white it is - like the middle would be to show up, and work through what happened. But I don't WANT to. I don't care if it's immature or weak or whatever. It's just how I feel.

I e-mailed him and told him that I felt like he completely put his needs ahead of mine. That he had this thing that he needed to say and it didn't matter to him in that moment if it was the right time for me to hear it. I pointed out that *I* pay *him* and sometimes he just has to sit there and feel uncomfortable. Therapy is about ME. Otherwise, it would be free, and we'd just be friends hanging out, right? I don't know. I DO know that there was literally no reason for him to bring up what he did when he did it. It didn't tie in to what we were talking about or what was going on in the room or anything.

I e-mailed him yesterday. I think if he doesn't e-mail me back I won't show up for therapy tomorrow. That is SO childish and passive agressive - I see that - but I just can't make myself be mature right now.

My younger parts are in a panic - they love T - but I don't know. I just don't think I can do this.

[Mouse_]

Treehouse, Sounds like you have a lot to be angry with at the moment.

[peaches100]

((((((Treehouse))))))

I hate that horrible feeling when t says or does something to trigger right at the end of a session or in between sessions. It leaves things hanging, which ramps up the anger or pain because we can't solve it with them in the moment. Your t usually sounds very good, but it seems like at the moment he's out-of-sync with you. T's say things unintentionally at times that hurt. But from what you posted, it sounds like he knew what he said would hurt you and allowed his own feelings/needs to interfere temporarily. He slipped up and showed one of his weaknesses. I understand why you're feeling hurt and wanting to pull back. But i hope you go to therapy and talk this through like you usually do. He seems like a good t overall.

I left T a not-very-nice-message. It started out with just me telling him my feelings are hurt and I feel confused...and that I have THE most triggery "real life" thing going on in my life right now (my mom)that I've had since starting therapy, and that he seems totally out of tune with me and how I'm feeling. I got angrier and angrier during the message and basically ended with "it's obvious that when you tell me you care for me it's a big ****ing lie. you clearly don't give a **** about me, and the feeling is mutual". Whoa.

The thing is, T and I *do* get along really well, and I *do* think that part of the problem with that is that the therapy gets kind of muddy. I think he has this idea of "treehouse" and that sometimes if what I'm going through doesn't jive with the "treehouse" he loves, he just doesn't get it. Like, he's lazy sometimes. I think he thinks he knows me so well that he doesn't have to really pay attention. Or maybe he was tired yesterday. Or. Who knows.

He DID send me an e-mail after that message saying that he is not ignoring me and that he will respond to me during his break from 2:30 until 3. The bad thing is, our wires are totally crossed - it's like we're not communicating at all right now. So I don't know if what he says will make things better or worse.

I do think I am under a lot of stress and probably directing it more at T than I "should". And I also think at the same time, he's doing kind of a crappy job right now. I think both are true.

[darkrunner]

(((((((((((((((((Treehouse))))))))))))))))))))))

What a crappy situation with T to have to deal with.
But I have to say - I think you're handling it so well.
You are expressing your anger - and that's OK. It's great!
Maybe, as you said, you are also taking out some other stuff on him, but T can handle it.

No matter how angry you get, T will always be there for you and will try his best to help you.
Can you reassure your Littles that you still love T, and that it is OK to be angry, and that anger doesn't have to mean the end of the relationship but an opportunity for it to grow stronger?

And it will grow stronger.....when this is resolved....I'm sure of it.
Hang in there, dear sweet Treehouse.

[pachyderm]

I have to say that I join the group. The group of people -- maybe it's only me -- who hate T and all T's and the entire profession. They have inflicted so much damage that I don't feel I can stand it. I am not one who can express anger, at least not at the ones that I am angry with. I know that is because as a child, expressing anger meant death.