TERRIBEL, terrible, therapy experience.....

I am so sick right now….literally I can’t eat. I don’t even know what to do. I’m sorry this is so long. It was just horrible.

I went in to see my T after sending that long email to her and her saying she was not planning on terminating our work.
Well, when I get there she says let’s talk about it. I said, I really don’t know what to say. She said how about the way you felt about it. I said it hurt that you were changing my appointment so much. She said, you never told me, I said I know, because I have a hard time saying no. But I am telling you now. She said it’s good to say how you feel.

Then she says 8 times (cancellations & changes in time, after they were already scheduled), I didn’t know you were keeping track. I said well I wasn’t in the beginning but it kept happening and started to bother me. She thinks it was unusual that I did that. I mentioned the psych central posts, how many of you said you would be so upset by frequent cancellations as well. She says, your always looking for responses from other people. I said well I want to know that what I think or feel is normal. She said it’s not about normal. I was getting so upset, yes, I started crying.

I said my friend goes to a counselor 2 times a week in a private practice, she’s been going the same amount of time, and her T has never cancelled once yet. She said, she goes two times a week, why would she have to go twice a week? I said she was having a hard time in the beginning and that’s what they offered. I could tell she thought that wasn't good. Then she said it’s not the norm for T in private practice to not cancel more than those in centers. She said, in centers they are usually always there because someone keeps their schedule for them. (I was thinking you’ve got to be kidding me, it would make it harder if someone kept your schedule rather than you.) Are there therapist on this site, is it really normal for T in private practice to cancel more frequently?

We talked more for a bit I wish I could remember it all. I wish I recorded it so badly; she was getting so frustrated with me. One time she quickly sat up in her chair and huffed when I menitoned something I was upset about. I said are you pis*ed at me, she goes, no I’m not pis*ed at you. What if I were frustrated, don’t I have a right to be?

She says, I don’t think I am what you need.( I was thinking you’re kidding me, you just sent me and email telling me you are not going to terminate, then this). I said all I am asking for is some consistency. She said no you want absolutes and I can’t give you an absolute. I said I am not asking for that.

I said the same thing is happening that happened with my old counselor, she started a new practice far away and was moving along. My T says, I’m not like your old counselor. I said it’s still the same, I wish I knew this in the beginning, I would never have gone through this. I said you have no idea what this feels like to me, I can’t do this all over again with someone else. My first two experiences with T’s and both are moving on. She said I’m not going anywhere. I just can’t offer you consistency…

She said when you started seeing me, I didn’t know about the change either. The thing is she is still going to work in her private practice 2 nights a week, along with her full time job. She could see me one of those nights. She said I’m not trying to get rid of you, I said well, with all this stuff your saying, how am I suppose to come see you, how is it supposed to be normal with all of this in between us, she said people work through it. I’m just telling you that I don’t think I am what you need.
She used the word transference; I said this is not transference, who would not get upset with so many changes? I wanted to blurt out COUNTER transference so bad, because that’s exactly what this whole thing felt like to me. I never had these issues with my old T and I saw her for longer.
And if it were transference, hello, let’s see, I was sexually abused by three men, one being my step father. Then my mom just died this past year, I have a lot of need for knowing someone is going to be there right now.

Then later she says in my years of practice no one has ever complained about my canceling. I was shocked. Especially after reading all your comments on psych central about how upset you would be if that happened. I said have you changed another client’s appointment as many times as mine? Then I said maybe they were afraid to tell you. I was until the email last night.

Then she says, I will be away for three weeks in july. She said what do you think about that? I said you need a vacation we all do. She said it’s not vacation its personal leave. She said, I won't be going away. Then in a crappy tone says, “ and there will be NO emailing during that time”. That killed me. It was like she was just shoving all this stuff in my face. Like she was trying to p*ss me off. I said am I seriously your only patient who emails you, she snapped back with, you don’t need to know that.

Then she says “I don’t even have a name of someone I could send you to that wouldn’t cancel like I have”. At that point I felt like there was seriously something wrong with me that she could not even refer me to someone. She said maybe a center in ### #### for people who have been sexually abused. Mean time, I am balling, feeling totally hopeless and she’s like I’m sorry I hurt you. I wasn't convinced, I have seen her when she was caring, that was not it.

I am sitting there in aw……all I asked for was some consistency. I told her that, and then I said, what are you saying, that I need too much? I said I just need a little consistency that was my whole point in finally bringing this up to her. It was not to attack her. She said no you need more than that, you kept track of how many times I cancelled. She said I can’t be available for you like that. I said, once a week, one session at that same time, once a week with cancellations in an emergency.

She said I’m not trying to get rid of you. I said what am I supposed to think with all that you just told me. She said we are not coming up with a resolution here. I repeated that all I am asking for is consistency. She said I can’t promise that and if I don’t you’re going to get upset. I said, so you really don’t want to see me. She said I didn’t say that, I just don’t think I am what you need.
Then she says our time is up, (while I am a mess), just cut the session right off, then says how about you come next week and by then you will have had a week to think on it. And won’t think what I am doing is wrong. (WHAT)

There was so much more that I can’t even remember right now. It was the most horrible experience of my life. I don’t understand it for the life of me. Please be honest with me, was I really asking too much to have someone be consistent with me? I don’t even want to look into another counselor after this, I don’t think I could do it; I have so lost trust right now.

(((((((((((((((((((((((hangingon)))))))))))))))))))))))))

From what I have READ, consistency is one of the really important boundaries that makes a therapy relationship safe. It is important to know that your therapist will be there for you when he/she says she is going to. I am really surprised by the things your T said, and I do wonder what her issue is. I can absolutely understand why you would be upset, confused, sad, hurt, angry, etc.

I have been seeing my therapist (in private practice) twice a week since November 2007 and he has literally only canceled my appointment once - it was a noon appt on a Friday and an emergency came up. He asked if I could come in THAT SAME DAY at 3pm, and I was able to do it. When I went to the session, he totally processed it with me, even though I was really okay. He has been there for every other session that we have scheduled. Maybe this is not the norm, but I suspect that it is more common that canceling/rescheduling 8 times in a few months.

Hanging on, try to know that this is HER issue, not yours. She obviously doesn't want to be tied down to a consistent schedule for some reason. From the things she said, it sounds like she only wants clients who are willing to change their appointments constantly. If that is not you, that is not you (I would definitely not do well in that situation myself). I distinctly remember the day that my T suggested "1 on Mondays and noon on Fridays" - I felt so secure knowing that those two times would be set aside for me every week. We've had to change my regular appointment time since then, but it is still consistent. That is what YOU deserve as well.

This is not about you, it is about her. Please try not to turn it on yourself. You deserve the best care...if she can't give it to you, that is a problem with her, NOT with you.

Sending lots of to you. Please be gentle with yourself.

First, I am so sorry you went through that. Second, you had EVERY RIGHT to be upset. 8 cancellations IS a lot! My opinion FWIW is that this T is unprofessional in dealing with you. I hope you can find another. You deserve better than that. It makes me mad to hear about the T's who treat vulnerable people like that. You deserve better! I know many people suggest when there is an issue like this to discuss it. Well you did your best to discuss and to me she was being unreasonable. This is a BUSINESS. We all have to remember that in the end, WE are the consumers of the mental health services and we deserve good SERVICE. I'm sorry this happened to you.

I know, I just don't know what to do. I'm crying my eyes out.

I just expected to go in and have her say she was sorry that she cancelled so many times and that she didn't know it bothered me so much. That she would "try" her best to not do that so much with me. Some consolation....something to ease my fears but, no, one email and now all of a sudden I have too many needs. She has never expressed anything like this to me before. I have no idea where she was coming from.

My other T use to praise how well I did things on my own.
I have never called my T, nothing. An email once a week after session was the norm, never even emailed her last week. It's all because I finally spoke up and told her how the cancellations made me feel.

But it turned into this huge defensiveness on her part. It's hard to grasp the way she was.

She kept asking me to tell her how I felt in the session, then I would tell her and she would get defensive about what I had said. So I said why do you want me to tell you. I tell you and then you basically say its wrong. Whats the point.
I said, I wish I never told you about the cancellations, we wouldn't be going through this right now. You never thought this stuff about me before. She said, it's good you are telling me, I said no its not because now your telling me you can't be consistent with me. Basically that I need to find someone else.

As I was leaving, I apologized again. Why.....it's not going to change anything....

Hanginon,

I am so sorry this is happening to you right now. I can't imagine my T behaving like that. I went to one I didn't like a year ago and decided not to see her after 3 times. I thought she wouldn't be the one to help me the way I needed help...I felt 'wounded' at that point in my life, though nothing like you have suffered with the abuse issues. It wasn't like I was trying to tell her how to do her job, but it was like, build me up a little before you tear me down with that T. Plus I didn't like the "therapy dogs" she had in her office, and the office was dirty with clumps of dog hair. Bottom line, I was not comfortable there with her. I choose to leave her and find a different T.

You seem to be saying the same thing about this T. She can't promise you consistency. It doesn't seem like she is willing/able to compromise her stand. I can sort of see where she is coming from, but only to a degree.

She stated what she is willing to do and what she won't do. She is forcing you to be the one to make the next decision. You put her on the defensive, and she didn't like that, that's my take on it anyway.

You can't get from her what you want the most, consistancy.

But - now I'm not a T, but let me play devil's advocate here a little. Maybe
what she is trying to help you with is that you need to learn to cope with somethings...in her opinion, she is being responsible for letting you know up front that she is in charge. That isn't really how a real trusting T relationship works, IMO.

I don't want you to just drop seeing a therapist, because I think you could get help if you give it a little bit of time...but are you strong enough for your T's control? Are you up for a challenge with her? I understand how upsetting it must be for you and I wish there was a way I could be of help, you have had enough of other people being in control of you. Is it time for you to take some control and make choices. Maybe that is what she is working at here????? Life is full of inconsistancy. Some are acceptaable and some are not. I feels as if you need to be more grounded and think about it for a while without just walking out in the mood you are in right now.

You keep writing to us and make your own choices. Wondering what is normal is "normal" when you are in therapy. You had little you could count on an an earlier time, but maybe you need to make your own consistancy now.

I hope some of the professional people here at PC will jump in and help you with this. I'm just answering as a friend here.

Good bless and you will be in my thoughts and prayers.

OMG! You really do need to run for the hills, she is not only the wrong T for you, she is a wrong T for anyone. I am so sorry you had to go through what you did. She was so defensive and it seems like she was using her power of authority over you, thinking you don't know anything about how therapy SHOULD be. She is wrong about private practices too. Canceling appointments that much in ANY profession is extremely unprofessional . You have a right to some basic respect, which she isn't giving you.

I dont' know long you have been seeing her, but are you willing to find someone else. I wouldn't use her references either. Most T's are NOT like this, please believe this. Maybe your friends T could give you a reference or something if you don't want to see her T.
You did the right thing... it shows me how strong you really are! You can get through this but I hope with another T who is more reliable and sensitive. I am still in shock over her reactions and what she said. Take care of yourself, keep posting here, we can support you through this because we care.

I also wanted to add that it is so common for some of us to say we are sorry, but it should have been her. You have done nothing wrong.

hangingon, I'm so sorry for your horrible experience! Wow, I am ANGRY at your T right now!

From everything I have read, it is an important part of the therapeutic process to have the same day, same time appointment - consistency is a must! Check out this article from PsychCentral and the New York Times - the #1 most annoying bad habit of a therapist is showing up late. The article doesn't even list canceling appointments last-minute, because it's ridiculous and unprofessional!

And also, my T told me that she's going to be gone for 3 weeks in August and that she would of course leave me the name of someone to contact in case I wanted it. I can't believe your T said she can't give you the name of someone who wouldn't cancel like she has. Unacceptable!

Please take care of yourself, first and foremost, and know that none of this is your fault!

omg (((((((((((((((hugs!!!!)))))))))))))))))
From my prespective, many ppl doing healing work NEED consistancy. I know I do. Even in personality. That's why I've been so upset with one of my dr's. I couldn't get the consistancy i needed in their personality. T and I determined that that other dr really won't be good for me because of it.
I am in a clinic, and things definately do come up. But T is really good about making sure I am cared for. She's said, "Lots of things come up in the evenings, so having an evening appointment - ya just never know what may happen. Like last night she was nearly an hour late because a meeting went long. But she'd excused herself from the meeting, borrowed someone elses phone to call me to let me know and check if I was safe. She also told me last night that I need more than other people (for which was was embarrassed) and that she tries hard to provide that as she can.
Perhaps that might be a gague to determine more about your t... and perhaps not as I have a very surperb dr that i have been fortunate enough to find.
I really hope things improve for you!!!!!

OMG, ((((hangingon))))

I have been reading through the posts trying to figure out what to say and I am at a loss for words and I am sure that no words can take the pain away of what happened.

I can not believe your T acted like that. I think she could have found a better way to make her point/stance in a more respectful way. I think she is entitled to run her practice the way she sees fit, though I DON'T agree with it and I think she has her own issues, but she could have done a better job at explaining things to you.

Honestly, if your T is taking her stand about not promising you consistency, which is something you told her you needed, perhaps you should consider finding someone else, which I know will be hard---having to start over, but in the end you will benefit greatly if you can find a T that will give you what you need.

I personally would not go back after that...but that is just me (I am not saying you should do that).

I really hope you feel better soon. Please try to be gentle with yourself tonight, okay? You did nothing wrong. you expressed what you needed, which is a step in the right direction, so be proud of yourself

Thank you all,
I can't believe I let this get to me like I did.
It was just that I was just starting to trust her. I had only been seeing her for about 6 months. I felt like she let me down. She knew that I was sexually abused, and the people who did it. I chose her because she said that sexual abuse was her specialty. That makes it very hard for me to believe that she has not had issues with trust when it comes to consistency. ALL people who have been abused lack in trust, and for the most part need consistency. I still don't understand......

It all just came as a shock. She just sent me an email telling me that she doesn't want to terminate our work, to please come in and talk to her.
Then I get there and all that comes out.
Nothing like this was going on. There was no sign of it. All I did was send her that email and she got so defensive about it.

I just emailed my college counselor to see if I can make a session with her to get some advice. She has always been very professional with me.

I am still totally in shock about her saying that cancellations are not unusual with private practice as opposed to an center T. I could sense she didn't like someone confronting her. I had never seen her get as flustered as she did. I didn't approach her about it to be mean, just to let her know so that she can maybe be more cautious of it. I know sometimes it's not avoidable.

And I'm even more in shock about her saying she can't even think of a name of someone I could see that wouldn't cancel so much. Isn't a therapist supposed to offer a name when they don't think they can meet your needs?
It was just total defensiveness, I am totally perplexed by all of it.

(((((((((((hangingon))))))))))

i'm going to try to respond more later to your post but this:

is complete b.s. over the course of many years i have seen one t for 9 months and no cancellations, another for 3+ years same thing, another who would very occasionally ask if she could shift my appt time for another client (she was my same faith and things are a bit different then as they tend to be more open). it didn't bother me that she asked this either. i saw her for several years and i don't remember if she ever did cancel on me but if she did it was because of major health stuff (like when her husband went into a coma, no joke) and it would have only been a few times total over several years. your t is behaving unprofessionally and i have no doubt of that. i think you and i started with our latest ts right at about the same time. mine has never cancelled. all these ts have been private practice.

i can understand a little bit of what she was saying to you in your discussion about feelings, etc. but overall i think she handled this quite poorly. i am so sorry. you asserted yourself and did a great job by telling her how you felt and please, please do not think that was the problem. it was most certainly not. oh, i am feeling mad at your t now!

oh hanginon,

I think a lot of us would feel badly too if this happened to us. What you are feeling is so normal. She betrayed you, in more than one way too. I think many of are shocked at her behavior. I am glad you can see that it is her defensiveness speaking and in a way I am glad you could see her true colors before you got even deeper. A T should offer your referrals, but would you really trust any names she would give you? I hope your other T can help you find someone. IT is hard and frustrating to start over, but is better to find someone who fits you better and your needs. You will be okay, you deserve so much better.

I'm just really nervous about starting over. I thought I could really trust this T. I have always been good at discerning like that.

She is telling me this information 6 months after the fact based on one email.........

WOW! I don't even know where to begin. I am shocked that your therapist would find your need for consistancy a problem. I can tell you this. I need consistancy because of my background issues. In the almost 18 years that I have worked with my therapist (yes the same one!) she has maybe cancelled a handful of times. One being the death of her father. She always reschedules immediately. As far as appointments go she will give me and extra appointment during the week if need be. She bends over backwards to accomodate me. As far as expressing your feelings of frustration, I too have difficulties doing this with her. But a couple of weeks ago I felt lousy after a session and I called her back that same day. She immediately called me to discuss the issue and had me come in to talk about it before our regularly scheduled session. I was so afraid that she would be angry with me. It was just the opposite. She was glad that I actually expressed my negative feelings and I have to tell you it was one of the most productive sessions she and I have ever had. She even hugged me after the session and told me not to be afraid to let her know when I feel angry or frustrated with her. That it is OK and that our relationship needs to be based on trust and openess. I gotta tell you though it is rarely that I feel negative toward her. She is an amazing clinician and person. I am sorry for your terrible experience...

(((hanginon)))

It sounds like one of those awful sessions where you and T just didn't connect AT ALL. I have had sessions like that and they are the worst. You wind up feeling in such a lonely and abandoned place. I have been with T for more than 2 years and he outright canceled only once when he was sick. A few other times he has asked if I could switch my appointment because he had something going on but it is not frequently at all. Consistency is very important in therapy. I think the bottom line here is do you want to continue with this T? It does sound like you are attached to her. Maybe after this week is over you two can come up with a plan for cancellations that is acceptable to you, and that you can work with. (Hey, I don't do email with T and don't have any contact with him when he is on vacation, so that part isn't unusual.)

Take gentle care.

maybe.... if you are up to it.... as you are a good judge at these things... give her the benefit of the doubt on this day -maybe something very personal and difficult happened and she has yet to see how far off the mark she was. since you said you never saw it coming. ?
****hugs*****

Miss C,

She did say she could still see me but that she doesn't think she is what I need. When I mentioned only needing to see her once a week (as I have been all along) but being more cautious of cancellations. She said she can't offer that because she doesn't know what will happen. That her schedule, family priorities, ect are more important.

As far as vacation, I understand that. I saw my last T for a year and never had email communication with her. I even had her phone number but called it only once after my mom died, and one other time for all of a minute. I have never called my T now, even though she said I could.

It wasn't the fact that she said "and no emails allowed" while she's on leave; it was the way she said it. The attitude she had that shocked me.

I might see her next week, but honestly, she is saying she is not what I need, so whats the point? It's going to hurt, it really is, but I don't know what else to do.

(((((((((((((((((((((hangingon)))))))))))))))))))))))))

I am honestly at a loss of words. First of all, your T behaved SO unprofessionally. That is seriously not fair to you AT ALL for her to take your feelings and shove them back at you like that.

I would also just like to say how proud I am of you that you stood up and let your feelings be known in the first place. I honestly would have NEVER had the courage to do that.

I really, really hope everything gets better for you, because to have someone you really trust who is supposed to be helping you react in that way is horrible.

it sounded like it started off well with her wanting to know how you felt.

this seems defensive to me where she said she didn't know you were keeping track.

did she say that or was that more the impression you got?

she has a bit of a point in that there is going to be quite a bit of variation in how ts interact with their clients generally (e.g. whether or not or how much they allow phone calls, email, touch, etc) but somehow it seems at the least not helpful to you and at worst defensive and deflecting the issue. canceling is just unprofessional and not really a negotiable when it is a pattern imo.

like i said before this is total b.s.

to give her the benefit of the doubt, because she feels she can't provide you with the consistency you need i think she is saying she doesn't think she is what you need. i don't think she is trying to terminate you but to just tell you that she probably can't do this and so it would probably continue to be a problem and that wouldn't be helpful to you.

her response here is ridiculous. maybe in her peer group of ts it is normal to cancel but this is not the norm for ts generally nor is it the slightest bit professional.

i think it's good that she is willing to work things thru and since she's sent you an email since the appt it sounds like she would like to work things thru although she is concerned it may not work with your needing consistency. i think what you are asking for is totally reasonable and if she really can't provide that then it is wise to reconsider continuing with her.

i don't think this is transference and it seems a bit manipulative to me for her to suggest that. did you tell her you didn't have this problem with your old t who you saw longer?

you are dealing with a heck of a lot but i still don't think it's transference from what you've said and generally from reading your posts.

in all fairness to her maybe no one has ever complained to her so she was really caught off guard in something she has been doing that i bet she does know deep down is inappropriate. this is her issue not yours hanging on. it does seem like there is countertransference going on here but i'm not a professional so take that with a handful of salt.

sounds like things were really degenerating here. i think she was realizing belatedly that she needs to set some boundaries about things (e.g. email) and obviously did it at the wrong time and in the wrong way. i do think it is best to know up front what a t's policy is on phone calls and emailing. they really set themselves and their clients up for problems by not making that clear from the beginning. if you do decide to find a new t it would be good to ask or set something up with them about this at the beginning.

she really handled this poorly. for me, i don't know if i'd go back seeing this is how she acts when confronted on something. i've dealt with friends who response like this when i've had to bring something up to them and i find it crazymaking. i finally ended a friendship over this sort of blame-shifting.

no! she is the one who needs to think on this and realize she is most definitely in the wrong.

you absolutely were not asking too much. i don't know, i think part of the point of therapy is to learn to communicate and have it be safe with the t to practice on. so many of us have never done this stuff before so we just aren't needing a t to be the "difficult one". we need them to be safe so we can develop some trust that we can do it with others. unless your t gave you a huge apology and realized how defensive and awful she acted i personally would not go back. i think you are right to lose trust in her for now. maybe she can earn it back. i hope so. i am just so very sorry you experienced this. please don't let it turn you off therapy. there are good ones out there.

(((((((hangingon)))))))))

i'm glad that you can see this is her issue - her being unprofessional, and her getting defensive. please keep it that way, and don't turn this around onto you, the way she is encouraging you to do so. the reason she is criticising you for talking to us is because she doesn't want her behaviour to be confirmed as unhelpful by outside sources. if it's just kept between you and her then she can use her power to convince you it's a problem with you. (which we all know it's not).

i was in shock reading your post. i know you have been having issues with your T, but i totally did not see this coming either. but i think it is better that you know now that is not willing to change, because it means you can get out of a bad situation and find someone more worthy of your trust.

her saying that she didn't have a name - that's just her being spiteful, again. at any rate, i would prefer to go to someone not connected to her at all. maybe your college counsellor will have some ideas?

i'm so sorry this has happened.