progress in therapy

i thought maybe it would be nice to start a thread where we could all share how much progress we've made in therapy so far, or how much we are making right now. it doesn't have to be anything "big", it could be something really "small" too.

just because often when i post here, it's because i'm really struggling with what's going on in therapy. a lot of my posts come from a place where i am very frustrated, angry, scared or depressed. i think it would be nice (for me at least) to celebrate the good stuff too, and i thought maybe other people would like to join in ?

atm, i am still very much trying to wrap my head around where i'm at with pdoc/Austin-T right now, so i will probably come back and post later when i can be tiny bit more succinct than usual . but if anyone else would like to jump in, i would be delighted to share and celebrate in your success.

I am making progress. It's just that it is not straightforward. Too many times when I think that I am lost (again). Then I come out once more and it is good. Until the next time when I go down and can barely remember that there is some change taking place. Or how to get back to that better place.

I am actually learning how o communicate with my husband and others. I can talk about my feelings. It's still hard, but I can do it and realized that even though it's hard to talk about, nobody is going to condemn you for your feelings, or just for voicing an opinion. That is huge for me.

I have also learned to set boundaries.

I am feeling again. NOt sure if this is partly because I lowered my dose of meds, or because I'm dealing with things, but I have feelings again.

Realizing that I am allowed to stand up for myself...and not just get plowed down for not immediately agreeing with everything someone else says.

I am allowed to say NO. Of course the first time I have ever said NO to T is when she wants me to try Abilify....she is not happy I chose that moment to say NO LOL.

I am starting to work through stuff I never thought I would ever tell anyone. Is that progress?

This is a great thread!

I was so convinced going into T that I was going to deal with my SI until I'm 18 and then tell her, just so she couldn't tell my parents. Well...I realized that I couldn't deal with it on my own for any longer, so I sucked it up and told her.. That is, in my opinion, my biggest accomplishment, and my greatest progress in T. And I'm glad now that I did, because I feel like T and I are so much closer after that, and I have so much trust in her after the way she handled the situation.

There is poetry in despair.



Love attracts all those who taint the cherished.

Absolutely! I'm definitely going through the same thing. I've even told her that she knows me better than any of my friends do.

There is poetry in despair.



Love attracts all those who taint the cherished.

I am making progress. I am learning to take care of myself and not to feel so guilty about choosing what is good for me and saying No to others. I was so worried last week when I chose to not join the rest of the family on father;s day because I am tired of playing games with him and allowing him to verbally abuse me and blame me for his unhappiness. When I told my T I chose not to go my T smiled asked me how I felt and validated that I made the right choice for me. What a relief I was so worried my T would think I was wrong for not honoring my father. I think this is the first time someone has said to me it is okay to make the choice you made and ultimately it is how I feel not that I am letting down others in my life. I feel that I don't beat myself up so much for who I am and that is a good thing. I actually feel more positve about me than I do negative. I realize there may be times I go back a few steps but I know I can go forward. Finally I feel I am making some progress. YEah! My T is so great!

I actually spoke (in the session) directly about being triggered during sex with H. I know I'm a dork. I but OK with at too, today..progress :-)

A few weeks ago something T said in our legal meeting slid off me the wrong way and I did not like what he seemed to be saying at all. I kept thinking about this until my next therapy session, and then addressed this at the very beginning. I told him when he said that, it seemed like he was saying X, and it made me feel Y, and is that what he really meant? (Because if so, I was hurt, pissed off, etc.) And he said no he had not meant that at all, and explained what he had meant. And I felt better to know he did not mean that, and relaxed, and all was right between us. He said, "are we good now?" This is something I could not have done in the past. I could not have identified right away that something someone said hurt or angered me (I would have stuffed it inside) and I could not have spoken to them about it to ask for clarification. I would just let stuff fester inside of me and not even know what my problem was when I had vague feelings of unhappiness. Now I can identify my feelings and can seek clarification from my T. I hope to extend that ability to seek clarification (and mend little ruptures) from other people in my life. This is really huge progress for me.

What a great thread! I love reading about everyone's progress

My progress has been so slow and non-linear, but when I think back to how I was before therapy, I can see so many changes..

Probably the biggest change is admitting I have needs, instead of always putting others first and then feeling bad that the needs I didn't even know I HAD weren't met. I am able to express my true feelings much more - and feel my feelings.

Although I am much more dissociative in session, I am much more present in my everyday life, which is amazing.

I am able to understand that change takes time, and I have the faith that if I am patient, things like bad feelings I am having WILL change. This has helped me to give up most of my bad coping skills, even the ones that I have had for EVER, like my ED.

I am willing to do things that are scary for me because I know that I have a safe place (T) to return to so I can check in and talk about how I feel and rebuild my confidence.

There have been SO many positive changes since I started therapy. Which is a really nice thing to think about, because it is SUCH hard, hard, scary work.

awww... thank you guys all so much for sharing . i will admit i posted this thread and then got really anxious that everyone would think it was a dumb idea. so not only am i excited and proud for all of you, but i'm also part relieved.

yes, pachy, i relate to this so much. my growth comes in a 2 steps forward, 3 steps back kind of fashion. and then after a few months of this pattern, i have this mega sprint of progress where i'm like THERAPY WORKS!! until i settle back into that feeling of being lost and not being able to hod on to what change i have made.

does it help you at all if you look back to how you compare now to when you first started therapy?

(((foomph))) boundary setting and voicing your opinion are such huge things to learn and achieve, i'm so happy for you. also yay for having feelings again!!! do you reckon they are still mixed, or are you noticing that you have more positive than negative ones now?

echoing fallenangel that that is progress . and lol at you saying NO when your doc didnt want you to. for what it's worth though, abilify did zip all for me. and feeling in control of your treatment is so much more important, anyway.

awww, fallenangel, this is such great work. i remember how scared i was when i told my school counsellor (i was 16 at the time, totally scared that she would have to tell everyone). so if you shared even half my amount of anxiety, then yes - it's a great thing you've achieved by being so brave. i'm glad you're getting support for it now, and even gladder that you opened up the room for you & T's relationship to grow even further.

[quote=del12;1057875]I feel that I don't beat myself up so much for who I am and that is a good thing. I actually feel more positve about me than I do negative. I realize there may be times I go back a few steps but I know I can go forward. Finally I feel I am making some progress. YEah! My T is so great![/quote]


wow, del. just wow. that bit i've just highlighted is like... a goal of mine. and to know that someone else has achieved it is like receiving a gift of hope. thank you for sharing, sweetie ((((del12)))).

my jaw just hit the floor reading this. silly chaotic, i most definitely do NOT think that you're a dork. oh god. pdoc used to ask me how s*x stuff was (back in the days i was still with my ex), and i used to wish i could disappear. half of it was embarrassment (him: catholic 35ish guy, me: 20ish girl in same sex rel'p) but the other half was just complete denial that things like s*x even happened (never mind triggers ).

how good for you that you could address it directly in a session with T! definitely not a dork - please reframe that thought into something like "someone for deli to try and emulate".

sunny, i've been following how things have been going with you and T and ex-H, and i know i haven't known you long but i have watched you grow so much.

being able to identify how you're feeling and communicate that must feel so empowering. and i love how you sought clarification, because i think i just jump to conclusions about what the other person meant, and it gives me a lot of grief.

tree, you know i adore it when you share how much you're growing, and how much therapy helps you out. maybe it is because so often i'm faced with similar situations that you have already dealt with, so it's almost like there is dear ((((treehouse)))) telling me the path is safe ahead.

i feel so good for all of us having read your responses. thank you so much for sharing ((((((((pachy, foomph, amazon, fallen, del, chaotic, sunny & tree)))))))).

This is a great thread!

I share with those of you who are now trusting your T's and telling them things that you've never told anyone else - scary, but also such a relief when my T doesn't judge me but just helps me figure everything out!

I've had some huge realizations about my mother and how her behavior has affected me throughout my life. And now that I understand the why's, T is suggesting some behavior modification for me to put into practice.

Also, I absolutely hate confrontation, but I made up my mind to be honest with T from the start. So if T says something I don't understand or like, I speak up and we talk it over. That's a big step for me!

(((dreamseeker))) - i'm right there with you on opening up and saying stuff i've never mentioned before.

maybe a month ago (a bit longer, perhaps?) i *finally* admitted a very small yes to pdoc when he asked me (for the 100th time) if there had been CSA. four years of denying it outright and i finally said yes!! so... that was progress for me. a bit of a milestone, actually.

since then... the amount i am getting out of therapy with pdoc feels like it is in overdrive. it is so incredibly painful - pdoc says it's like airing out a room, but i feel it's more like ripping out the carpet & light fixtures, and smashing the furniture for good measure . i dread it. i see Austin-T every thursday afternoon, and pdoc every friday morning, so my agenda with Austin-T has now been expanded to include motivational therapy for me to actually show up to therapy the next day!

it kills me so much, but the aftermath is so healing.

i guess my most recent 'progress' just happened with pdoc on friday - admitting to him that sometimes i want to rely on him. such a huge thing for me to say (actually - i couldnt say it, he named it and i just nodded). i still don't allow myself to do so, but just admitting that sometimes i want to... felt like ripping out my heart and stabbing it with a fork so many times. i honestly thought i was going to die, relying on someone is such an abhorrent idea to me. it was soul destroying, to be honest.

but pdoc was so excited, he was so honoured, and he affirmed it and affirmed it and affirmed it and thought it was the greatest thing ever. he says it's not that i'm losing myself, but that i'm growing into a new person. he got quite emotional about it, actually. i was really touched that he was so honoured by my admitting that. i really thought he would have been like "FREAK!!! get away from me you blood sucking monster". and instead he teared up and said he's been praying for something like this?!

i'm still really, really uncertain, but i can't deny how much of a positive reaction it evoked from pdoc. and since i trust him, i might be willing to let the feeling sit and be accepted (instead of pushing it away and self harming because i loathe it, like i usually would). i dont think i can actually let myself rely on pdoc just yet... but maybe not pushing that desire away is a good first step for me to take.

next week will be difficult though (again!!). i feel really naked with him knowing that now.

When I am in the dark hole it does not help much. I cannot see much outside of the immediate surroundings. But I do somewhat remember even then the improvements I have made, and think maybe they can come back.

Great big

I agree that this is a great thread! It's inspiring to see how others are doing, and all the positives! I guess the biggest positive for me is that I am managing without therapy, and that I am becoming independent. I've accepted what my T can give me, and what she can't. That realization has come with a lot of pain and grief, but I think I'm getting there! I'm learning to have other close relationships so that I do not have to depend on my T. I don't want to replace my T with another T to obsess about, so to the extent that I'm not doing that, is progress.

Other positives in my therapy were the ability to maintain eye contact with my T and tell her directly what I needed to during my sessions. I used to waste most of my session trying to get through "my agenda" that I wrote down, but I never really connected with her. She commented on the change when I started being "present" in the sessions. It was much more scary, but so much more productive. It's what therapy is supposed to be.

I've got more to write, but I have an appointment, so I have to go.

You have made some huge breakthroughs lately, Deli....congrats.

I think it's normal to feel naked after making such revelations about yourself. Backsliding a bit might be a normal reaction to that. But try to let the feeling stick around, and maybe you will start feeling a more permanent change in yourself.

Okay, I just figured out the whole thanks button, so sorry I haven't thanked everyone else who's been so helpful in posting threads like these and responding to my questions and concerns before now. You are all awesome!

As for progress in therapy, well, for the first time in my life I'm doing regular in person therapy and have done so for about 5 weeks now. Have another appt later this week. The first therapist I saw earlier this year in person for 8 sessions was a total disaster. I felt like she was judging me from day 1 and I was paranoid after the hospital incident like I might be carted away at any moment, so I put up my walls and never let her in. I was told I had to go to stay in school so I just kept checking the clock and hoping it would be over soon. Obviously made no progress.

But this new therapist is very understanding and kind (doesn't scowl at me or just tell me to take vitamin D like the other one). I was finally able to admit that the hospital incident wasn't a mistake and I really was severely depressed and suicidal and the wake up call may have saved my life or at least from an attempt. I'm still not telling him everything, but I think I'm making some progress as I'm able to talk to my partner now about my feelings and condition and even my mom too, who I'd been estranged from only in that I never told her my problems because she had so many of her own with my brother, my dad and her relatives. Now she realizes that I'm not as strong as she thought I was. I'd rather be seen as strong, but I know I can't handle all their problems too. So it's getting better, slowly but surely.