[Melbadaze]

I just left session where I feel I talked from my heart. I told her how after all these yrs I still think about drinking, I still SH on a daily basis and this is really playing russion roulette because what I'm doing is and will cause serious damage.

T said, you think of alcohold still because its something YOU CAN HAVE. Yes thats it. I told her how I wonder what she would think of me if she knew what it is I do to myself, and that I would never want her to feel it was therapy that was wrong, or something she did, its just me, I feel a failure unable to take anything good in, only posion.

T said, but you must be able to hold onto something good because you want to protect me. I didnt quite get how that works, but looked up from my head in hands position and said, cause i want to protect you, your a nice woman, a kind lady.

I said I often think about writing a letter stating if anything has happened to me that it was me and not what your trying to help me with that flopped. Amongst the seriouseness of the session I then said, but I've told you now so I wont have to write a note, one less job and we both sort of laughed.

I think this session went this way because T asked how seem to be able to get closer with email and not in person. ONce she said "get closer" that spoke the desire within and I begun to pinch and slap and punch myself to rid myself of that desire, which until that moment was just a yearning with no description.

As I drove home, I realised that telling T how I saw her, a kind woman, made me feel better. I want to tell her how I feel about her, it never seemed it was important, but I think it is. I think as humanbeings we have a need to love and be loved.

Sigh, I want to tell T I want to be held!! I want too, I want too, but that triggers the desire that triggers the need to beat myself physcially. I am reminded of the images of Romainian ophans left alone to long that have to band their heads and bite themselves to counteract the intense desire to be nutured.

[rainbow8]

Melba, just want to give you some

[Confused_1982]

Melba, I know how you feel. I can express myself so much better in writing. All I have wanted for so long is for my t to hold me and tell me everything will be ok and that he will make everything better, but there is no way I could actually do it.

Sorry I'm not much help, but thinking of you hun

[Melbadaze]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

Melba, just want to give you some

Thank you rainbow!

[Melbadaze]

Originally Posted by Confused_1982

Melba, I know how you feel. I can express myself so much better in writing. All I have wanted for so long is for my t to hold me and tell me everything will be ok and that he will make everything better, but there is no way I could actually do it.

Sorry I'm not much help, but thinking of you hun

Yes actually doing it is so hard.