[rainbow8]

My T and I decided that, for me, therapy should not end with a final good-bye. However, I read the articles on termination on the PC forum, and they state that there should be a definite end to therapy. I know that going back for check-in visits or "as needed" visits has been a little triggering for me, but I also know that it's helped me from feeling abandoned by my T. I don't think there is a right or wrong way, but I wonder if the open-ended, as needed therapy is unusual. I've posted that my T and I did have a final "regular" session with closure. I know most of you are not in this stage yet, but when you get there, would you want it left open to see your T again, or would you want the final session to be the end of therapy?

[mightaswelllive]

When I ended with my old T she made it clear that if I ever needed to come back, she was available. However, she was also clear in showing that the invitation was for therapy. Therapy does not happen in 1 session. It is not a baby sitting job or the best-friend-clean-up after a bad day. If you go back to therapy, it is to consistently, preferably weekly, work on issues, otherwise, you're going to be opening an already open wound. My experience is definitely the norm and this is, though with a certain amount of sadness, how I prefer it to be. T is my therapist, she is not my friend. It is wonderful to see her and even more wonderful that she helps me through my crap, but when she's done helping me.. she's done helping me, that's it.

If you are still feeling abandoned by your T, maybe you need to seek out a new T to resolve that abandonment. From reading your posts, it sounds like your termination was not under regular circumstances. Maybe it would be helpful to start by creating a list of the issues you need to resolve and then see a T that is very goal oriented - like a CBT trained therapist. The rigidness of the program might help you to keep from getting attached and you can put more focus on working on you - which is the real goal of therapy.

[rainbow8]

Thanks. Been there, done that, with another T. This one was more CBT and goal-oriented than anything, but I just don't work well with those methods, though I tried! I started this thread, so I have to accept that answers may be that my T's way may not be the norm. That's what I thought. Interesting to think about. Wonder if ANYONE terminated the way I am doing. Is my T unique?

[sunrise]

rainbow, my daughter and I just recently ended therapy with our family therapist. I think we tried to leave it open that we might come back after the summer possibly, if we needed to, but somehow that got lost. And we ended up terminating for what feels like good. We did not leave a door open. We seem to be done. I am still sad about it.

With my individual T, he has said before that he has some clients who come back after not seeing him for a year or two and re-establish therapy to work on a new problem. He said he has some people who come in every so often for "a tune-up". So he does not seem to do the good-bye is forever thing, at least not with all of his clients.

Originally Posted by rainbow8

My T and I decided that, for me, therapy should not end with a final good-bye. However, I read the articles on termination on the PC forum, and they state that there should be a definite end to therapy.

I really feel there is not a "one size fits all" for termination or any other aspect of therapy. Our therapies are all very individual. If it works for you and your T to see each other only once every few months, then do it.

For me, I'm not actually sure how I would want it all to end when I get there. I find it hard to contemplate "the end". Mostly I just don't want it to end.

Wonder if ANYONE terminated the way I am doing. Is my T unique?

rainbow, what do you think was unique about the way you terminated?

[Perna]

My T and I both retired so there was a final session. My girlfriend (high school, 40 years ago) who is a psychiatric social worker, does check-in/up sessions with her therapist when she needs them. It's whatever is best for you and the therapist?

[deliquesce]

i don't think there is any "normal" model.

i terminated with my old-T quite abruptly, but he did leave it open for me to return should i ever want (which i don't. i hate him ).

with pdoc (who i do therapy with), i dont think it would be a final termination either. it depends on the issue - sometimes one session is enough, at other times, i might need a few morre.

with my new-T: he actually mentioned it last week! how he processed his mother's death with a therapist for a while, and terminated therapy. and then how something triggered him a year later, so he went back for a few 'touch up' sessions.

part of the difference might be that some people go to therapy with very specific problems, and some people go to therapy with more life-permeating problems. for those who have a specific issue and are able to resolve it, then i guess a final date would be best - T's shouldn't exploit their clients to let them end up in therapy forever!! but for those of us who need a long-term approach to therapy, an open door policy is probably in the client's best interests.

[Brightheart]

I think it would depend again on why you want to go back. Are you going back just to reconnect and see her or are you going back for advice? Or a little bit of both? I think your T is trying to find a way to meet your needs by offering what she's offered.

I have the same difficulty when I contemplate never seeing my therapist again. It is an unbearable thought. But I don't think I really need to see him for therapy anymore. He's allowed me to stop by the office and say hello. I haven't seen him since 12-10-08 and I'm going to wait until September to ask to check in for a visit. I'd like to see that he is well and know that everything is okay. I think maybe he'd like to know that I am well too. It really goes back to bonding and attachment I think. The child separates from the parent, but needs to return now and then for a little reassurance before going back out on their own. I'm sure these visits will only last 5-10 minutes. I'll take it.

Would you be returning for reassurance and to reconnect? If this is why, it seems completely logical to me as long as you can accept its limitations. If you are keeping it as a way to hang on to the relationship, I'm not sure it's a good idea. If you can accept that therapy with her as you knew it is over and accept these "check-ins" for what they are, it seems fine. I think it would depend on what you can handle and accept. For me, I'll take 10 minutes with my therapist every 6 months over nothing. I don't think there is a right or wrong way either. Think of what is right for you and what works best for you.

my t has said that i can take a break when ever i feel i need it...it's my therapy not hers and that is okay...but whenever i feel ready or need to come back i can...that she is and always will be my t. period. no questions asked. there will always be time for me.

she said some people come back to check in , some for a "tune up" and some because they have new issues to work on.

also she said some people scale back how often they come and just keep coming or others just keep things status quo...its what ever works best for me...period....but that she is my t and i am stuck with her.

[MissCharlotte]

Hi Rainbow,

I cannot imagine ending therapy without leaving it open. Therapy is about attachment and how to have healthy attachments and relationships. Healthy relationships usually don't end abruptly....I imagine that T will always be a part of my life whether I am actively seeing him every week or not. So, I guess I respectfully disagree with Bether. I don't think there is anything wrong with holding onto the relationship.

[Brightheart]

Actually I think you and I think exactly the same, Miss Charlotte. I completely agree with you. I guess what I meant was that I don't think she should hang onto the belief that her therapist can always be there to meet her needs. They are always a part of us, though, and stay in our hearts forever.

[deliquesce]

one of the awesome things about therapy is that it can teach you about loss, though, too. how you process it, how to handle grief etc. i think it is an important lesson for many of us to learn.

i hope that one day when i am able to 'graduate' from therapy that it will be like closing a door, without turning the lock. my pdoc has been the single most positive influence in my life, and it is natural to want to know how he'd be going, how his family is, if his hairline has completely receded yet and if he still wears those ugly ties.

i also know he'd want to know how i'm going, and would completely share in my joy if i am travelling well but also trust me enough to know i will ask him for help if i need it. life has ups and downs, and hopefully by the time we come to an end i'll be able to handle the normal course of life ok on my own.

the thing is that all relationships come to an end - good healthy ones and bad ones - and a lot of the time they are abrupt and complete. like - everyone dies, yeah? so learning how to process loss and being able to keep that person with you, is a healthy part of attachment too.

[ErinBear]

Hi Rainbow8,

I think different things work for different people. The last main counseling relationship I had ended in a formal way because the counselor moved out of the area. However, we had a very good working relationship. I know we would have continued to work together had he remained in the area, and I'm not sure how we would have handled termination later if he were still here. It may have been that periodic visits would have been fine with him when issues arose. I suspect so.

I have had friends who have had counseling relationships like you describe, where it was comfortable for both the client and the therapist to meet once in awhile for check-ins or to work on specific issues if they came up, after the end of regular therapy has finished. It seemed to work out just fine for them. These were people who had very healthy working relationships with their therapists, and had been benefitting from the counseling relationship. So occasional return visits as needed proved beneficial also when some issue came up. Each of us is on our own journey, and I think if this works out well for you and your T, it sounds great!

Take care,
ErinBear

[pachyderm]

If you go to a doctor for "physical" reasons, and your problem is solved, that does not mean it might not come back in some form, or that you will never have another problem that you may need to consult the doctor for again...

[rainbow8]

I was away from the computer for a couple of days. I appreciate the responses.

Sunrise: If you wanted to leave the door open to see your family t, can't you call back? Maybe he misunderstood you. I thought that, since I read on the PC forum, and also in the book "When to Say Good-bye to Your Therapist (by the way, an excellent book) that it's best to have a final ending, that my T was unique. She doesn't go by the book. Those are her own words, and sometimes it's to my benefit, and sometimes I'm not sure. So, to be honest, I am glad to hear that other Ts also have an open door policy when therapy is ended.

Perna: thanks, I agree with you. My T believes check-in sessions are fine, as long as I can handle my feelings aftewards. My attachment feelings, I mean.

deli: I focus too much on what's supposed to be "normal". Thanks for reminding me that's not helpful to do. I agree with you about learning to process grief and loss in therapy. I've grieved a lot for the loss of a dream--the dream of my T making up for my unmet needs of the past. She has told me that if/when she dies (it was so hard discussing this, but I've brought it up from time to time) she wants me to be able to go on with my life--to function. That's why she never wanted to be the one to satisfy all of my needs, yet she has always been strong, caring, and "there" for me.

Bether: You pretty much clarified the dilemma for me. Thanks. I have to accept that therapy as I knew it is over, but that I can still see my T to reconnect or address a particular problem. I can do that if it's good for me, and not harmful. My T told me that seeing her has to be "safe" for me, meaning that I do not fall apart afterwards, and obsess about missing her too much, and feel a need to see her again right away.

stumpy: I told my T once that she was stuck with me forever. It depends if I can handle seeing her periodically, though. A little caring from her goes a long way for me. Thanks for your input.

Miss Charlotte: I agree that it's okay to hold on to the relationship as long as I do not make it the most important relationship in my life. I did that when I saw her weekly, but now it's time to "leave the nest". I like the idea that I can come back, though.

ErinBear: Thanks! I want it to work out with my T. I've got to put therapy in its proper perspective, and then I'll be able to manage.

pachyderm: You're right, except part of the reason I want to see my T is just to be with her, even if I don't have a problem. As long as I don't depend on her too much, and "live" for these sessions, it will work.

I feel pretty good about the situation as of now. I'm not desperate to see my T. That's the way it should be. I'm even getting used to the idea that it's not good for me to attend the workshop she's doing.