My T uses object relations therapy, but we’re 12 sessions in, and we still hadn’t really discussed our relationship… until yesterday! As I posted in another thread, I was asking my T how to access my child self, and my T said I need to be more “unreasonable” in therapy – express when I’m mad or sad about something, even if it doesn’t make sense to the 'adult self' to get mad about it. So I told my T that I had an example – I had asked my T a few weeks ago if she was working on July 3rd, because I had it off as a holiday from work, and I thought that it would be the perfect time to schedule an extra session. My T told me that she wasn’t working. Well… I walked by my T’s office on July 3rd (and I usually don’t walk by her office, but I had to go that way on this day), and I saw that her office light was on! I immediately felt this pang of hurt, and it caught me off-guard. So I rationalized that either my T forgot I’d asked the question, her husband was using her office (he's also a T, they share an office), or she just left the light on. I had debated whether or not to even bring this up, because I had so much I wanted to get through in session yesterday, but you know how it goes – sometimes, we just have to follow the process and bring up what seems appropriate at the time. It hasn’t failed me yet, so why stop now!
My T loved this example, I swear! She proceeded to go over all the different scenarios with me, and how I would feel with each different scenario. (Oh, and BTW - she wasn't working, it was her husband using her office.) In the end, I said that I was mad at myself for becoming dependent on therapy, and my T wisely asked if I was actually dependent or was it more that I was feeling needy… and then I admitted that, yes, I felt like I needed her! So that kicked off a discussion about why I don’t like to be needy with people. But it opened the door for me to talk about our relationship with my T – how I’m more comfortable with her now and am trusting her more. And honestly, my T seemed so happy! I was talking to a friend about this afterwards – she made a great point, she said of course my T was happy, she felt validated in her work, and she probably enjoys our time together, so it feels good to her to know that I am feeling the same way.
It was a good session. I have a stressful event coming up at the end of this week – a trip to see my parents, who I only see twice a year, as they live far away. I’m looking forward to it but also dreading it, if that makes any sense, especially because I have all these childhood feelings surfacing that I’ve kept buried for so long. But it feels so good, though still a bit scary, to know that I can count on my T, that she’s in my corner, and that next week, I’ll get off that plane and go to my T’s office to decompress.

[peaches100]

Dreamseeker,

You came up with a great example to share with your t. She sounds like a very good therapist. I'm glad you were able to tell her about your needy feelings and that she understood and accepted them. It sounds like it made her very happy to know your trust and safety with her are increasing!

[skeksi]

What a great connection! It's wonderful that you could be brave and take that step to be honest. I'm glad it paid off.

[chaotic13]

I think your child ego state surfaced again in your joy in making your T happy.

One of my ongoing interconflicts is between the small child and an older (teenish) state. It child feels happy when she feels accepted by others and when she does something that makes others feel happy or appreciated-- she a bit of a pleaser kid. Where as an older ego state thinks this is stupid and childish. The teen thinks it doesn't need to be accepted by others and shouldn't get excited and happy when it happens. Only recently has a more adult presence stepped in to mediate the dispute. This state recognizes that it is important to share gratitude towards others, it helps them feel good and know that they are helping or influencing you positively. This state seems to also get that it is OK for me to allow myself to feel good and benefit from this exhange too.

I think you did a great job in sharing some of your thoughts with your T. You were able to take something that was making you feel negative about yourself, share it, and in the end it made both you and your T feel good. How great is that. Now you just have to figure out how to do this conversion more often.

It sounds like a good session.

Originally Posted by chaotic13

One of my ongoing interconflicts is between the small child and an older (teenish) state. It child feels happy when she feels accepted by others and when she does something that makes others feel happy or appreciated-- she a bit of a pleaser kid. Where as an older ego state thinks this is stupid and childish. The teen thinks it doesn't need to be accepted by others and shouldn't get excited and happy when it happens. Only recently has a more adult presence stepped in to mediate the dispute. This state recognizes that it is important to share gratitude towards others, it helps them feel good and know that they are helping or influencing you positively. This state seems to also get that it is OK for me to allow myself to feel good and benefit from this exhange too.

That's very interesting, chaotic! I think I have a small child self who feels that pure joy, and maybe also anger. I have trouble feeling and expressing anger, T and I are working through that. It's my older child who is the pleaser - T yesterday said that part of why I open up when I come to therapy is because that's what I'm supposed to do, because I'm always the "good girl" - it's so true! So I think it will be good for me to not always be that good girl, and therapy is a great place to start working on that.

(((((((((((((dreamseeker)))))))))))))))))

Wow, what a great session. Your T sounds wonderful, and it seems like letting yourself be vulnerable totally paid off

[sw628]

You are so brave. I wish I could be as open with my T.

Originally Posted by sw628

You are so brave. I wish I could be as open with my T.

(((sw)))

I figured that I had nothing to lose, and it was a risk that paid off!

What's holding you back from being that open with your T?