[fallenangel337]

I've been feeling weird lately. I've been thinking a lot about a lot of stuff, as I usually do, and this is one thing that came to mind.

I feel like I'm possibly a little scared to get well. I know this sounds crazy, but this is what I've come up with. I'm scared to change who I was coming into therapy. Every time I start to feel like I might be getting better in some way, I quickly do everything I can to deny it. "No...I'm too F'ed up to better..." "I'm not really better, I just don't feel as bad for the moment..." Those are a couple thoughts I often have. I can't explain why, but it's like I'm scared to be better, or to even admit that I might be getting better. I think at times, being in a good mood is more stressful than being in a bad mood. Feeling happy is more worrisome than feeling depressed.

Maybe I'm scared to get better, because getting better=no more T eventually. I don't know where this is all coming from. I'm so confused right now, and I can't even put my feelings into proper words, but has anyone gotten this feeling before?

[velcro003]

Yep! I once told my T that I think a part of me is afraid of being happy. That if I am happy, I will have farther to fall, but also look back at all the time and regret all my wasted years. She laughed and said "That is a problem we could work on" But I understand what you mean. It is scary to change, even for the better!

[Indie'sOK]

I feel the exact same way. To me, getting better = no more T. And I hate it I know that T has to end eventually, but it'll hurt like **** when it does. I almost love her, and I know I'm gonna miss her. I wish I could give you advice, but I'm just as confused So sending hugs instead I really hope you can figure this out and that you eventually feel better about getting better. Have you brought this up in T?

[fallenangel337]

IndieSoul, I haven't. I don't think I could bring this up, because in my mind, me even hinting that I'm starting to get better will make her want to cut back, or will make her think I don't need her as much.

On an opposite note, with college, things are so uncertain. I just had to cancel our appointment this week because of a schedule change. I feel like I'm slowly being pushed further away from her in one way or another. The physical distance between us right now is great....and it really feels wrong. Being here doesn't feel wrong...I LOVE where I live now, but being so far away from her feels wrong to me.

[Indie'sOK]

Someone told me this: When it's the right time to leave T, we'll feel completely ok with everything, even the thought of leaving. I hope that's true, but I don't know if it's possible to have NO bad feelings about leaving at all.

Maybe she'd know that you don't feel ready to cut back, even if you did tell her. I know it's hard to talk about this. I still haven't told mine as much as I'd like to. Just the fact that you're struggling with this makes it clear that you still need her as much, I think.

[fallenangel337]

Originally Posted by IndieSoul

Someone told me this: When it's the right time to leave T, we'll feel completely ok with everything, even the thought of leaving. I hope that's true, but I don't know if it's possible to have NO bad feelings about leaving at all.

Maybe she'd know that you don't feel ready to cut back, even if you did tell her. I know it's hard to talk about this. I still haven't told mine as much as I'd like to. Just the fact that you're struggling with this makes it clear that you still need her as much, I think.

I think you are absolutely right with both things you said.

[Indie'sOK]

Thank you I really hope it works out for you

[Edahn]

I think that is a wonderful, wonderful insight. The exact reason you feel that way, to me, is not as important as what you do with it. Will you challenge it and say "y'know what? I'm gonna go for it" or analyze it into oblivion. (Note, I do this all the time, but am starting to recognize the difference between thinking and acting.)

Some ideas I'd propose:
1) giving up your position means you may not receive the same support (though you'll see that you'll get other support soon enough)
2) being sad has worked itself into your identity, and giving that up, you might be confused about who you are (though you will definitely recreate yourself from your strengths and talents and joy)
3) being happy is risky because you have something to lose (but truthfully, you will bounce back even if you lose it momentarily)

I say go for it. *highfive*

[fallenangel337]

I think what it ultimately boils down to is this:

I need T. There, I said it...I F'ing need T. I feel like I will always need her, no matter how "happy" or well-off I become. However, I don't think she'll see it that way. The whole reason I'm in therapy is because of my depression and coping strategies, but since I've been here, I've found a whole new meaning to it, and I've gotten more out of it than just helping with my depression. So even with my underlying disorder alleviated, I still feel like there is a lot I can gain from therapy. If nothing else, it gives me a safe place I can go to once a week.

And Edahn, what you said makes a lot of sense. Although I don't broadcast my illness, and I don't live by it, I think it has become a huge part of my personal self. Although nobody else sees it, it's one thing that I know about me, and one thing that can explain my irrational actions and thoughts to myself. Now, I don't use it as an excuse when I'm out of line or whatever, but since my diagnosis, it's been the one thing that sort of makes sense in my mind, and explains a lot about me to myself.

fallenangel

I have discussed with my T why I have this overwhelming fear sometimes overcome me as we're talking in a session - I call it a fear of the unknown. T wondered if I'm afraid of what it might look like to be "getting better" - I asked what she meant, in relationships? She said just in general. So we discussed that a bit, though it didn't really resonate with me at the time. But I do think that I do have some fear of what it means to reach my goals - if I'm intimate in a relationship, that involves taking a lot more risks and being very vulnerable, and there's a greater chance of being hurt. But it's still a goal of mine. And of course, with that intimacy will come great happiness, because I do really want that.

Good luck, we'll figure it out as we keep going!

[kris9999]

This is understandable. Your fear probably does come partially from not seeing your T anymore, but it is probably more than that. In my case, I fear happiness and even Heaven. I fear these things because they are so foreign to me. I've never known what it was like to be genuinely happy and the thought of happiness frightens me. Could this be your reason? You fear the unknown? Or you fear when you are happy no one will want to listen to you like your T does?

I think you should bring this up with your T... He/she knows you better than the rest of us and they can help you find out the core reason for your fear. I hope all gets better and you find some comfort in getting better. Take care!

[Edahn]

Originally Posted by fallenangel337

I think what it ultimately boils down to is this:

I need T. There, I said it...I F'ing need T. I feel like I will always need her, no matter how "happy" or well-off I become. However, I don't think she'll see it that way. The whole reason I'm in therapy is because of my depression and coping strategies, but since I've been here, I've found a whole new meaning to it, and I've gotten more out of it than just helping with my depression. So even with my underlying disorder alleviated, I still feel like there is a lot I can gain from therapy. If nothing else, it gives me a safe place I can go to once a week.

That's cool. With the insight you have into your own mind, maybe you'll play the role of therapist to yourself one day. You can always be happy and STILL visit your therapist, ya know? You don't have to be sick to see a therapist, just like you don't have to be sick to get a check up from a doctor.