[chaotic13]

I've been in a dead zone for a few days. I missed you all and admittedly suffered PC withdraw.

Recently I shared with my T an experience that I encountered several months ago. A man who was sitting next to me minding his own business suddently triggered me. I was really troubled and puzzled by the incident when it happened but then when I revisited this incident and thought about it more it made me a even more unsettled. I realized that not only did this guy trigger me, but I seemed to have involunarily lashed out at him. Now I did not PHYSICALLY do anything, but on an emotional level ... I basically struck him.

When I drew what I felt during this encounter.


NOT GOOD, HUH!

The thing that upsets me most is not that I was triggered but that my reaction to it seemed to have a negative discharge that I was completely unable to control or avoid. In this incident my triggering occured so quick, unexpected, and kind of came out like projectile vomit.

Have you experienced anything like this?

Welcome back.

Sounds like a classic case of fight or flight, found in stressful situations and especially with PTSD. It's very upsetting when it happens to us. They have begun to talk about "officially" adding my first reaction, which is to freeze.

These nervous system responses - fight, flight and freeze - are survival reflexes.

http://www.thebodysoulconnection.com...ter/fight.html

PS Glad to see you using your highly-skilled artistic talents.

[skeksi]

Oh, hon I'm sorry. I know exactly what you are describing, I've been there.

It's hard to see that we have behaved in ways we would prefer not to. It helps to be able to objectively judge our actions--i.e., how harmed do you believe this person was? Try not to beat yourself up over what happened (I know, that's next to impossible). Either way, it's done with, and what you can do is try to change your behavior in the future. How can you try to cope with similar triggers?

It has helped me to realize that when I am snappish after being triggered, other people can write that off pretty quickly. They don't take everything to the heart the way I do! They can say, 'geez, she's in a bad mood' or something.

I don't know if I misinterpreted your post. I hope not--if I've offended or misinterpreted, I apologize.

[MissCharlotte]

((Chaotic))

I've been in that place as well. I have been known to lash out at my own sons if they touched me inadvertently. To me, I have come to understand that it means I hold within me a feeling--a ball (like in your drawing) or even a knot--of experience accompanied by pain and a feeling of intrusion. So in order to protect myself I lash out. The drawing does reflect the projectile nature of your experience. I really get that. Take care of yourself.

That must have felt horrible! You say this happened a while ago, what did your T think about it? I think we can get triggered by things that we don't know why at the time, but your body remembers and your body sensed danger and responded normally. I would keep exploring this with your T, I think it might be telling you something important about your past. (even if it feels like crap) ((((((Chaotic))))))

[chaotic13]

Since this experience keeps surfacing I do think there is a lesson to be learned from it. I just need to figure out what the message means.

I guess I'm just trying to figure out how to prevent this negative emission from happening again. Even though I didn't do anything overtly to this man. I wasn't nasty or didn't outwardly show anger. But inside there was an exchange that I would rather avoid in the future.

IDK... Maybe if I talk about it again in therapy I can figure out what it was that triggered this cascade so I can try and alter that perception and stop being triggered by others. I just hate talking about all my crap from the past.

[chaotic13]

Miss C, I caught my self starting to lash out at my kids the other day... I think we all know how awful that feeling is...both on ends of the exchange.

(((Ms C)))

[hangingon]

Chaotic,
I know its really crazy getting triggered. I never know when mine will happen. One time a guy I was dating put his hands across the table to hold mine, and as he was holding my hands all of a sudden I was thinking I don't want to do this. I'm not sure where that even came from, we held hands plenty of times.
I sat there as he talked to me holding my hands across the table and coudn't hear a word he was saying. I just looked at him pretending I did, I totally shut down. Then when I snapped out of it I took my hands away pretending I needed to take a drink from my glass.

I wish I really knew what triggered me but those experiences sort of come and go.
Were you thinking of anything at the time it happened that may have left you feeling vulnerable?

[chaotic13]

There is no doubt that I am on edge before therapy. I was agitated that day... I think it happened the session after I sent my T my wacko touch plan. So yes, I was already on edge.

The thing is... I'm always a risk of being triggered. I can kind of accept that as long as its just me who has to deal with it. IDK, as a child I was known for being agressive and when down right cruel when physically challenged. Even thought I've learned self control and have a very long fuse, obviously... I still have trouble controling the energy discharge.

[peaches100]

Chaotic,

I like your drawing! (I can't draw worth a poop!) I think it might be really helpful and important to explore your strong reaction to that man. . . to find out what the trigger is about and what it means to you and about you.

[chaotic13]

Peaches,
Its hard for me to explain but I do kind of know what triggered me. There was nothing in the way he looked, acted, spoke, sat, etc that rationally I can point to and say..."that (e.g. the sound of his voice/smell/hair color) is what triggered me." I'm not sure how to explain it but..my inner child sensed that he was a bad man and then went nuts. However, my... "CEO" ego state is very disciplined and rational and did not permit this inner child's response to distrupt the outer.world.

I know what the inner child "thought" this man had done, but in reality... I knew nothing about him, the girl he was with, the other people in the room. My anger discharge and my inner child's assumptions and screaming and the guilt that I later felt about not acting and now about emitting negative energy...Is all based on some stupid unsubstanciate "feeling" that one of my ego states had about someone!!!! I'm freaking nuts is what it boils down to.

If you are nuts than so am I, so stop calling me nuts, okay? ((((chaotic))))) Be kind to yourself, okay?

[chaotic13]

I get ya exotic..thanks. I'm just frustrate with myself on several levels today. I don't need to be dealing with ego state premonitions at the moment.

I tend to frustrate myself too. I remember my old man T asking me if I thought I wasn't human or something. grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr to him. I told him human suck! I hope you feel better.........