[chaotic13]

I'm a bit down today. Yesterday I had my T session and I really wanted to say THANK YOU face-to-face for the support she provided after last session. I didn't do it. I know there is next session but... IDK just disappointed I guess.I think it is important for me not to continue to miss these opportunities. Just thought I'd let that out :-)

[pegasus]

Well, don't beat yourself up about it. Maybe you could buy her a thank you card and give it to T next time.

[Mouse_]

Originally Posted by chaotic13

I'm a bit down today. Yesterday I had my T session and I really wanted to say THANK YOU face-to-face for the support she provided after last session. I didn't do it. I know there is next session but... IDK just disappointed I guess.I think it is important for me not to continue to miss these opportunities. Just thought I'd let that out :-)

I understand how you feel, loads of time I have wanted to show some kind off apprication, but when it comes to it, I don't. I'm sure it shows in other ways though.

[peaches100]

It's OK. Just shoot for next time!

[chaotic13]

Thanks,

I'm just disappointed with myself. It was just one of those sessions where the door was wide open and I talked about stuff, but didn't REALLY talk about it if you know what I mean. I know I can try again in 2 weeks.

[darkrunner]

I understand Chaotic.
It feels lousy to go into therapy all prepared to say something, and then for some reason it just doesn't happen.
Don't be so hard on yourself, ok?

[Sannah]

Do you understand what held you back?

[chaotic13]

Sannah....no. IDK, a lot happened over the past 2 weeks. Really deep meaning stuff. Stuff I had a lot to say about and reflect on. But instead just laughed off with an..."Wow, isn't that amazing" statement.I really kind of flooded between sessions, drew a lot of things the just gave them to her in a pile. Each one I could spent the hour talking about and exploring...but didn't. I just didn't do therapy well yesterday. I want a mulligan.

[Sannah]

So you had too much to attend to or you were avoiding talking about stuff?

[chaotic13]

Yes, I had a lot to discuss. A lot of good things I wanted to acknowledge so I didn't feel like all I do there is present doom and gloom. I did celebrate two things which I am glad about. I also avoided a main issue...I don't mean to, my brain just can't seem to go there. I try but my head just explodes.

I just don't get how I can sit here and have really deep thoughts and although confusing at times...be OK with them. But the minute I'm sitting on the couch I am dismissing them and acting like I'm some superficial jerk. Its an act. I know it, my T knows it. I'm not fooling anyone, so why continue to deny that stuff really affects me or that some perspective had never occurred to me. I'm just acting dumb and avoiding things.

[ECHOES]

Talking about wanting to tell T, then not, and how that felt, would be an interesting way to start a session

[chaotic13]

Echoes, of course your right...but ohhh. Sitting here tonight that sounds so simple and logical. But for whatever reason things just never seem to flow when I am actually doing it.I feel like I am being very childish. I also know that this is likely because the part of me that is struggling is childish. But this knowledge doesn't make the process any easier. Why is it so hard to say T-H-A-N-K Y-O-U? I don't have trouble thanking someone in other situations, what's the big deal.

Or how hard is it to say, "this issue is really bothering me." I kind of understand why this one is a bit more challenging. I have always struggled with asking for help.but hey, adults can do this.

Here is one thing that came up, where I just totally hit a brick wall and avoided responding at all. One image in the pile that I handed her was clearly related to SA. It wasn't overly graphic but the sexual and violence concepts were there. I've never put these images on paper before so even though it was stuffed in the middle of the pile I knew it was going to catch her eye and be asked about. In fact, I didn't like this drawing and had removed it from my drawing folder several times but then returned it saying to myself, either your sharing all of them or none of them can't just share the ones you like. Well, I felt like I was going to be able to at least say a few things about this image. NOT!

Of course it surfaces and my T says, "tell me about this one." Over the past week I had looked at that picture 20 times before that. On a few of those, I even imagined my T asking me about it and actually whispered to myself responses to see if I could say and tolerate hearing myself say some the thoughts that surfaced when I view it. When she held that picture up during the session...I couldn't even tolerate looking at it. Instantely my throat went ridged, I heard like static rushing in my ears, and it felt like my head was going to explode.I think I may have managed a few audiable words but I'm not even sure about that. We tried to wait for this reaction to clear, but it didn't and we just moved on. I don't know if my T just thinks I refuse to talk about certain things or if she appreciates that... I physically can't. I'm not sure how to move beyond this. I think both my T and I have attempted many different approaches but all have failed...I can't physically talk about certain things.

[ECHOES]

In fact, I didn't like this drawing and had removed it from my drawing folder several times

It is fascinating that you censored your artistic 'expression' like we do our verbal 'expression'.

I hope you can tell her all of your experiences about the nearly not including the drawing and how you felt when she asked about it..

I think you're really brave to have taken the drawing when it felt slightly risky. I think it implies a feeling trust in you that you could do that. I also think it's fine to take the drawing and look at it with T and say you don't have words to talk about it yet.

[MissCharlotte]

((chaotic))

I think that the inability to say thanks and the inability to talk about the pictures are the same thing. I know for me, that when I say things out loud (finally.......) they become real. If you say thank you then you are making real what you are thanking her for. Did she give you comfort? validation?

Ohhhhhhhhh therapy is s o hard.

I agree with Echoes. The words will come when you're ready. In the meantime, talking about the difficulty seems like a good place to start.

[SpottedOwl]

(((chaotic)))

I'm not sure how to move beyond this. I think both my T and I have attempted many different approaches but all have failed...I can't physically talk about certain things.

What if you brought your sketch pad and some pencils to session with you. Then, when instead of trying to respond with words to difficult issues, you can draw them instead??

[chaotic13]

Originally Posted by MissCharlotte

((chaotic))

I think that the inability to say thanks and the inability to talk about the pictures are the same thing. I know for me, that when I say things out loud (finally.......) they become real. If you say thank you then you are making real what you are thanking her for.

Interesting comment Miss C. I was seeing this a two separate hang-ups but maybe not. When I think of my T's support after last session, it really affected to weak little needy part of me that I don't like to admit that I have. So maybe it is difficult for the confident, professional adult aspect of me to actually deliver this message.

I think it is also difficult for the adult me to acknowledge certain feelings about the drawing.

Maybe this is all just about pride.

[chaotic13]

Originally Posted by SpottedOwl

What if you brought your sketch pad and some pencils to session with you.

I thought about this. However Echoes comment about censoring my drawings was true...I ease a lot :-) and I'm not sure I could handle the pressure of drawing while being watched....hmmm more resistance.

[Sannah]

Can you tell your T exactly what is going on with you when you can't speak about an issue?

[chaotic13]

Sannah, I did express this very clearly this week, along with my on going paranoia about what's in my FILE, and my gratitude.

My T's reponse included statements such as:

I'm safe, remember...
Tug of war is part of the process...
Don't worry about your file. It doesn't define who you are to me...
I'm the only one who will EVER see that file...

I'm feeling pretty secure :-) at the moment.

Originally Posted by chaotic13

I think both my T and I have attempted many different approaches but all have failed...I can't physically talk about certain things.

I have this problem. I finally realized I could say ONE WORD or one short sentence ("he had brown eyes" or whatever) and that's all I have to say. And I survive and I can try another sentence later. And I survive and it starts to get a little easier to spit it out. Is it slow? Totally. But sometimes it's the only way I can do it.

[chaotic13]

IDK... My childhood really wasn't that bad. But then again, being in therapy for almost 2 yrs and still needing to be reminded that therapy is a safe place to talk. Makes me wonder WTF.why is that such a hard concept to understand?

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by chaotic13

I think both my T and I have attempted many different approaches but all have failed...I can't physically talk about certain things.

Once I had a session where I was going to tell T this thing that I had never told anyone and in fact that I had forgotten for over 30 years and only recently recovered the memory. We sat there the entire session and I could not get out a word. Many times I would open my mouth to say something and nothing would come out. It was awful. I remember T said he respected my ambivalence about sharing this with him and he suggested we back off and get to know each other better in the next sessions. So we did that. And I worked on this memory a lot on my own, writing about it in my journal again and again, thinking about it--trying to desensitize myself enough to it that I could tell T. I actually wrote out a speech about this thing and read it outloud many times by myself, trying to imagine I was telling him this. I did this over and over again. Finally I was able to tell him this thing from my practically memorized script. I got the words out and it wasn't spontaneous but I did it. I was exhausted after that. So that was my solution--desensitization. It wasn't pretty but it worked. I don't know if that sort of approach would be helpful to you or not.

[chaotic13]

I kind of did this with the pictures I brought to the session. Every time I viewed them and wanted to remove them from the folder I would mentally reviewed how to say what they represented.But then one surfaced in the session it hit me like a brick Hopefully, next session I will be able to speak about it.Its a process I keep telling myself.I also have an idea for getting the session off to a positive note. I just need to get the image out of my head and on paper.