[Melbadaze]

It hit me suddenly today as I struggle with the inner pain triggered by yesterdays session and T mentioning me wanting closeness...my mind desperately trying to flee the feelings, the pain...but acting out, acting out, this keeps going over and over in my mind...what does T mean exactly??...then I think, write, journal, write about the intense pyschic struggle going on inside of you right now...reluctenly I pick up pad and pen and as I write, the tension begins to ease...victory, the battle good over evil has been won, just for now...I realise as I write and the fog begins to lift, that when I am in these acting out phases, no matter what T offers me, and she does, she again offered for me to email her all through the summer break, but this doesnt fill the emotional void at those times of acting out, becuase its like being stuck in a cycle of emotional flashbacks and the SH is like chasing an impossible dream and for T it must feel like she is taking pot shots at little plastic ducks at a fairground, no matter how much she shoots, theres always more little yellow ducks coming along...no matter what she offers, I wash it away when I'm acting out...awww the relief of the pen to paper, its like a way out of the emotional nightmare stuckness....suddenly everything comes into focus again, you can see today from the past..dam I wish I could remember this the next time I begin to dip into the dark waters of yesteryear...and remember that acting out my emotions isn't helping me one bit...and that thats what it is, just acting out the pain going on within...letting it detate to me, lie to me, fool me into believing I will master it....but confront it with reason and questions and it begins to crumble in the light of day...

[peaches100]

Melbadaze,

You are so right. It's hard to see clearly and understand what is happening in the therapy room when we get flooded with deep emotional pain and emotional flashbacks. When we're in the grip of it, our body is in the now, but our mind is in "the waters of yesteryear." We can be acting out that pain and not be able to take in the support our t offers us. We get so far into that emotional void, we can't see anything else.

It sounds like writing is a very effective way for you to put your pain into perspective and separate the past from the present. It helps lift that "fog" and ease that tension, and then it's easier to see what's going on. It's great that you're able to ask yourself questions and reason with yourself to get back on sturdy logical ground. That's a really great skill to have!