[ECHOES]

A month ago, T and I were discussing upcoming session appointments and I was considering cutting back due to financial issues. I told her of one appointment I would have to miss and she said that after that will be when she will be away...
(Excuse me?!?!?!... my face revealed.)
'Oh, didn't I tell you? My daughter is going to have a baby.'
(Umm, no you did not.)
'Oh yeah, she's due the 16th." (2 weeks) "I'll be away for a few days but I won't know when until the last minute.'

Major deal and we talked about it a bit. Major deal to me anyway. She admitted she didn't handle it well and that she didn't tell me because she thought it would upset me (my mothering issues).
I was so hurt and angry. Was she going to just cancel on me at the last minute then? How was this going to play out?! Now what's going to happen?! Maybe she'll retire and move to be closer to her family?
Do I have to compete for her time and attention now? (yes I know how silly that sounds).
I do not want to know about her private life!! Good example why, right here.

We spent the next session talking about this. (Was I set up, I wonder.). She said the baby will have to compete with her work. (Okay, sure, place your bets.) She said she didn't handle it well, but it didn't seem like she thought it was a major deal like I thought it was. This affects my ability to trust and my seeing her as trustworthy. It made me feel both manipulated and disregarded.

Okay, now you'll think I'm really whacked. The sessions after her granddaughter was born she seemed to have her daughter's photo, that she has always had on her desk, placed more visibly and she seemed to sit away from it so it was more visible to me. I'm fully aware that may be untrue and just my mind at work.

I asked about the baby at the beginning of one visit, then decided I would not ask again. The birth affected the therapy routine and now that's past.

So, my real point of my rambling post is that last night, when I walked into the room, there is a framed photo of the granddaughter as well. Really precious photo of this swaddled baby, a full head of dark hair visible. So I lit up and said "Oh you have a photo!!". I was happy to look at it from where I was, but she picked it up and extended her arm toward me. I instinctly reached for the corner of the frame to look closer. I just touched the corner of the frame with my thumb and fingertip! Suddenly she pulls it away and puts it back on her desk. WTF?! I didnt' ASK to see the photo up close. I wasn't going to take it from her. I was doing what seems to be a socially acceptable gesture--touching the frame while admiring the photo.

When she abruptly pulled it away and put it back on her desk I felt like I was such a disgusting untrustworthy person to her, so awful that to touch the photo frame might contaminate the baby in some way.
I hated T at that moment.
It ruined the session.
She ruined the session.
I will not talk to her about this. I know I would suggest that if I were replying to this post, but this time I am choosing to not talk about it with her. It will fade away. (and I retaliate by censoring and holding back)
But I will sit where I don't see the photos. They are intrusive.

I was already struggling and wondering what I'm doing there in therapy. When I struggle financially I imagine quitting.
I told her there was nothing 'in this room' for me. She says it is my protective 'nothingness'. My protective 'I don't care' where nothing can touch me because nothing is allowed to be meaningful.
Yes, and I hate this place because it is so hard to get out of.
It is not helping my urge to quit that I have been struggling with. I don't wish therapy was easy, but I do wish it was easier to pay for.

Oh (((((((((((((Echoes))))))))))))))))). That all sounds incredibly hard to deal with.

There is something about Ts and family photos....it is bringing such an obvious part of their life into the room...I'm not sure how I feel about it. There was a time in therapy when I REALLY did not want to know about T's life outside of the room at all - I just wanted him in that room, 24/7, and I left myself have that fantasy - and at the time he didn't have any family photos and it made it easy. Now he has a picture of himself with his young daughter. When we talk about really young childhood stuff and I look at him after looking away for a long time, he is often looking at that photo. And I think "???" because I'm not sure what's going on there. Is he even listening? Is he getting in touch with child me through his daughter somehow? I don't mind the photo being there, but I think if it had appeared at a different point in my therapy I might have felt differently about it, for sure.

And with your T, it's such tangible evidence of this little person who seems to have this power to take T away from you.

Of course, I really WANT to say "talk to T about what happened"...for me, when I have big issues with T, my therapy just can't move forward until we deal with them. Or, rather, those issues ARE the therapy. I know I say this all the time, but the vast majority of my growth and healing in therapy have come through working things out in the therapy relationship.

But maybe you just need time to be mad right now. I don't always bring things up right away. Sometimes we just need to feel whatever we need to feel, for as long as we need to feel it.

Do you think that you are pushing T away - looking for things to be mad about - because of the finances? Like, on some level, you are worried you can't afford therapy, so you are setting it up so it wouldn't be so painful if you have to leave?? I don't know. I think I've been doing that sort of thing in my therapy lately...

Oh - and I don't think you're whacked at all. This stuff is really hard.

Lots of to you.

[Tumnus]

((((((Echoes)))))

My brain is kind of dead, but my heart goes out to you! I'd be mad, too.

ECHOES

That really bites, I wouldn't like it one bit. My T shares an office with her husband - I don't even know if they have kids, but there are no personal photos out, and I think I prefer it that way. Plus, my T sits so her desk is against a wall, and her back is to her desk so she's facing me - it's a total non-issue what's on her desk because I can't see around her, LOL.

I can certainly understand why you're struggling, and also why you don't want to discuss this with your T. Good luck figuring out the finances, I'm close to my insurance running out and will soon be trying to figure that out myself.

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by ECHOES

So I lit up and said "Oh you have a photo!!". I was happy to look at it from where I was, but she picked it up and extended her arm toward me. I instinctly reached for the corner of the frame to look closer. I just touched the corner of the frame with my thumb and fingertip! Suddenly she pulls it away and puts it back on her desk. WTF?! I didnt' ASK to see the photo up close. I wasn't going to take it from her. I was doing what seems to be a socially acceptable gesture--touching the frame while admiring the photo.

OUCH OUCH OUCH! You were having this normal everyday interaction with her, much like anyone would have with a new grandma showing off her darling grandbaby picture. And in the middle of this, your T suddenly turned this interaction into... "something else." She just couldn't let the two of you have a normal, non-therapist/client interaction. Ouch. If it were me, I would be really really hurt, and feel like I wasn't good enough for her, like a second class citizen. I might not want to go back. If you're brave, you could share this with her. I think it would do her some good. I think she f**ked up bigtime. JMO.

[BlueMoon6]

(((((((((((Echoes)))))))))))
I think therapists really need to be more acutely aware (and some do) of the power they have over us. How we feel once we become attached. I also think she f**cked up big time by having the photo there in the first place. She must realize on some level that that cute baby is your competition. Maybe that is what she realized when you touched the frame? She realized something by pulling it away.
I also completely understand why you wouldnt share it with her- I would be debatring that in my mind. She could possibly not know she did it or say it was your perception of what happened. Or maybe think twice about the vulnerable patient(s) in her office looking at her pictures.

[jacq10]

(((((((((((((Echoes))))))))))))))

I can feel your pain emanating from my computer screen, and my heart goes out to you ... even the thought of experiencing what you did was enough to make me want to cry, and the fact that you experienced it... well I'm just so sorry she made you feel disgusting you are not disgusting.

Right now I have no advice to offer (anyone) right now, so I just offer my support and understanding of those painful mothering issues.

Many hugs and love
Jacqueline

[Melbadaze]

Echoes, Yeah I think having family photos in the theraputic spance is, well, untheraputic...but on her snatching the photo away, perhaps she realised that perhaps that wasn't really what you were there for at the last moment and kinda of withdrew it rather then snatched it when she realised this??? I'm sure you will with time say something about all off it, perhaps even how you feel having family photos in the room?? Other then that, I dunno really, but I don't think your feelings are out of place nor an over reaction...

I'm sorry, ECHOES!

[MissCharlotte]

(Echoes)

I don't think you are whacked. Nor do I think what set you off is stupid.

Was she going to just cancel on me at the last minute then? How was this going to play out?! Now what's going to happen?! Maybe she'll retire and move to be closer to her family?

I remember when T moved and I was afraid he was going to move his practice as well. I panicked but finally told him and he set my fears to rest. I think this is definitely a topic worth exploring a bit further for your own peace of mind.

She said the baby will have to compete with her work.

I LIKE how she phrased this. The baby competes with HER work as opposed to YOU. She took you out of the equation. But it wasn't enough. Can you ask her for more reassurance?

When she abruptly pulled it away and put it back on her desk I felt like I was such a disgusting untrustworthy person to her

It sounds like it was a very painful interaction and there was some shame followed by anger attached to it. I vote for not stuffing this but shining a light on it. I agree with Tree and Sunny. You deserve to feel your anger and express it. She needs to know that she f'd up. In the least, it's probably fodder for a few zillion more sessions.

I love when T discloses but not too much. Sometimes I do feel like he has revealed more than I care to know. But then again, that is what makes him human and the relationship more real. So I feel as though I am always walking that tightrope between genuine and clinical. Sheesh.

Echoes, I hope you feel better soon.

[ECHOES]

We've talked about everything except the photograph incident.
I don't know that I trust her or her mild reassurances. I'm not feeling very good about her right now. In addition to my post, the session also included a period of silence, where her expression and slight nod said "spit it out"; I said "I'm thinking." and she said "I'm practicing my patience.". When I reacted to THAT she said she meant that it was "okay, take your time".

She does tend to jump in too fast and probably that's what she meant but it felt like she meant she was losing patience with me.

I'm just not sure I want this anymore.

[hangingon]

((((((ECHOS))))))
I can so relate to what you posted. I would have felt the same way if my T responded with the patience line.

I wonder if you reacted even stronger to it because of the underlying picture issue? Like scoping out statements that support your feeling of her not really caring for you.

Sometimes I wonder if they really think before they speak

(((Echos))) I would feel very hurt especially after she said the baby competes with her practice. (paraphrasing probably badly here)

I do think you need to talk to her about this, it seems rather a HUGE deal and I don't know how you can not talk about it and act like everything is okay. This stuff tends to fester into even more anger and hurt when it isn't talked about.

I am so sorry you are hurting

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by ECHOES

We've talked about everything except the photograph incident.

To me, the photograph was the most awful part of it. I think there was some countertransference going on there. I hope you can talk about this at some point.

"I'm practicing my patience."

Yuck. Did she really need to say anything? Who cares what she was doing. It's OK to have silences in therapy.

She does tend to jump in too fast

Do you mean she tends not to let you just think and process but expects faster comebacks? (I am a very slow processor.) My T has taught me to say to my XH, when I need more time to process, "I'll have to think about that." I can see this phrase might have use in therapy too if the T tries to move one along too fast.

I'm just not sure I want this anymore.

Supposedly, in therapy, there comes a time when we can get clarification immediately on anything we need to, so something doesn't accidentally slide off of us the wrong way, and so that both people can know intimately what's going on with the other, through a give and take of observation and feeling and talking. There are times, though, when it really seems unattainable. There are other times, briefly, tantalizingly, when it feels like we are there. And that helps us keep going. I wish you some of these times, ECHOES. Soon. Sounds like last session was just filled with the other kind of interaction--perhaps just a random confluence of.... whatever. I hope next time is different.

[ECHOES]

Thank you to everyone who replied.

Sunny,
Her jumping in too fast is something we talked about previously.
First let me say that I'm a negative, whiner, tendency to want to be dependent. Okay, got that out. So you see where she's coming from. lol
Sometimes when I just want her to listen to my Eve of Destruction thoughts, she jumps in to reframe things in a different or positive light. She did this once repeatedly in a session when I .. just.. wanted.. her.. to.. listen.. I told her next session that it ticked me off, that I need to be heard first. She understood and said she had "brought out the marching band", which actually made me laugh because it is such a fitting description.
What I think it is, is indeed patience. You know how when you are interacting with someone, and you hear them and can see clearly what they cannot or cannot yet... and so you hold your thoughts for the moment... Well that's the kind of patience I think she was talking about. I took it a different way, but even this explanation leaves me feeling stupid, as if what I am not seeing/undrstanding is SO obvious.

I am still idealizing her. I thought I was getting past that, but I notice lately I am still there or there again (yes I told her ). I think that makes me even more sensitive to every word and gesture. Not that I'm dismissing her part in it because I'm not, but I'm recognizing my part in it.

I still struggle often to talk in there. I know that sometimes "thinking" is censoring and it would be better to just speak it. I know that because the times I have been able to do that have been much less stressful and most interesting sessions.
Censoring is protective and it zips right in there very quickly and I don't always know what it's about. Sometimes I can see what stops me and I can say what that is so we can go from there. Also very interesting sessions.

I do like silences and she is okay with them too, but I think if she thinks there is something I'm struggling with, trying to bring to words, she wants to encourage that. She doesn't necessarily speak, but she will nod her head slightly and the expression in her eyes is welcoming and encouraging. That can feel good and help, or it can feel too pushy and then not only does it not help, it makes me stubbornly clam up even more tightly.

I am leaning toward talking to her about the photograph incident. As I'm feeling less upset about it, I feel like I can talk about it without the near rage I was feeling at the time. Although I cry easy in therapy, I have a big fear of acting out or showing the depth my anger can reach. We have talked about rage, but I do not want to ever act out and show it in there.

I am going back. I can't imagine not going back. My defense is to run. My retaliation too, I suppose. But there are those times to remember that have been so meaningful that I wouldn't want to run from them for the world.

[ECHOES]

Do you think that you are pushing T away - looking for things to be mad about - because of the finances? Like, on some level, you are worried you can't afford therapy, so you are setting it up so it wouldn't be so painful if you have to leave??

Tree, that is certainly a possibility, but I don't think I was looking for something to be mad about.. I think. hmm. I have as part of my psych repertoire, a desire for rescue.. and I wonder if I'm mad that she hasn't rescued me from this financial difficulty and fear of losing therapy. What, do I want it for free? yeah. But she has already reduced her fee because I don't have insurance (I do, but a $3000.00 deuctble that never is met) and she holds my check if I ask, and she suggested going to once a week or alternating 2/week, then 1/week. She works with me, doesn't rescue me and that might very well be attributing.
Also, yes it seems 'easier' to leave if I am mad. I should remember to give myself room around my thoughts and experiences, because I know that the anger would subside and then I would be missing her so much.

You all are giving me a lot to think about and talk about. She may not have to practice her patience for a while.

Originally Posted by ECHOES

I am leaning toward talking to her about the photograph incident. As I'm feeling less upset about it, I feel like I can talk about it without the near rage I was feeling at the time. Although I cry easy in therapy, I have a big fear of acting out or showing the depth my anger can reach. We have talked about rage, but I do not want to ever act out and show it in there.

I am going back. I can't imagine not going back. My defense is to run. My retaliation too, I suppose. But there are those times to remember that have been so meaningful that I wouldn't want to run from them for the world.

This is awesome, Echoes You are doing such a good job of moving through this.

Remember: your T can handle your rage. We think our feelings are SO scary, but T doesn't feel that way. I have no doubt that she would accept you and care for you no matter what you were feeling or expressing.